Ok... so, I came back from Spain convinced that I am going to move on...
That who I have saved myself for all these years, I won't save myself more. And I'm moving on.
For so many reasons I came to the realization that it's what I need to do.
I came to the decision or realization in October, after my radiation treatments were done, thinking "If I don't change, nothing will ever change" And it's what I thought about the man I loved most in my life.
I wanted more... and last year's cancer experience taught me so much.
and the most important thing was that I am most important in my life.
Yes... Me!
You may think this is selfish, but it's not. In fact it's the best thing anyone can do.
I realized that giving so much of ourselves, leaves us empty. If we live for other people and don't truly take care of what is most important for ourselves, we get lost.
And if we are not our best, financially, physically, emotionally, when we're faced with the greatest challenges of our lives....many times we find ourselves alone.
And in many ways, I was alone.
And I realized I needed more.
But where was I going to find more?
Where I truly wanted and needed it, I was not getting it.
I realized that the way I loved, I wasn't loved in return.
for whatever reasons... I was not being fought for.
i needed to feel that the ones I loved were fighting not to lose me
and i didn't feel it.
i felt so alone.
And yes, the ones i loved were there for me in a sense.
But I needed so much more.
and people came out of the walls to be there for me
to listen to me, bitch, cry, complain
And eventually I became ok.
but this was only after reading a book in December.
And the line i kept reading over and over again was something like this
"everything that is happening, is for my greatest benefit"
and it made all the sense to me, in the world.
Just those few words put everything, that had happened because of cancer, and over the last 13 most important years of my life, into perspective.
I realize, that there was no need to be angry. There was no reason to be resentful. There was no reason to grow bitter with hate.
All I knew that everything I realized or learned over the last year, was actually for my greatest benefit.
and then, I was at peace.
At peace, because I realized that I could not control or change anything. The only thing I could control or change was me.
And in the realization, I was ok with what had happened. I knew that what had happened, before was so that I could be where I was today, in so many ways.
If things had happened the way I wanted them to, I would not be who I am today.
and so this had to mean that all that was happening, was so that I could grow. So I could be more. So I could be happier. And so I could find a greater love and more success in life.
Ok, I was different. Last year was my hardest year financially, physically, and for all the reasons of the heart and mind.
The financial and physical were something that took years to get to, because of bad decisions, and not taking care of me!!!!
But the reasons of the heart and mind... were nothing new. They were just huge realizations I made, because of what I was going thru. I needed more. I wanted more.
And so I changed.
and i'm back now, with goals I have to meet. With dreams I need to accomplish.
and with one thing that i'm going to do different.
I finally want to meet someone else.
I believe in finding friends, someone special will stand out and will win my heart.
I actually had saved myself for My Miguel... the last 7 years.
Wow... but yeah. Unbelievable. Maybe.
but if you truly know me... I am so very faithful when I love someone.
So anyway. I don't want to save myself for him anymore.
Why? Why should I. I realize he doesn't deserve all that I am and all that I have done for him. Nope Nope Nope.
So... I started.
And, I wonder how does a person meet new people. I know we have to get out. But, in all actuality, men smile and say hello. But crossing paths, with a hello and a smile is not how i remember it being done. and in a city, you get lost and you're lucky if you see that person again.
I'm trying to remember, how I did it before. Ok, back in the younger days, it was going to a club, meet someone, exchange numbers, call, etc etc.
But I don't want to be at clubs. And I actually don't want to meet someone who is out to meet someone. I don't want to meet someone hungry or desperate.
The other day at Ikea, I saw a beautiful perfect man, with older 2 teenage sons. and yes, my perfect might be different than your perfect, but we smiled. and lingered in the same area, smiling, and smiling more etc. Then I had to move forward because Anthony was moving forward, and i felt like a fool, there were only so many candles i could keep smelling and looking at lol. but as I drove away, I thought... why didn't you say something? Anything...
But I didn't. So I wonder, how is it done?
