Me, Myself & I

 

5.5.25.  2:00 a.m.  oops.  It’s 5.5.24

My friend We asked me today.  “Who is Ramona, who is Ramona, really”   After a few seconds, I replied,    First, there are two of me,   The hard me and the soft me.     The soft me is magic.   The soft me is romantic and sees the beauty in the world.   The soft me makes things beautiful and romanticizes everything.  The soft me believes in love.    And the hard me works, and sees the ugly in the world.  The hard me has been hurt and it’s made me stone and it’s hardened me   It’s built walls around me to protect me from what I once believed to be beautiful friendships, beautiful family love and the disappointments and belief in people.   The beliefs I held so close to my heart and believed in with every ounce of my being now just shadows of that softness I long to be.  

I went back and thought of my weeks in Spain last fall and remembered I felt soft, and happy and I was all I wanted to be.   And then when I landed in Texas, I felt I had literally transformed.  I felt only one thing.  Hard.  And I remember wondering.   Is it because I’m speaking English    Because my voice changes.  In Spanish I am soft.  In English I am hard.   Literally.     In Spain I wrote and spoke of love and I smiled more than I had smiled in years.   I get back here and I have to become romanticized by music or get lost in writing love letters and fantasies or love stories to become soft again.  

Of course I’m going on more here than I did during my conversation with my friend.   Because I am thinking of who I really, truly am.    I began writing now on another note page I have of a story I’m writing and one of the chapters will be Me, Myself and I….

So who am I .   Truly….  Ramona, Mona, Mia.

Ramona, the hard one who protects and provides.   Mona, me,   And Mia, his.   Or is it just Ramona and Mona Mia.  Only 2.     I have to think about that.  Because Mona is all things beautiful that Mia has brought to life.   Mia has given Mona life, in all my childlike innocence, it lives, she lives, they live.   

The soft side of me is the best part of me and the part I wish I was always.  Mona, Mía …. The one who wants to love and be loved.   The one who wants to create and bring to life all that makes me and the ones I love, smile,    Ramona holds people at a distance.  Mona is free and invites everyone in.    Mona Mía is playful, and curious and wants to discover and share all that is beautiful.   Where as Ramona guards all things she loves afraid the world, the insincere will only tarnish all she holds dear.  Tired of being disillusioned. Tired of putting efforts where others will take but never nourish to make better.  So why try.    

Mona, Mona, Mona Mía…..   oh if i could write stories, I would write of beautiful loves songs, and dancing in the rain, walks on the beach with the love of my life at my side.   The running, the laughing, the adventures and days end in his arms.    

She also asked me what I found so attractive or what I saw in him truly, as I talked about all I am when I’m with him.    I couldn’t speak of specifics.  I could only speak of what he makes me feel.   Peace.   Even in all the turmoil or inquietude, he is peace.    One day many years ago as we lay in each others arms he said when he is with me he has peace.   I didn’t think much of it at the time, but now I know what it means.    And peace is what Ramona seeks, to always be Mona   And Mia, is the cherry on top of that sky high mountain of sweet cream over raspberries and blackberries wrapped In a crust so flaky, you get lost in the flavors of life.    

Mia.  Mía.  Mía.    His his his… no reasons, no justifications, no understanding.  No understanding.  Just love.  Pure and simple love.    Unconditional, at its best.    A fantasy, algo incansable.    Untouchable, yet touchable.  Like taking a small bird into my hands and speaking to to as I look into it’s eyes but having to let go so it lives as it’s meant to live.  So we live what is meant to be lived.  Until the day arrives when we are free to live all that we’ve dreamed and fantasized about (Listening to Soñar by Shalim as the teardrops take me back to Ibiza).    

