FOR MY GREATEST BENEFIT...

Life... yeah, it happens

Some days beautiful...

and some days the worst imaginable

but... I've learned that it's all happening to bring us what's meant for us.

Lately, I've realized how much I've changed over the last year

and the reason I am thinking of it more... is of course

because of the woman I've become

with My Miguel.

The man who I've loved most in my life.

the man who I've called the man of my dreams

the love of my life.

Last year really was a horrible year in every aspect of my life.

But there was always a silver lining at the end

But, with him, I changed into the person who I never thought I could be

in regards to him.

I've gotten a lot closer to him lately.   But I don't feel that head over heels

kind of love I used to feel.

And I didn't know why.

Last month, he told me to go to Spain.

and guess what... I still don't have my ticket

2 years ago... maybe not last year

because of the whole cancer stuff..

i would have had my tickets that same day.

Nothing ever stopped me.

And now.   Something is stopping me.

and I believe that is me.

I said I wasn't going back till he did more for me.

And one day I was wondering why a part of me wanted to go

and a part of me didn't.

The part of me that doesn't want to go

is thinking of the hassles of the luggage, and the long plane ride.

all the inconveniences of travel are in my way of buying the ticket

Then I realized...

that the part of me that doesn't jump on buying the tickets

the part of me that doesn't want to go

wants it to be perfect.

I want it to be worth it.

and not just moments... I want it all to be perfect.

Then there's the part of me that wants to go.

The part that wants to be next to him

The part that wants to see the magic in him

The part of me that needs his touch

And the part of me that feels like flying when i'm near him

But... you know.

The other day I found old love letters

conversations we had

And I realized something

I realized I was not in love with him anymore

of course I love him

I'll always love him

but, as far as being desperately in love

like I was before,

I'm not.

And I'm not even sad about it.

Last month at the beginning of the month

I read my monthly horoscope

And it said something like a romance would be rekindled

with someone from a foreign country

Who else but him, right?

Of course

And honestly, we've gotten closer.  He reminds me of the man I fell in love with

But it's made me realize

that maybe he was realizing that he was losing me

and now is trying to give me

all that he knows makes me fall madly in love.

Maybe...

but I'm different.

And in a way it makes me sad.  Because that was the best part of me.

And now I just don't feel it.

I keep telling myself... just go with the flow,

love him with all your might like you know how

read all the beautiful love letters

listen to his words, and his tones and all that I need to know

how he loves me

and wants me

but... yeah... maybe so...

but it just isn't enough.

I keep thinking I need to feel these feelings so I can write my second book

The book that is where Forever... began.

The love story that is so beautiful and yet so painful.

But... I'm not feeling it.

I am numb

And of course I put the blame..

and the word "blame" I don't like

but I can attribute it to what I went thru last year

what came to me and what happened in my life

Cancer

And all the realizations that came with it.

I realized that there are very very very few people that will fight for us

And I realized that sometimes men aren't strong enough to deal with it

He wasn't.  

He was there... but he wasn't there enough.

And now that I'm repaired, after my first fat transfer 

and my upper tummy lyposuction

I think he is feeling that he could lose me

because of how my confidence has grown

Last year I was lost in a world of all the inconveniences that cancer brings to a person's life

not knowing if I would die

but all the realizations of what and who was really important

and then realizing that sometimes the people we depend on most

in an indirect sort of way

aren't there when we really need them

but then other people come out of the woodwork

to give you strength

and let you know you are not alone

You know...

when I wrote Forever...

I was madly in love with him

We were on two different continents

desperately in love with each other

he used to call us vampires

because of the hours we were staying up just to 

spend time with one another

due to the 8 hour time difference between

Colorado and Spain

I remember one day thinking...

because I'm so far, what if something happens to him.

How would I ever know?

Then it came to me.

What is the greatest thing someone would do for someone you love.

In order to never lose them.

I knew that a person would fight with everything they had in them

not to lose the person they most love

And that is how Forever... was born.

and in a sense... it's what I needed to feel last year

I needed to know that the ones who truly loved me 

would do anything to save me.

And it didn't happen.

And it made me hard and angry and bitter

until December...

when I read the words

"everything that is happening is for my greatest benefit"

and 9 months later... I'm ok

But... a ok that is different than an ok, 2 years ago.

I think cancer changed my love for him.

Because he wasn't there for me, like I needed him to be

The other day I told him

No pido la luna... solo pido las estrellas,

y de vez en cuando quiero que me regalas una

(I don't ask for the moon, just the stars -

and every now and then I want you to give one to me)

yeah... i never asked for everything

I just need something beautiful now and then.

I'm simple that way...

Hey... I loved a man, so purely, with all my heart for so many years

him on one continent, me on another...

and that was another realization...

it wasn't as beautiful as I painted it to be

But my creativity... and the love I felt from him were enough.

Sadly... today, the bits and pieces is not enough...

And who's to say what will happen next. 

I haven't decided.  I'm not going to make firm decisions

I'm just going to let life happen.

I let go... so that what is meant to come, will come.

And best of all...

is I'm ok.

I'm finally ok!