LIVING A FAIRY TALE...

I wrote to him the other day, that I'm like a little girl who believes in fairy tales.    

I am.   

Today, a friend of mine told me about something I wrote on facebook, of a sad love I have not only written about, but have lived.   She said it was beautiful but only in fairy tales in her world.   She said all she ever wanted was someone to walk down the street holding her hand.

It made me think.   All we all are searching for is love...for acceptance... for someone to make us smile, for someone to help us fly. 

It's what I've done.... I think I've always been the one searching desperately.   And when I finally found someone that made me feel all that I was searching for.... i could never let go.   

What I always said, to my friends, was he gave me something no one else had.  Even though he was thousands of miles away, he made me feel more than I had ever felt before.   I told this to one of my best friends and she said to me....something that made me think.   She said, it is not him...... it is you.   You have allowed him to bring this out of you.  You already are that person.... you've only allowed him to bring it out.    

I told him this... he looked at me with that sweet sadness in his eyes...   I think he knew it all along...and that is why he never could let me go.  We bring out the best in each other... yeah...that's it.

Anyway...enough about him.

On to what I thought about when my friend wrote what she wrote....

It really  made me think.   I thought of what she had told me about her life And at the end all I could think about was my life.   

My life has been no fairy tale...especially when it came to men (IN THE PAST).   I put in the past in caps, because i refuse to let it be the norm for the rest of my life.      

So...anyway...I kept thinking of my life.   

Be right back...going for my cup of coffee, I can smell it... in my new black cafetera (coffee pot) i bought in Spain. ...I'm smiling.

I'm back...and boy is this coffee good.  I added a little whipped cream and nutmeg, like my mom used to make Mexican Coffee.   Did you already have yours?

Ok.... so i'm thinking... and I realize that we are all living fairy tales.

I referred to Cinderella... Cinderella, cooked and cleaned and wore rags...and at night she slept in the ashes.   But, while Cinderella cooked and cleaned...she sang and danced with her friends the mice.    She made her difficult moments happy moments.

Then.... she believed...she had faith... and someone appeared to change her life... Yeah a fairy godmother with a wand...who gave her a beautiful dress, glass slippers, a carriage and made her friends, the mice, into coachmen.   

She ventured out.... with the help of all these things given to her by her fairy godmother... and she stepped cautiously into the ballroom.   And low and behold...there he was....her prince charming.....    And no it doesn't end there..... she fell in love in his arms as they danced and all the world disappeared around them.   But because of her "life and the limitations set on her by someone else/her fairy godmother and her "real life" she had to return to what she knew.    

He had lost her... she felt she was nothing without the dress and shoes... and she conformed again to her life.   

But because of the love they felt those moments in the ballroom..... he set out to find her....and through hills and valleys, and through all the women, he found her.   The one he could never forget.   

And....they lived happily ever after... 

hmmm.....

So... in writing this..... in thinking about it....my mind goes many directions.   

The first direction is this...

Life sometimes is not easy... there are things handed to us that we have no control over.   One being death.   But the rest...we can control.   We can control the way we think, we can control the people we associate with, we can control our actions...Its us!   Yeah, maybe easier said than done....but if you believe that you can control this, then that's the first step.    

It's how we look at life...it's how we see the world.   If we see it as hard, it will be hard.  If we see it as hard "for a moment," then its easier to go on.  Look at Cinderella... in all her sadness and hard times... she found moments to dance and sing and laugh with her friends.   Every hard moment doesnt have to be an entirely hard minute...hey 60 seconds equals a minute...30 of them could be smiling, after the first 30 were crying.   Hey i do it all the time.  lol   Because i've trained my mind...to switch.... to know when i'm sad, i need to be happy and get over it.

In the end...its up to us to find the beauty in life...the happy moments...in all the twisted sad or difficult uncontrollable moments.   In the end...its up to us to control our lives.   

Another direction my mind took as i wrote about Cinderella is this.... One person can change our entire lives....for the better, it can also go the opposite way, but i won't talk about that, because i don't want to have  you thinking negatively.      

When I was in Spain.... got home, sat with Anthony for a long while and talked about what we did while I was there and he was here.   He told me of a man who he met one night while out with his friends...a man who at first seemed threatening to them, but later turned out to be someone that made him think.  A man who at 19 bought his first gas station... he talked to Anthony and his friends about their lives and what they were doing. and encouraged them to "get a life".