It’s funny how a song can wrap me in the words of my heart.  They spill but the tune or song changes and the words hide,    

Are we all 2 people.  The survivor overpowering the soft person we dream of being.     Soft for a man, is it peace?    Soft for a woman, is a whirlwind of all things beautiful?   Kind of like the little fairies in Sleeping Beauty with their pretty dresses, can spin all things into perfection, in an instant.   Whether it’s a snack or full course meal, a picnic on the beach or side of the road.   A lit candle, or a song to lighten the room where the two of you will find peace.     A smile, or that certain look in your eyes that will bring him to his knees.  The soft scent of your favorite fragrance that makes him wild as he pushes his face into your hair searching for your neck to kiss.     And then, allowing him to be his masculine self in the planning and the fixing, as you watch him smiling with pride that he is by your side, if just for a moment, he feels all a man is meant to feel.   And you, run your fingers through his hair. Pushing that strand of hair that always finds its way to his forehead.   Pushing forward to kiss him for his efforts in making everything perfect and bringing the peace, you long for every day, to live the life you dream of.    

Is it love that makes us soft?   Do we become pliable?   Do we flow freely?   And is it then that the world truly becomes beautiful.  No reason to be hard.   Maybe.   Because it is then that the child in us is allowed to come out and play.   You know the one we become when we have no limits.   To run and play, to smile and laugh till we fall on the floor.    I believe so.  Because when love is lost, or there is an absence of love, we become hard.     Justifying, and hiding all our vulnerabilities that, in our minds, makes us weak.    

Is that why people don’t talk about love, until love is talked about?  Is that why strangers tell me of their love stories, when I tell them I’m writing a love story.  Are we all so hungry to be soft.  Are we all just so desperately wanting to feel loved and to love with no limits.   And when we have an instant to tell our stories, the words and emotions pour from us like the opening of the gates of a dam so ready to release all of its waters.     

Love….  Life…..  we live it and allow it to form us

But, the only thing I can say is I always want to be soft.    

And I wonder, his love of my stories, listening to my words that create far away lands that always lead back to him, is that his way of always falling in love with me over and over again…..   I think I veered off, but yeah.   Yeah yeah…. Mona. Mona. Mía….    (Only Ángels -still in love).  Ibiza Ibiza.  One day we’ll be in Ibiza,.. 

Two Great Loves Theory

 

They say that throughout our lives we have two great loves: one with whom you marry or live forever, maybe the father or mother of your children... That person you reach the maximum understanding to spend the rest of your life with.

And they say that there is a second great love, a person you will always lose. Someone with whom you were born connected, so connected that the chemical forces elude reason and will prevent you, always, from reaching a happy ending. Until one day you will forsake trying... You will give up and seek that other person to finally find her or him.

But I assure you that you will not spend a single night without the need of another kiss from him or her, or even arguing one more time...

You all know what I'm talking about because while you were reading this, his or her name has come to your mind.

You will get rid of him or her, you will stop suffering, you will succeed in finding peace (by replacing him or her for calm), but I assure you there will not be a day without you looking forward for him or her to be here disturbing you.

Because sometimes, you radiate more energy arguing with someone you love, than making love with someone you appreciate.

Translated fragment from Paulo Coelho

Dicen que a lo largo de nuestra vida tenemos dos grandes amores; uno con el que te casas o vives para siempre, puede que el padre o la madre de tus hijos... Esa persona con la que consigues la compenetración máxima para estar el resto de tu vida junto a ella...

Y dicen que hay un segundo gran amor, una pewrsona que perderéis siempre. Alguien con quien naciste conectado, tan conectado que las fuerzas de la química escapan a la razón y os impedirán,siempre, alcanzar un final feliz. Hasta que cierto día dejareis de intentarlo… Os rendiréis y buscaréis a esa otra persona que acabaréis encontrando.

Pero os aseguro que no pasaréis una sola noche, sin necesitar otro beso suyo, o tan siquiera discutir una vez más...

Todos sabéis de qué estoy hablando, porque mientras estabais leyendo esto, os ha venido su nombre a la cabeza.

Os librareis de él o de ella, dejareis de sufrir,conseguiréis encontrar la paz (le sustituiréis por la calma), pero os aseguro que no pasará un día en que deseéis que estuviera aquí para perturbaros.

Porque, a veces, se desprende más energía discutiendo con alguien a quien amas,que haciendo el amor con alguien a quien aprecias.

Paulo Coelho

FOR MY GREATEST BENEFIT...

