All of Me....Loves...All of you...

There are things in life we want to hold onto with all our might... something so precious...we never want to let go.  But if we hold on too tightly, it can lose the life it has inside.   We were born free, and a portion of us needs to be free.   So i'm opening up my heart...and my arms, once again.....and i am going to fly, as I let him, continue on his path...taking care of all that matters to him most...

One day, long ago.... as his little boy played on the floor, he told me, that he knew that he was the reason he wasn't with me.  And when he looked into that little boy's eyes...he knew he could never leave.    I loved him even more because of that...  Because in my life, I knew that the little boy in my life, was who I lived for....and I also knew that the little boy in my life, wasn't precious enough to his father, to be there and teach him right from wrong...   I told him many times, that he is a good man, and it's why I have always  loved him and will always love him.  I have to reassure him, that he is good, even during the moments, he says he is not...because of us.   

I woke up last night... singing, "All of Me Loves All of You"....... my head rested on my arm.....and he was there.... no, not his body....but his smell...... and at that moment, I was so happy i had worn the sleeveless dress....because i had him again,,, i couldn't push my face into my arm deep enough.  I was pushing my face into my arm to try to envelop myself in all i had left of him, and by doing this,  i found the remnants of him, in the scent on my arms, which took me back to the moments spent in his arms....all i knew is i never wanted to wash him from me... not ever...

I said I wouldn't cry when I left..... I said I was going to be strong, because I knew I would be back,some day.... but as I sit here now....at home...and thousands of miles away....all I know is all of me loves all of him.... and I cry, because it's all I have at this moment.  My tears...to cleanse me..... in a weird way.....    And now again, I have to figure out how to go on......... Gluttons for punishment, we are..... but even after all the pain is felt...... what remains are the moments of pleasure, of peace, of laughter, and those silent stares, that tell it all....  

Now i'll unpack, and look at all the things I brought back...things I took, to be so pretty for his eyes only.... little treasures filled with memories..... all the little things i took, his glasses with a big 50 on them for his birthday... the Minnie and Mickey ears..... the Rudolph the Rednose Reindeer glowing noses, our party hats..... the vampire teeth......the deflated blue and black balloons that once held the air that i breathed for him... cuz that's me......all of me....... giving to him, reasons to laugh, reasons to smile.....  reasons to live in both our memories and hearts always... 

One moment, we were sitting up on our specific chairs we always sit in...yes, I always have the same room #529.....He got a call from a co-worder and was explaining what needed to be done... on those magical things they construct,   So I listened, then got that burst of energy I get, my eyes sparkle, i look up to the right, and my mouth turns up...with a smile... and his eyes look to me like......now what?  as he smiles... and the expression of anticipation is formed on his beautiful face...

i stood up, and my dress was funny, black and white (yes, the one in the pictures), tight on top but flared out on bottom.  I had told him it opened up like the dolls on top of cakes, perfectly round around the doll's body.  I stood up on the bed...cuz i'm crazy like that...... and i twirled..... like the little ballerinas  in the music boxes..... Silly me.    But things I do like this, just to laugh and smile with him.... I turn into a child....which brings the child in him out...   I do it because I want all of his memories of me to be beautiful

.... it's like i've always had this mission to accomplish giving him happy memories and only good ones of me.   Truly,  saving him a thousand times, has been my salvation, like my song Heroe (in spanish)  says.

I couldn't twirl very well, barefooted on the bedsheets........so as i stretched my arms upward and turned slowly as I looked up.....all there was, was ceiling..... I wanted there to be sky and run and play with him... I wanted to run away and just be under the stars with him....So I said, come, hurry hurry.............and i laid on the bed... he's looking at me with anticipation, yet with caution as I knew the thought that was going through his head, "what is she going to do now?" but he smiled.... and i said, "lay down....and look up"....i took his hand, as he obeyed me and laid silently on the bed beside me and I said "look at the stars"....... and he laughed, he's kinda shy...but, then he found the stars...the creases in the ceiling was the milky way....and he found the clouds in the shadows and that white smoke detector was our full moon....   we laid there silently after our silliness...... then i sat up, at his side..... touched his beautiful hair, and watched him look at me, and he watched me look at him.... i can't describe our stares, but we mirror each other... and yes..... i see my beauty in him, and he sees his own reflected in me.