As Anthony talked, my mind was thinking that one person can change our entire lives...i found my one person in Spain...he changed my entire life...in a sense he gave me wings. I am lucky, that I let my heart lead me...and I followed my heart when I met him, because everything I've done since then, has been a result of meeting him.   He didn't give me direction, but he gave me air....to fly.  One person, one trip, gave me courage to venture out...and its why i'm where I am today and why I am the person I am today... ok ok, i may have had it in me all along..but I allowed my feelings for him and the person he is to push me to limits i never knew.     Wow...how great it is to love so much, that you want to be your best...do your best...give your best.    There is nothing better... I don't think....and honestly... a big part of me is dependent on that... sad but true...but oh well...i'm trying to create something else...you know me.   Always trying to find sense... and reason and make sense and reason of what i do.  

So if its a person that changes your life... or a pretty new dress...or that pair of shoes you've been dying to buy... let them.  But don't let them for the moment...keep letting them, never let go of that feeling... keep reliving it...and life will always be happy.

So.... last thing i was thinking about is this...   in the end Prince Charming set out to find Cinderella...because he knew he loved her.      Since I got back from Spain I wrote something.... because of a decision I made and have stuck with for a week, which is a long time for me...but just the beginning. lol,  anyway.... i wrote "True Love Never Dies"     And what was funny, one day of depressive like actions, sitting on the couch watching tv , which i never do, I was sad, and with a broken soul... i saw.... the new Dracula movie commercial and at the end it said..... "True Love Never Dies".    

It blew my mind... because I have that book to publish, you know ....the one i'm always talking about.   Well, it's about a vampire...it's about eternal love... happy...sad...and a broken soul kind of love.    So.... in my mind i'm thinking "it's a sign"  I love signs... :)  My Miguel says I look for things to associate them to good things.... he's right.....but then again he knows all the weird things that have happened to us...because of us.   

So what this sign told me...becaue of what i'm going through now... is i have to finish my labor of love...and get that book, my labor of love....published.  You know like in the movie the Notebook, when Noah sees Ellie in the restaurant with her new boyfriend... it says "   

After seeing Allie that day, something inside Noah snapped. He got the notion into his head that if he restored the old house where they had come that night, Allie would find a way to come back to him. Some called it a labor of love. Others called it something else. But in fact, Noah had gone a little mad.

And..i think a part of me has snapped and I am a little mad...lol.    Hey..... if what we love pushes us to be better to create, to dance and sing.....then why not.  

So...like my life...my brain is always wandering...creating...and that's why i talk about different things in this blog...i'm constantly analyzing...creating...and dreaming, as I listen to someone talk...and no..its not because i'm not paying attention, but its me seeing deeper than most may.  

So no...my life hasn't been a fairy tale... i've had my ups and downs with men and without men... with myself.... and all alone.    But at the  of the day....I'm ok.  I've learned to be ok.   And I know... that on my journey... good things will pop up everywhere.   But that is only if I'm my best...I'll find the best.   You know they say.... "be the person you want to find"

So go out...write your fairy tale..... and may you live happily ever after.  I am.... and I will.   See you at the end of the rainbow with our pots of gold!    And never ever stop believing...dreaming...and knowing, like there is no tomorrow.....that your happily ever after is here and now! 

  

Today....

It's been awhile...

since I sat down to write a blog.    No...its not that i don't have anything to say...it's i've been a little busy...... :)   The good kind of busy...of course!

I was reading an old blog of mine...from about 6 months ago.   I read it, and even though the words were so familiar, and I recalled the feeling I had that day when i let the words pour from me were not what i was feeling today.  And it definitely wasn't anything I had felt for months.

I realized something back in November...when I got back from Spain.   I was listening to a song.   A song that I loved and listened to daily before I went to Spain....its a song of letting someone go.   It's in Spanish, called Adios Dulcinea by Mago de Oz...it's an amazing song.  The lyrics touched my heart and meant so much to me just a few short weeks before that.  

What I realized that day was the words that made so much sense to me ...the words that told the story of me, and letting go...no longer had the same meaning.  

A lot has happened since my last blog.   The biggest and best thing was going to Spain.   I went there to relive all I had lived on my previous trip.