Life... yeah, it happens

Some days beautiful...

and some days the worst imaginable

but... I've learned that it's all happening to bring us what's meant for us.

Lately, I've realized how much I've changed over the last year

and the reason I am thinking of it more... is of course

because of the woman I've become

with My Miguel.

The man who I've loved most in my life.

the man who I've called the man of my dreams

the love of my life.

Last year really was a horrible year in every aspect of my life.

But there was always a silver lining at the end

But, with him, I changed into the person who I never thought I could be

in regards to him.

I've gotten a lot closer to him lately.   But I don't feel that head over heels

kind of love I used to feel.

And I didn't know why.

Last month, he told me to go to Spain.

and guess what... I still don't have my ticket

2 years ago... maybe not last year

because of the whole cancer stuff..

i would have had my tickets that same day.

Nothing ever stopped me.

And now.   Something is stopping me.

and I believe that is me.

I said I wasn't going back till he did more for me.

And one day I was wondering why a part of me wanted to go

and a part of me didn't.

The part of me that doesn't want to go

is thinking of the hassles of the luggage, and the long plane ride.

all the inconveniences of travel are in my way of buying the ticket

Then I realized...

that the part of me that doesn't jump on buying the tickets

the part of me that doesn't want to go

wants it to be perfect.

I want it to be worth it.

and not just moments... I want it all to be perfect.

Then there's the part of me that wants to go.

The part that wants to be next to him

The part that wants to see the magic in him

The part of me that needs his touch

And the part of me that feels like flying when i'm near him

But... you know.

The other day I found old love letters

conversations we had

And I realized something

I realized I was not in love with him anymore

of course I love him

I'll always love him

but, as far as being desperately in love

like I was before,

I'm not.

And I'm not even sad about it.

Last month at the beginning of the month

I read my monthly horoscope

And it said something like a romance would be rekindled

with someone from a foreign country

Who else but him, right?

Of course

And honestly, we've gotten closer.  He reminds me of the man I fell in love with

But it's made me realize

that maybe he was realizing that he was losing me

and now is trying to give me

all that he knows makes me fall madly in love.

Maybe...

but I'm different.

And in a way it makes me sad.  Because that was the best part of me.

And now I just don't feel it.

I keep telling myself... just go with the flow,

love him with all your might like you know how

read all the beautiful love letters

listen to his words, and his tones and all that I need to know

how he loves me

and wants me

but... yeah... maybe so...

but it just isn't enough.

I keep thinking I need to feel these feelings so I can write my second book

The book that is where Forever... began.

The love story that is so beautiful and yet so painful.

But... I'm not feeling it.

I am numb

And of course I put the blame..

and the word "blame" I don't like

but I can attribute it to what I went thru last year

what came to me and what happened in my life

Cancer

And all the realizations that came with it.

I realized that there are very very very few people that will fight for us

And I realized that sometimes men aren't strong enough to deal with it

He wasn't.  

He was there... but he wasn't there enough.

And now that I'm repaired, after my first fat transfer 

and my upper tummy lyposuction

I think he is feeling that he could lose me

because of how my confidence has grown

Last year I was lost in a world of all the inconveniences that cancer brings to a person's life

not knowing if I would die

but all the realizations of what and who was really important

and then realizing that sometimes the people we depend on most

in an indirect sort of way

aren't there when we really need them

but then other people come out of the woodwork

to give you strength

and let you know you are not alone

You know...

when I wrote Forever...

I was madly in love with him

We were on two different continents

desperately in love with each other

he used to call us vampires

because of the hours we were staying up just to 

spend time with one another

due to the 8 hour time difference between

Colorado and Spain

I remember one day thinking...

because I'm so far, what if something happens to him.

How would I ever know?

Then it came to me.

What is the greatest thing someone would do for someone you love.

In order to never lose them.

I knew that a person would fight with everything they had in them

not to lose the person they most love

And that is how Forever... was born.

and in a sense... it's what I needed to feel last year

I needed to know that the ones who truly loved me 

would do anything to save me.

And it didn't happen.