I remember how I met my Miguel. Ok, it was online. But he was the one that was timid in a room with 4 other guys who were his friends. He was not the one who did all the laughing and made the advances. And that's the kind of guy I like. But I didn't realize it till then or maybe the last few years.
I watched a movie. With Russell Crowe - A Beautiful Mind.
In the movie, he and his friends are out and there is this beautiful blonde. All his friends are hot for her and want to meet her, but he calculates the possibility of who would take her home. Then he goes for her dark haired friend.
I thought about this many times. Because actually, My Miguel, is no one I would have never flirted with. He is not the one I would have probably gone after. And if he had not chased me and had not refused to let me slip away, I would have never gotten to know the man who changed my life, and who changed my heart, and the way I look at life.
As I wrote that last paragraph, my eyes filled with tears. Because in my heart, I only want and need him. But life won't let us be together, and I can either live what I've lived the last 7 years of my life.... and the first year and a half that I met him. Or I can move on.
So, my only choice is, I have to move on.
Because I refuse to keep living that life alone, a million miles away.
When I was in his arms... and he in mine... I was brave. Our first and last days together were beautiful. One of the things that made them beautiful, is because I was me. I was not hiding my feelings, i said everything I had to say. I did everything I had to do and I was able to walk away feeling like I left him with the best of me. Just like I did when I left Ibiza, nearly 14 years ago. And leaving him with the best of me, empowered me. It empowered me because I knew he would never forget those moments and all that I told him.
So I walked away happy.
I've made a decision to not be his anymore. I can't be.
And that's why I'm looking.
Not desperately.
But I'm looking.
I don't want to be alone anymore.
It's been too long, although my heart felt complete in so many ways because of the love I had for My Miguel... but today, it is not enough.
I'm more open. I talk more. I smile more.
And then I wonder.
When I meet someone, and we talk and get together, should I say I had cancer last year?
Should I talk about my surgery and the tumor and the reconstruction and the radiation and all the stuff that came with cancer? Will I tell them I have 2 different boobs. One new and cute, the other older and the real me.
or will it scare someone away?
So that's my question, how soon is too soon?
And I don't ask it about having sex... because sex will wait till the most perfect moment. Hey, that's the way it is supposed to be, especially if they're even worth dating a 2nd time. Then they can wait, until it's perfect. Yup, that's how I think it should be. And it's how it will be.
I guess, i have to answer my own question and say that I'll know when the time is right.
The only thing I truly know... is I can and will wait till I feel the next person is special enough to be with me. I won't settle because I want to be with someone. I won't settle for someone to help me pay the bills. I won't settle because I need to feel needed or loved.
I will only settle for what my hearts feel as something that came a long to make it feel a little more complete.
I told My Miguel last night, 14 years from the day we met. That because of my love for him, I learned so much. and it was not him who taught me, it was the love I had for him that caused me to search out how to be better for me and better for him. It taught me to be create and happy and adventurous and made me feel so young, I felt like I could do the impossible, and it's what I had to give him too.
I told him, that he did not teach me these things... but the love and my desire to make him smile, is what pushed me to be more.
And it will continue to push me to be more. Because I know what love truly feels like. I know what it is to love with every ounce of my being.
And I told him... the next guy that can win my heart will be very lucky because of all I learned by loving you so much. (el proximo que puede conquistar mi corazon va tener mucha suerte, por lo que aprendi por quererte tanto). He agreed. How could he not. He told me I was his fantasy.
But fantasies are only fantasies, and I'm tired of living a beautiful dream.
I told him it was time for me to wake up from the dreams we created, from the illusions we painted... and I need to move forward. He can stay where he feels content forever thinking of me, and wondering. Wishing... he had taken better care of me.
I know him, so I say these words with all the confidence in the world.
Sometimes
we have to change so that things will change.
He walked away that last day, with Forever... in his hands. I took a picture of him as he left the hotel with the book in his hand. And in the book I wrote. "I will no longer wait for you, but if someday you need me, I'll be there."
and of course, I told him to look for my kisses in the wind.
I changed... and now things will change and work out perfectly...
just like I knew they always would.