It was different, of course.  I was not with the man, who I call my Miguel, who introduced me to the island of Ibiza.  I was with my son.    I tried to find all the places my Miguel had taken me.   I wanted to eat the same food, drink the same drinks, see the same sights that had changed my life.   And most of all I wanted my son to see all that I had seen.

He loved it.   I loved it.   I had fun driving in Spain, we laughed a lot at the mistakes I made.    The food we ate was good, and the sights were beautiful.   From the beaches and the coves to the old part to the port, were amazing.

Our second leg of the trip was to the town where my Miguel lives.   I loved every part of it.  It was historic and modern, surrounded by mountains.   I felt I was home.   I hadn't in many many years felt so comfortable somewhere.   I didn't worry, I was happy.   I can't say if the happiness came from the town itself or if it came from being close to my Miguel, something i had longed for, for so many years.

I wondered why i hadn't come sooner.   I wondered why I had stayed so long in a marriage that had no meaning whatsoever.   Today, i think of the empty person I was married to, and i amaze myself that i stayed.   Oh well, i guess everything happens for a reason.

Since my visit to Spain, i haven't had a moment of wanting to let go of what Miguel and I have.   Our relationship has become fuller.   Its strange, but I feel like i know him better than, than i knew him the last 11 years.   We haven't lost what we had before i went, we have only made it fuller.     

Yesterday was Valentine's day.    A happy day......at least it started that way.  I woke up happy...full of energy... then i got the call from Spain that i love to get.   We talked, we laughed... and we dreamed.   Our dreams never stop... although we've tried.   And my belief, is we will continue to dream.....it's really all we have....

So today...I am happy, because I have a wonderful life.  I have my son, my work that keeps me busy....and I have someone special on the other end of the world...  And did I say I have tickets to Spain ...... :)

It's kinda funny...

I met someone the other day...who reminded me of someone I love very much.   He resembled him, he was from the same country as my friend.  And he was also a Sagittarius.

I was psyched...thinking, i could maybe replace him with this other person.

He had to be like us...all Sagittarius...and because my first friend and I were so much alike...i thought maybe this other guy would be too.

After a few days...talking...learning about each other's likes, dislikes, etc.   His true colors started to show.

Ok...he is in Spain, where the economic crisis is bad.    I understand and feel bad for them.

So, this guy isn't doing well financially and he has a bad back.

I'm very compassionate and understanding of these things.

Yesterday, i asked him how he was.  He said he was worse than the day before, so I asked why.   He said he didn't have to explain his situation every day, I should know already.  Ok.   I tried to let him know, i thought something bad had happened.

Then, later I said, how are you...he said do i have to tell you again.   Then I finally said...even when I don't have a lot of work...I am worrying...I am sad...and someone asks me how I am, I always say fine.   He said, that i was lying to people if I said I was fine and I wasn't.   I said, why do I have to tell people about my negatives...when most people don't care...and if they are people that care, after you say it so many times, they get tired of hearing it.

So...then i got a message on my messenger and the ring tone I have a short clip of my favorite song.  He says...come on, now you're going to start playing that music.  It all sounds the same.   Ok...this had me pissed off already.   My music is such a big part of me...and anyone who knows me...knows that I listen to all different music...but there are some songs, that you will always hear if you're around me enough.

So then...he starts talking to me about my book.  And about the area I am basing it on...giving advice on the decade my characters are living in.   But as we're talking I pull out a book of an author from the same area he is from.  I see a name in the book, that I really like for a woman in my book.  Not the main character but someone else.  He said, if you use that name, they'll know you are lying.  Ok.    Then he tells me to find famous people from the area I am interested in, I do that.  He pulls out an artist and tells me to find her. I do.  But on the page of pictures I found the most gorgeous man.   He is perfect for the main character of my book.  I get super excited...and want to know who this man is.  I tell him about it...then he laughs at my character and what he is.  So...strike 2.   Big strike 2.

Then I start looking for women and men's names in the region to find what is most common in that area.    He's sending me movies to watch, regarding the dress of the decade I am interested in.  But my mind...is always wandering, and so i start saying names on the list...hey I was intrigued.

He said, enough with the names....watch the movie.   I finally told him....you are so negative...you are giving me a headache.  He backed off.   But I couldn't take it anymore...

What it made me realize, is not everyone is alike.  Of course..that's a no-brainer...but someone looking like someone else...speaking like that person...and born the same month... and they're nothing alike.