And it made me hard and angry and bitter

until December...

when I read the words

"everything that is happening is for my greatest benefit"

and 9 months later... I'm ok

But... a ok that is different than an ok, 2 years ago.

I think cancer changed my love for him.

Because he wasn't there for me, like I needed him to be

The other day I told him

No pido la luna... solo pido las estrellas,

y de vez en cuando quiero que me regalas una

(I don't ask for the moon, just the stars -

and every now and then I want you to give one to me)

yeah... i never asked for everything

I just need something beautiful now and then.

I'm simple that way...

Hey... I loved a man, so purely, with all my heart for so many years

him on one continent, me on another...

and that was another realization...

it wasn't as beautiful as I painted it to be

But my creativity... and the love I felt from him were enough.

Sadly... today, the bits and pieces is not enough...

And who's to say what will happen next. 

I haven't decided.  I'm not going to make firm decisions

I'm just going to let life happen.

I let go... so that what is meant to come, will come.

And best of all...

is I'm ok.

I'm finally ok!   

And, In Forever... She Believed

Maybe I should start at the beginning.   The beginning of my Forever...  

And maybe you've read or heard my story and how it all began.

Once upon a time, a woman fell in love with a man

on the other side of the ocean...

thousands of miles away.

He called them Vampires (Vampiros, as he only spoke spanish)

because of the hours they had to be awake to see each other

from the other side of the world.

He fell in love with her the first time he saw her, is what he says.

he said she put a spell on him the very instant

he laid eyes on her

She did not fall in love till many months later

But when she fell in love...

she knew there had been no other

there could be no other love like what she felt for him

and she had not even touched the most beautiful being she had laid eyes on

but who a few months earlier was not someone she would have been attracted to

It would not have been him she picked

but it was she, who he saw who changed the reality he was living and had chosen

She was a romantic, and he brought this out even more as 

They dreamed of being together

He made her promise that the first chance they got they would be together

she would be there

She promised.

Her mind was wild

her heart was on fire

and she craved the moment that she looked into his eyes

and felt him near

And then she began to create

A story came to her

a story because of the love she felt for him

and knew he felt for her

She called it Forever...

and she began to write.