I told him one day, that one of the greatest things, which may be for our egos, is knowing the affect we have on someone.   I know how I affect him, and he knows how he affects me.   And no, we can't resist whatever it is we can't go away from.   Special is who we are...good people are who we are....imperfect, yet so perfect, in this imperfect...perfect life of ours.   

After our silliness and the silent stares, the pain on our faces reemerged under our sky of stars, moon and clouds created by us...... and i couldn't hold back.   I cried... as i turned my face from him hiding myself behind my hair, so he wouldn't see my distorted face as I cried, cries that came from so deep inside my gut... i sobbed, a cry i couldn't control, that shook my body as i tried to control it... he pushed my hair aside, as he so often does, because it seems to always find its way to my face... he dried my tears, and its when i saw his eyes filled with tears as he squinted, trying to hide his weakness as well....I looked at that beautiful face...of the man who I will forever love...

The miles for me...the kilometers for him......are what make this craziness ok, because when we're together...... there is so much pain.... in knowing, it can't be right now.

I told him......I'll be in Miami waiting...for the day you come to find me and make me yours....    But, he knows I was always his.... I gave my heart to him.... and my heart is my soul.    

On my second trip there 2 years ago, i met someone who said, that love is risking everything that is important to us to be with someone.

That had never been my definition of love.......but now it's the only definition I have for the love that he and I share.   

I had listened to the song I woke up singing.... before I got there, but as i came into Murcia the first day it began to play on the radio and it was how i've felt for so many years..... because i've given all of me to him..... yes, and that's why he calls me Mia.... 

As I drove into town I listened to these words and it was like the song had been written for a love that we shared...

You're my downfall, you're my muse

My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can't stop singing, 

it's ringing, in my head for you.

My head's under water

But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

'Cause all of me Loves all of you

You're my end and my beginning

Even when I lose I'm winning

'Cause I give you all of me

And you give me all of you, 

(lyrics...All of Me, John Legend)

And, yes.... Even when I lose, I am winning...

and in this relationship we have both won....

I told him, you've taught me so much,  and he said you taught me more...and he 
laughed about things we learned together, our intimacies...and our silliness...

but he said, the best things i've learned from you are life lessons, valuable lessons... i didn't ask what they were, as I now wish I had...

but I guess I don't need to ask...because I know the life lessons I learned from him, and because of those things I am more whole than i ever was before him.

He told me..... me das todo (you give me everything)... you come alone from Miami to be here... all by yourself... me quieres mucho y yo tambien te quiero mucho (you love me so much and i love you) ...... and you impress me so much with all that you do and all you are... eres una maquina... siempre lo sabia.  

The lesson... hmmm...not sure.

follow your heart...

let it lead you to the beauty the world has waiting for you go with an open mind, an open heart...and let it lead you to the most beautiful... and if it's meant to remain in your life, then you protect it, if it's not, keep the best of what you experienced, and let it make your life richer...fuller.... 

Love... like there is no tomorrow.... Give to those you love, like there is no tomorrow... because when tomorrow comes, you want to know that all did you did and all you gave was worth every ounce of your being, of the money you spent, of the love you felt, of the moments you shared....... of you.

And that's how I feel today...

it was all so worth it....

and I know, even though we said this is the end..

it will never end...
not in forever...
because we are #forever
#mia #mio

And yes.... I came back more in love...than ever before...

Be the magic that you seek, and you will find
something so magical... you'll know the fairy tale kind of love exists..

In him I found magic... and I become magical...
in every sense of the word...

(time to get to work, so I can be all that I'm meant to be
and all that I need to be to ready myself for all the 
best that is yet to come)