Yeah i guess I'm trying to replace, what i'm leaving behind.  But days like this...make me not want to leave it behind.

There are few people who understand me.   And when I find someone that understands my quirkiness.... i found a friend for a lifetime.

My music is such a big part of me...my first friend...tolerates my music...he has learned to like what I listen to, he knows how it affects me.   He never has anything negative to tell me.

He loves...the fact that i'm always thinking...always figuring something out...always finding a story to bring to life...in words...in my actions.

I can be me with him....and everything I have inside escapes...i don't have to hold anything back.  I can run and play...i can laugh and cry...i can dream....and he loves every part of it.   He brings the best of me out of me....   He has given me so much passion for so much in this life...

There's a song...by Laura Pausini...Escucha Atento (listen attentively)  There is part in the song that says - a nadie mas dije amor....desde entonces ninguno encontre que se parezca a ti, que se parezca a mi...por dentro.   busque en cada boca entontrar tu nombre...     I haven't called anyone else my love...and since then i haven't found anyone who is like you..who is like me....on the inside.   I looked in everyone to find your name....

Its what I've done...   I am searching for his twin...  Someone who can tolerate me.  I'm not that difficult..but someone who can tolerate my dreams and aspirations...who supports me in my ideas...who doesn't put me down, because I want to start a nontraditional business...who doesn't think my ideas for books...are silly or stupid.  Someone who wants the best for me...and encourages all that i do.

Someone who loves me from the inside out...someone who I can run and play with...who I can lay on the bed and look at the ceiling...and together we can dream..   Someone "who tries" to understand me.   In that, I will give all my heart, all my soul....i will give everything.   It's so funny....that's all it takes for me to fall in love.   Funny huh...

The other day, I was with my son and his ex-girlfriend and I was talking..dreaming...you know...i was being me.   She said something like "that's weird"   initially i got a little on the defensive...and then said...creativity to some is weird...and then i used Johnny Depp...he's weird I said, but i believe he is creative.     Usually some artists, writers, musicians, actors are weird...they have to be to bring out things that entertain the "normal"....

I love being weird...and i love more when someone knows exactly where i'm coming from.   I have many special people in my life who understand me.   And who I can speak to from my heart...because their hearts and dreams and ideas escape too...  I actually think it's something special.  So when i meet people who have this in them...i am so intrigued and entertained and i usually keep them in my life for a long long time.

Yeah...it's kinda funny....all it takes is being understood... or is it being tolerated.   Not sure...

All I know...that in finding someone to make me smile from the inside out...it's hard not to compare them to my soulmate...  when he looked at me...i could do no wrong...i was perfect...my silliness was appreciated...my seriousness was appreciated...  And all this brought out so much in him, as well.

I don't know how to end this...a part of me wants to go back...but a part me has to go forward.  Well...the only direction is ahead of me...taking the things i've learned from the past, and enjoying every moment someone special is placed before me.    But, where do you find people like you...where do i find people like me.   lol

I guess that goes back to something i read on Facebook....    stop looking for that person...do what you love...and the one you love will be there waiting for you.

So is it writing classes...photography classes...theatre classes...screenplay writing classes....  I guess so...   It's time to get started...Now's the time!

Setting something free...

They say something like:

Set  someone free, if it comes back, it's yours...if it doesn't, it never was.

It makes a whole lot of sense to me.   And it's what i've chosen to do, with something that my mind knows i should set free, but my heart just won't let go.

I've done it many times in my life...sometimes people came back, but if they take too long, you realize, they really didn't mean that much to you after all.  Hey, and what the heck....if they left, then why do you want them back?   

I once read, that after a break up, men get on with their lives, they date very soon, they party it up,  hanging out with their buddies...looking for all they thought they were missing when they were "attached."   But after a period, they realize what they lost and that's when they start missing and wanting it all to be back the way it was.    It also said that women, will cry, sing the blues, feel absolutely horrible after a breakup.   Then little by little they start to go out, they start to see other people, they start dating.   Then they forget about what they had.    Not feeling horrible anymore...and stronger to go on.  Totally opposite reactions...and i'm sure this can play out in an opposite manner, depending on who broke up the relationship.

You have to wonder...  why is it like this.   I guess it's the man/woman thing...like the book Men are from Mars and Women from Venus...or is it the other way around.   I'm not sure.     