and many years later her work of love was completed.

~~~~~~~

So that's the story... of my Forever...

Because loving him, I knew that our love would last forever.

So today... when I woke up, I had to finish a letter to him of all the things I needed to say

things I needed to share

responses to what he said the last time we talked

and to thank him again...for the things that I appreciate.

but to also let him know that things are changing in me

although they remain the same

Things can't remain the same

because I no longer am the same.
And if he doesn't do what we both want
then he will eventually lose me forever...

twisted words... that only can be twisted

because i can't say exactly what I wrote

they were words that may be like daggers to him

but they are the reality of my now

As I wrote that I realized, once again that he is also changing
And yes, in the way I am happy with
Hey, I said last year - if I don't change, nothing will change
And so I changed, and things are better

Anyway...

I read something this morning.

"Forever is composed of nows" 

Emily Dickinson

Oh...and it made me think.

Because I truly believe in forever love.

If you nurture it, if you are kind and patient and creative

with the one you love,
it will last forever...

But forever composed of nows... 

really made me think.

I have written something about Happily Ever After...

that we construct our road to happily ever after

as it consists of all that we live... 

that in living we create our happily ever after

it's not only happy in the end.

One of my friends has posted a lot lately

about living the moment.

We live in the past, we live in the future.   Mainly because of what our brains are thinking

And as I think of it

I rarely live the moment

maybe because a lot of my moments seem empty

empty, because I feel alone at times

empty because I'm inside my home

dreaming of being somewhere else.

and I realize that empty moments
cause us to dream of the past and of the future

That's a real sad world.

If we can't enjoy our nows
if we think they're so empty
that we have to dream of another time.

Hey, but wait a minute.
as I begin to analyze this living in the moment stuff,
our current reality is based on what we've lived
and also what we dream of living.

Because if we never had dreamt of the future
we would not be where we are today.
We would not have created our current reality
So it's ok to dream of the future
and take from the past the lessons we learned
and all that we have experienced

I guess the answer to this is
Live in the now, with the best of the past and beautiful dreams of the future
Just don't get stuck there,
that we miss out on the beauty we are currently surrounded by

I'm a loner in a sense...

or maybe not in a sense... I am a loner

I love my friends and family

but I do not live like I should be living

A few days ago, I was a little sad

because I felt I had no purpose at this time

my mind has been crazy, trying to create

trying to accomplish what I've set out to

yet feeling stuck because of fear and

a few things that I lack

But this morning as I showered.

I began to think of the powerful words I read

"forever is composed of nows"

And I thought of my friend who just lost her husband

I wrote to her and told her something like

 live and do what they dreamt of doing together

and he will be there with her always.

We waste our lives dreaming

or at least I do

I've in a sense wasted parts of my life waiting

as well

And I have to do something... anything to stop what I've done

and stop wasting my life

stop wasting my moments

stop wasting my nows

I need to live

I was given a second chance after cancer

to live

and I feel like I've been in limbo the last year and a half

honestly...

i felt like something needed to be completed in order to begin

And maybe, after my final surgery in November, I will begin to live

nothing pending

free to live... and do what I dream of

It's funny how we put ourselves in a cage

only by what we believe.

What we perceive to be true, will always be true.

And like my favorite song says,

"perception is reality"

And so I know that I am the only one limiting me

And as I finished my shower this morning... I thought

Do the things you dream of doing with him, even if if he is not there.

And as I've said too many times...

"do what you love and the person who loves you, will be waiting there"

hey, if we don't live these precious moments

we are given

they are lost...

lost in Forever... 

****Again... my mind is everywhere
It's how I work
one thought sparks a realization that sparks another thought
that causes me to analyze
looking for the best in what causes me to think***

time to work on the important stuff  lol

See you in Forever...

update: 

not sure if the links work to my book - so I have to update this info as of today 

January 6, 2022

My book can be purchased on amazon or thru Create Space.

My heart came up with the story

My fingers laid my words on paper

and continue to write the saga.

Whispers of Forever.. now in the works.

Prequel to Forever... and yes, 

where it all began.

Create Space - Book
https://www.createspace.com/5539155

Amazon - Book
https://www.amazon.com/Forever-Monalisa-Lobato/dp/0996743405


Kindle edition
https://www.amazon.com/Forever-Monalisa-Lobato-ebook/dp/B00VJ2UE2C

UNFINISHED BUSINESS...

So... I just wrote a facebook post...

and I said,

we'll always have unfinished business...

and it made me think of the words in the movie

The Notebook

"it wasn't over... it still isn't over"

And yes, it's what I know

and am certain of.

but... my mind and heart

are no longer weak

where I thrive on those thoughts

and am no longer needy of him

Although I miss him, just like I told him.

I miss him lots...

but I'm ok.

I read last night... an article that said

if it was the  right person, it wouldn't be the wrong time.

It really made me think.

In fact it put me in my place.

A place I needed to be

Another place of deep realization

because i'm always trying to find meaning

I have to find meaning in us

the article I read... expanded on what I had already realized

about us.

You know...

so many times we fight for love..

we love people desperately

and they don't love us in the way we need to be loved at that moment

the way we're loving them

and it causes us so much pain.

and the part of me... that realizes why everything happened the way it

was so that I could grow and be a better person

and discover more

and help others more

and just have a fuller life

it all needed to happen to bring us all to where we are today

but the part of me that fantasizes

and knows that we will be together one day

was slapped into thinking something differently last night

After reading that article

I realized, that maybe he isn't the right person

because he would do everything to never lose me

I think that's what I want now

is proof that he loves me

i want to see what he would do to never lose me

it's what I wanted last  year when i was going thru the whole cancer thing

I just needed to know I was loved.

And honestly... I didn't feel it where I needed to feel it most.

And not because i was loved less,

but I realized how little I actually was receiving before that

and i just wanted and needed more

and it's why i'm going away, in a sense

not because I don't love him

not because i'm tired of him

Only because I want to be loved

the way I want to be loved

the way I deserve to be loved

and also...

I want to be loved, the way I love.

bits and pieces no longer suffice

and cancer, yes taught me to do with or without it

even though I love with everything that embodies my heart, soul, body....

every thing.

I won't settle anymore.

first and foremost, for anyone less than he is

and secondly... for bits and pieces of him

I need to feel loved.

and the way he loves me hasn't changed.

I changed.

And all I realize now, is if we are the right person for each other

we will eventually make it the right time

But... time will pass...

And someday... everything will fall into place

with him or without him

I talked about my dreams today

and he asked... will there be a position for me?

I said, "you'll be the supervisor

because what I do, I dream of doing for us.   Me, You, my child, your child."

It's how I think.

He asked about my procedures
and I told him the plans
but I told him he couldn't see me until he did something
to see me, to take me to another place in Spain
to come to Miami.
I blocked him from all my pictures on social media
except my profile photos
because I won't allow him to see me anymore
No... No.
and I told him so

And so I spoke... freely, no limitations, nothing holding me back.

It's who he fell in love with.

but...again we dreamt together,

He said he'd be here at 5.

I said I'd have his clothes ironed for the wedding tonight

He asked what we would do

I told him

I'd wear my pretty black polka dot skirt I bought in Murcia

the one he saw

and we'd dance

and we'd laugh

and talk 

and laugh

and just have fun, like we know how

and then we'd run away from the crowd

and run to the beach and walk and talk and dream and laugh

and then we'd find our way to a place where we are at peace..

alone... in each other's arms.

yeah... these silly dreams

are a part of the reality we can't live right now

and haven't lived, except for moments at a time

but they are dreams we know that someday will come true.

but nothing will happen...

until it is the right time.

because I know and I know he knows

we are the right person

we met at the right time

to grow

to learn

to teach

to feel love and to love

to become our best

All I can say is it's hard to say good-bye

or stop being who we are

but... again i will say

if we don't change...nothing changes!

now to see what life has unfolding before me

I'm excited at all the beauty that is coming to me

yes... easily and effortlessly

and our paths will cross, when they're meant to cross...

we both know it.

but the part of this whole realization i made

is I'm no longer putting my life on hold

just like I told him I had to catch up when he is running,

he'll catch up to me in life.

more to come...

GOODBYE...IN A LETTER.

(the letter he will never receive, because he already knows them in
the silent words of my absence)



Goodbye My Miguel, my dear, sweet, beautiful Miguel.

I said I was leaving what we have behind, on our first day I saw you last month.

And on the last day, when you held me in your arms,

I again said it.

I know, that so many times I said, I was going to go,

in the midst of our time together

I always said it and never could follow thru on what I promised.

Now... I'm different.

And although I don't know if you sense it yet, only because of how every trip

that we're together, we end it the same

Good-bye...I love you

and we try, and we try and we try

to stay away from each other.

We don't call... because of all the reasons,
we try to follow thru on what we've said.

ok.   but this time I'm different.

Different...because a part of me can't go on like this anymore

I've realized over the last year, just how alone I am

Yes, you may love me from the other side of the ocean,

but it's not enough. 

I told you many things, when we were together.

I told you of all that you brought to my life.

I told of you all that you helped me to realize I am, just because you loved me

And because I loved you

Loving you was like flying

I was free

to dance under the moon

I was free to create all the crazy things I did... for us.

But, I can't do this anymore

I'm tired.

And like you said to me... you knew I was tired.