Men and women just don't see things the same.    I think what women need to do is educate themselves on how men really think.   Don't we have those guy friends and our brothers that we hung around with...and knew exactly how they thought.  Well, that's probably how your boyfriend or husband thinks.    Guys too need to educate themselves on how women think.

I've learned a lot with my son.   I think from an emotional standpoint...and although he has a heart of gold and can see outside the box of the typical "guy way of thinking".    I've learned from him.     

I've had friends in my life, that can leave a relationship and just go on.  They seem so strong, the only kind of emotion they have for the one they left behind was nothing, unless the one they left behind did something horrible to them, then it's all hatred and bitterness.   And that's not all of them...but some.   Hey, its hard to get over something when someone wronged you.    

I've also had the friends who can never get over it.. I think I'm more one of those people. I always have to reason, and figure things out...that's just me, not only in relationships, but in how people work and function.    I swear, i should have been a psychologist.   Haha!   but, in a way it's been a good thing, because I can see why people are the way they are...I don't just judge someone because of a certain action, i want to know what brought them to that point.   Even when the most horrible of things have happened, I've done it.   

Anyway...back to setting something free.     I read something the other day on relationships.   It said, if someone wants to go...let them go.    Don't hold on... and both guys and girls do it.   But, setting them free, will in a sense set you free.    It will help you to go out and find things to make you stronger...     Don't dwell on it, although you probably want to scream and cry...do it.... then wipe your eyes...change the playlist on your ipod...to one that makes you happy...and take one step...one baby step, at a time....and go on.   

Then....what's meant to be will be.    Either you'll find something on your path of freedom....or it just might connect that path back to the person who wanted to be free.    

Sometimes, we need a change.   Sometimes we feel smothered.  Sometimes, we aren't seeing things eye to eye.   and freedom from that person is all that we see that brings us hope.    

So, its good sometimes to take a break, or distance yourself for awhile.  Don't panic...know its for the best.    Look at yourself, as if someone else was looking at you and judging your actions and ways.   If you were someone else looking in, what would you think of you?    then if there are things that you aren't liking...are you too demanding, have you lost your desire to look good for yourself, have you gained weight and aren't happy.  Are you grumpy, .... there are so many things that we can become when we become complacent...     And when i say do this, do this with open eyes....some people think they're perfect and have a reason for everything they do....let go of those reasons and become a better you!

Now if you've seen yourself through open eyes....then make a move.  Improve those things that are negatives...start losing weight, be happier, more patient, less demanding...or whatever it is that you're doing, that may have pushed the other person away.   

You'll be a lot happier when you change those things about you.  Because as I always say....Be your best and you'll find the best.   Whether it's a career, a life changing opportunity, a new love....  and hey, it just might bring the old love back.   

I for one...once I get over someone I loved...I can't go back.   Not because of anything...only because I've grown and am not that person who was with the other person before.   It's happened many times in my life...I would be in love, it would end, i'd be sad for awhile....but then after awhile...some tried to come back....but I could never do it again.   Not sure why.... I guess it's the growing and maturing thing.   And maybe seeing things through open eyes...

So...now to the part of "if they come back, they are yours, if not, they never were"

Some times people come into our lives.   That touch the deepest parts of our soul...   and it's hard to let those people go.   Even when they aren't around.    

When we can have our freedom to step out of the situation for awhile...to think about what we really want....  It may be all we need to come back to what we really never wanted to leave...   I've done it with only one person in my life.   Well, maybe 3, lol.   But in totally different situations and points of maturity in my life.   

So I wonder now...where will my decision take me.   Today, it'll take me to the beach...where I feel free, and it's what I love most in Miami.   So when I'm doing what I love most...I'll find what loves me most...waiting for me.   Who knows...it might be my soul mate....because i truly believe in soul mates...cuz i'm leaving one behind as I write....   But I just may find all that I love...the sand between my toes...the wind in my hair...the waves hitting my feet...and smiles from strangers... music in one ear...the sound of the ocean in the other....and then i'll top it off with an empanada de carne and a cup of cafe con leche.    

Yes...I am determined to find...what is meant for me...   And who knows...what I let go of at this moment, just might fly back.  He always has...because this isn't the first time.   Crazy...yeah...maybe we are.   But, when someone special enters your life...it's kinda hard to let go, unless the time comes...and up to this point, the time never came, although we tried...

So here I go....to the beach!   See you there...    Be happy when you have to fly, happiness is what will be the air in your wings to keep flying!

Que voy a hacer con este amor...

Hoy...un dia como muchos que he vivido por los ultimos años...

Hoy...decidi no seguir en esta locura que hemos vivido...este mundo que nos da todo...que nos da nada...pero al mismo vez nos ata...

Recuerdo el dia, hace casi 10 años... el dia que te regale mi corazon...despues de pelear los sentimientos...despues de rechazar tu amor...tus avances...tu calor...tu passion...y mas, por tu situacion que no hiba a cambiar...    Ese dia me resigne...y te di mi corazon...y todo el amor que estaba dentro...todo el amor que vino desde el lugar mas profundo de mi alma.

Desde ese dia...era tuya.

Tuya para amar...tuya para dar todo que pudiste dar...

Pero...desde ese dia...te di todo...me entrege a cada momento...para hacerte feliz...para verte feliz.   y dias como hoy, sufro...y siento tan vacia sin ti cuando te necesito....y no estas.

Juntos, eramos como niños descubriendo todo lo bello del mundo.   Dibujando....bailando...amando...corriendo...y caendonos.   Todo.

Fuiste el niño del barrio que yo buscaba para llevarme a aventuras y enseñarme lo bello del mundo, me enseñaste volar...me guiaste a los lugares mas altos que he vivido.  Yo, fui la niña que siempre soñabas...la niña...que era tuya.

Esto ha sido un escape para nos dos...  un escape de nuestros mundos reales...  pero los momentos compartidos durante los años, los momentos de sufrimiento y de placer me llenaron mas que puedo explicar.

Si, seria una locura, de verdad, para gente que no lo entienden.   La verdad, eramos dos locos...buscando lo mismo.   Y yo en ti, y tu en mi,  lo encontramos.   Algo tan fuerte, que por tantos años...por la distancia...y los obstaculos...seguimos aqui, buscando...necesitando...lo mismo!

De verdad creo que somos locos...en el sentido de...locos, uno por el otro.

Lo que me das es algo que nunca he sentido..y me has dicho lo mismo en lo que yo te doy.  Y se que somos adictos...uno por el otro.   Y por eso no lo hemos podido dejar atras... y no es por que no lo hemos tratado..por que tu lo has echo...y yo tambien lo he hecho, y siempre regresamos a lo mismo...   Lo que tenemos es algo mas fuerte que nuestras esfuerzas ....  Pero hoy, me toca a mi...y tratare de nuevo...de dejarte volar libre...como debes estar...sin mi.   

Tratare de volar, como un pajarito recien saliendo de su nido...con miedo de ser libre sin ti a mi lado...sin ti en mis sueños...sin esperanza de ver en tus ojos lo que siempre me hico volar...  Me da miedo caer del cielo sin tu aliento que necesito para seguir volando...y ni se si es posible...volar sin ti.

No se como deshacerte de mi vida...de mi corazon...de mi alma...  No se como seguir sin saber que no voy a estar alli para ti...y tu alli para mi.  

Quiero creer que es posibile olvidarte...dejarte en mi pasado...pero hay parte de mi que sabe que es algo imposible, aunque creo que seria lo mejor para ti...lo mejor para mi...    

Lo unico que se en este momento...es que cada vez que estubimos juntos....siempre se cumplieron mis sueños...


***  I wrote this a few days ago...a part of my heart wanting to run away...yet the strongest part of me never wanting to let go.

After I wrote this, I experienced a huge sense of loss for the person i wrote it for... I had been wishing and praying that I could be free and set him free.   But, then I felt something had happened to him.   I panicked, I couldn't sleep....i couldn't eat.  Because thinking of life without him, leaves me empty.    

The day after I panicked, I heard his voice over the phone... the voice that takes me higher than the highest mountains I've climbed...   Higher than the clouds that line the sky where lies the road that maps my destination to him.  

After I heard his voice...and the happiness I always hear from him, that brings happiness to my heart, it makes me realize I can't go away.  Why should I leave behind something that makes me shine... Is it wrong for me to use him, to be a better me...because he brings the best out of me.   No...it's not wrong.  Because, I'm not using him.... I truly love him and   what we bring to each other's lives is something special...something that we can't live without.   This is so apparent as we always run back to each other for whatever reason we can't be without.