I remember one day,  you said, you could do this forever.

But it wasn't right.

For all the reasons it wasn't right, it was beautiful for more.

I always say that for the reasons it was not right, 

they were also the reasons I loved you more.

I know you'll miss me 

when you see a falling star

when you see the full moon above you

and on those dark rainy days.

You'll think of me when you think of Ibiza and paella

and when you see the cute little Fiats driving past you

You'll think of me when you touch yourself,
in all the places only I can touch so perfectly

You'll miss me when your back hurts and
my magical fingers and hands that cure you are no where to be found

you'll miss my stories

you'll miss the life in me, and how it gave you the desire to live more

you'll miss the look in my eyes... when I see you look at me

you'll miss the face you loved... and all the expressions only you know

you'll miss me when you hear Enrique's songs
and all the songs I sang to you, out of tune

you'll miss my tenderness

and my playfulness

and the peace you felt in my arms

you'll miss my words, and all that I create
you'll miss my child-like ways, that brought the child out of you

but one thing you will always miss is the true unconditional love that I felt for you

and how I always made you feel appreciated

and desirable...

and me....... I'll miss you every waking hour of every day.

because I wake up and you're one of my first thoughts...

and before I fall asleep, you're one of the last.

but most of all I'll miss you in my dreams... my waking dreams...

where I constantly create our next beautiful moments...

and our forever...

I don't blame you... I don't blame me.

because all I've done I did with every ounce of my being

because I loved you with all of me

It's just time now.

I try to make sense of it.

But I've realized what happened, 

and all that didn't happen,

was meant to be this way.

It had to be...

Because I needed to get to where I am now, in so many ways

And if it hadn't happened, I would be a different person today.

And that is why I'm letting go with such determination

because I know that I need to accomplish so much

And I feel that this love was weighing me down

It had me trapped

I was saving the best parts of me, for you.

for only you

and I stopped living... because I lived for you

And now... I need to put all the energy I put into you and me...

into me and my dreams.

y como dice la cancion

"

He decidido escribirte, 

despues de tanto llorar, 

mis lagrimas son hoy estos versos que, 

tu ausencia nunca podra borrar, 

me voy como vine a tu vida, 

sin hacer ruido me despido me voy, 

pero me cuesta tanto olvidarte mi amor, 

me cuesta tanto decirte adios!

Hoy he vuelto a entender que, 

jamas volveran, aquellos paseos 

de vuelta al hotel, 

en que tu me enpujabas 

para no perder, un solo instante en hacer el amor....

(Adios Dulcinea - Mago de Oz)

*****

I used to ask for signs from God and the universe

whether I should stay or move on

and I always got the needed signs to stay

I made justifications for all the reasons we weren't together

and they still today make sense

but

I can't justify any more

I can't ask for signs, although they are all around me

What we have is beautiful

and something we will never get enough of

We will always have unfinished business

it's why for 14 years, we never said good-bye.

And as I go away.. a part of me says no more

And no...it's not no more of us

it's no more, of the little we have

I need more...so I must go.

I believe now is a good time to leave

because I always knew that I always had to leave you with the best of me

I had to leave  you craving me... 

I had to leave you thinking of me only in the most positive of ways

And that is why I must go.

Our love has not died

our love still lives...

so I must go.. and leave you with the best of me

Our last day together, was like one of our first days together, so long ago

Beautiful... free... adventurous...

and giving each other the best of us.

We were happy... and of course we were sad.

You looked at me with those tear filled eyes... 

knowing deep in your heart I had to go, but you'd see me again

And I looked at you with my tear filled eyes... knowing I didn't know when I'd be back

because I knew that I wasn't coming back for a long long time

And I knew... that I had to leave... with you loving me

like I loved you... so that someday... when life changes, and the time comes,

we could find each other...

because what we have left are our beautiful memories

of you... of me... of the us that we became ...

together.

and in a sense.... I have to be the girl who got away

when you think back.

I have to be the one you think of always...wondering where I am

wondering what I'm doing

wondering who has my heart

and all the magic I bring to life

you'll miss my magic...

you'll miss my touch

and all I caused you to feel

you'll miss all that you caused me to be

all that you pulled from the hollows of my soul
and you will feel empty without all that I brought to your world
all the beautiful stories and dreams we created
and fantasies of being together

and maybe someday... like I told you

you will come for me

you will find me

you will show up at my door

and like you said, you'd come one day early

to watch me in my world

to see what i do without me knowing

and maybe on that day, when you are finally in front of me

in my world

I can be yours again...

the woman you called Mia...

So now... 

our love story ends...

and maybe it's not the end

but a new beginning

You will live in my heart...as I know I will live in yours

And maybe someday... I won't be the girl who got away

but the girl... who when it was time,

became yours...

Good-bye my sweet love...

My Miguel.... 

from your Mia... 

always!