Someone told me the other day...that we must have lived another life together if we can't let each other go.   Hmmmm...it made me wonder... because we know there is a connection between us that can't be broken.   Heck, we've tried many many times.

I have to live each day...as I always do.   Happy!   And what is meant to be...will be!   If I put out negative vibes into the universe, they will only return to me in the wind that blows through my hair and that is where they'll get tangled and remain.    If I let go of someone that has brought so much to my life, i will probably feel empty.

I can't put up obstacles for what I love most...or anything else in life.   I have to live the moment...   and take from the past, all the good...knowing that the future will only be better.   Y....que sera...sera....  whatever will be....will definitely be!

 So today, instead of walking away, instead of letting go...I'll continue on my journey...toward my happiness...not worried about what is going on or trying to control the uncontrollable...  Walking forward toward the best things in life...that I deserve....and that truly deserve me.  Hey...who knows what I might stumble upon...it may be the next thing that fills my life in more ways than its been filled in the past.  

I'm hopeful!  I'm positive...   and I know.... that the best is yet to come!

Alive....is how I feel...

Have you ever felt like you're just living...following motions...because that's how it's supposed to be?


Have you felt, that you lost the reasons that made you feel alive....?


I did...


So I was desperately searching for a reason to dance...and sing ... even when i was feeling drenched from the rain, which was just a figment of my imagination due to the way i was feeling!


I didn't have to look far...because I remembered how it felt to feel alive...with no doubts.    Alive...with an open heart.  Alive...singing beautiful songs...even when i couldn't carry a tune or remember all the words.


I went to a drawer that I had of momentos...things I kept, that I could not...and would not ..ever throw away.  I found a book.  A book I had written....yeah, you can call it a diary.   And in this book...was the secret to finding me, once again.


The book was written while I was on a trip... a trip I took to meet someone I fell in love with...and who I knew loved me.


The trip was wonderful..all my dreams had become reality.   But because of things in both our lives, we couldn't be together.  


The years had passed....I knew that he was still around, because he never left.  I had pushed him away for many reasons, but I needed him again.  I needed to find the me he had helped me become so long ago.  My life had changed, My body had changed, I didn't feel like the same person he loved back then.  So first step was to become the person I knew I could be, the person he loved.  


I found him...and it was like all the years had fallen through a funnel...all the feelings and emotions came rushing back.   I think it happened because we both were needing each other for what ever silly reasons they may have been, or because our lives were lacking what we once provided each other...the things that tied us together and never let us move on...those things are what brought us together again.


Months have passed, and some days depending on my mood...I'm happy, others are sad.   


I realize though, that in both of us...we make each other feel alive. He often reminds me that we are getting older...but I too, so often remind him, that we have to keep our hearts and minds young...the years will come and go...the wrinkles will paint our faces...the muscles in our bodies will turn soft... but if we run and play,  we will always laugh...we will never allow ourselves to wither...we will never die.


What he sees in my eyes...that come from my heart is a spark, the spark that lights a fire between us...what I see in his eyes...is a reason to laugh and play...to cry and sing...to write beautiful love stories.   What we see in each other is something neither of us has ever found in anyone else and I believe that we are each other's addiction.  As he says it, from the moment he saw me he was bewitched...and as I say, from the moment I fell in love with him, I have never been the same. 


When he looks at me, I feel like the most beautiful woman in the world...in his presence I feel I can dance and be myself...without anyone judging me.   And he too, feels the most manly man, the most desirable when he looks into my eyes and feels my heart and soul.   He often asks me how I can give all my heart so easily to him. It's simple, it's because its so easy...because of who he is, and all that he has given me and in a way, he's filled my heart..and I have no other choice than making it his...  It's funny, but...in a way, it's my fairy tale.   


Yes, most of the time, we see only the beauty in our relationship.   Although there are times, that the hideous outweighs everything else.   That is when we go away, we push each other away, and try to run from all that we desire... I, so many times,  try to find the road that takes me far from the love of my life.   The thing is...neither he nor I can go very far.  And when we realize we can't go far, we run to each other for all that we love.   The sparks in our eyes...the laughter, the silliness, the stories, the love...the passion,  .....yes, all that attract us to each other...is hard to let go of and in a way, we become kids again.


I pray for someone equal or better to walk into my life...and rescue me from all the feelings...that fill me.   I know that is the only way I will go away.  The only way I will be free and the only way I will set him free.   But there's a part of me...that is not sure, if I could ever be free from something so beautiful.  And that is the part of me that finds it unfathomable to let go.  i believe he feels the same way, as he also, can not let me go.   We've tried, numerous times...but the ties that bind us are stronger than every strength we have.  


I hope that everyone has experienced this type of feeling.   I don't know if I'm in love...but I know I love him...for all the wonderful things he makes me feel.   From so very far away...    


The other day, my sister in law sent me a link to a very deep love poem, song type thing.    But what she said was this was for her hopeless romantic friends (me and her other friend).  Initially I was like "what...hopeless romantic? me?"   I DON'T THINK SO! 


Honestly, i always thought hopeless romantic was something negative...someone that couldn't find love.   Well...i googled it... and hopeless romantic is this:   


A person in love with love.  They believe in fairy tales and love.  All hopeless romantics are idealists, the sentimental dreamers, the imaginative and the fanciful when you get to know them.   They often live with rose colored glasses on.  They make love look like an art form with all the romantic things they do for their special someone.


Wow....when i found that...it was the definition of me!  Mona...


Then i began to wonder...could it be the Sagittarius in me... so I googled Sagittarius...and I had to tell him.   


He's also Sagittarius... and we are very much a like.   Although he may be just a bit more reserved than I am, maybe a lot more until we're together...  I think its the kid in me that he loves...but it's also the kid in him that I love.   I feel that we have a rope between us...kinda like tug a war..he pulls one way, by using words and gestures that make me fight, that make me crazy ...then i use words or expressions that bring him running...  indifference...its what makes us wild.   We have never been mad...until I did something a couple weeks ago...and felt i lost him...but i knew that i would never lose him...i knew he could never go away for long.    It was funny, it was as if nothing happened.  Yeah, we are forgiving..and we forget...there's nothing else to do. Did i say we were alike?


When researching Sagittarius traits... i found something that told our story.   Its in spanish, but i will translate the best I can..


Las mujeres de Jupiter son idealistas incurables.  Y te dire un secreto que tal vez la tuya no te haya confiado nunca:  se enamoro de ti hace muchos años, cuando era pequenita y pedia a la luna nueva que le enviara a alguien para compartir la sinceridad de su corazon.  Hubo montones de veces en que le parecio que te habia encontrado, pero se desilusiono.  Pero cuando por fin llegaste, te reconocio al instante, porque eras un apacible payaso con algunos sueños propios, que la tomo de la mano y le mostro el camino que conduce a las estrellas.  


Jupiter women are incurable idealists. And I'll tell you a secret that yours might not have ever confided in you: she fell in love many years ago, when she was little and called on the new moon to send her someone to share the sincerity of his heart. There were lots of times when she thought she had found you, but was disappointed.  But when you finally arrived, she immediately recognized you, because you were a gentle clown with dreams of your own, and you  took her by the hand and showed her the path to the stars. 


This was sooooo deep to me.  I immediately had to send it to him.    It was, in just a short paragraph...in so few words...telling the story of a lifetime.... my lifetime.   And a lifetime of a man and woman...who stumbled across each other...through time...and space...and with no deliberate intention....they fell in love...filling each other's lives in ways they had never imagined.


Yes, for the most part...all the stories I've written...have come from him.  I thank him all the time for painting my world in color...because if it hadn't been for him...i wouldn't have written all I have...all the finished and unfinished love stories.   And believe it or not...they are not about me and him...they come from our creativity...our happiness...our sadness...  Each and every day...I am thankful to have been blessed by someone so special...someone who believes I am so very special...and who has helped me realize my value in this world.... I make him smile...he makes me smile....  He makes me cry....I make him cry....  And in his words..."you are the best women I have ever met in my life"....although that part he says in spanish :).  And, even though I've never told him, because I have to keep some secrets...He truly is the best man I have ever met, someone I consider my soul mate.     


Yes, bits and pieces of me are living in a fairy tale...bits and pieces of me are living a horror story....I live more in the fairy tale paving  the way to my happily ever after...not relying too much on others' views of how my life or life in general should be lived...but leaning on an illusion so great, which has brought to my life...hope...hope that my dreams will all come true...as i step graciously or stumble one foot at a time...toward my happiness!


Hey...they say once in a lifetime...   I say why not twice in a lifetime!  And so it will be...