THE WORDS MY HEART BLEEDS...

 

I believe you know when my heart is writing.
I believe you feel my words deep inside you when my words come from the heart.
The heart...
signifies love
it signifies life
In life, without love, who are we?
The blood runs though our veins
but when love fills us, there is a heat running through our bodies,
making us filled more with life.
When I'm in love.
When I'm broken because of love
I write.
Beautiful words, and words written between the lines,
and only those who know me or truly know the love I am feeling
know the meaning.
When I love,
I love with all my might
with all my being
with my soul
and yes, with all my heart.
There are no boundaries, there are no limits
and maybe only once in my life I have realized just how far I'd go
And when I write, there are no rules
I forget about sentence structure, and paragraphs
and punctuation
I write in riddles,
I write to the rhythm of my heart
I forget to capitalize and I add dot dot dot...
just like my heart goes on.
My writings could anger a scholar of words
or someone who believes to be superior to the things I write
But I can care less,
because I write what I want
and I write for those who can make sense of the beautiful words
that spill from my heart.
A hopeless romantic, romanticizing what could be horror stories to some
I wear my heart on my sleeve
to be critiqued by some and loved by more.
I honestly don't do it for anyone but me,
oh, of course for the one I love,
as it's why Forever... was written.
So I don't care if you love it or hate it.
It's mine.
And I choose what I want to share with the world.
And am so thankful for those who can read my words
and understand because just maybe, they too have loved so deeply.
So take it or leave it,
the words my heart bleeds
are just another love story
in the valleys of broken hearts, and happily ever afters.

Only One...

 

I've been thinking a lot lately. Analyzing myself, my life, and how I care so much, but then sometimes could care less. My thoughts about life, about dreams and goals, and how we sometimes won't do the things we want most, and sometimes nothing will stop us in whatever we want to do.

I was wondering if maybe, we have unfinished business with certain people. And even if they were in our lives just a short time, like a winter romance.... but remained in our hearts and thoughts for decades to come... Is it easier to keep someone in. your heart and thoughts, someone who never hurt you, who was kind to you, who made you smile and laugh and so much more, all positive in your heart and mind and never broke your heart? Is it easier to hold on to those people, because there is no negative to dwell on? 

This last week my heart has been heavy, and my mind consumed with thoughts, with memories, with anger toward myself. Anger, because I didn't do what I wanted to do. And if you know me, you know when I truly want to do something, there is nothing that will stop me. So, I question, did I really want what I wanted or did I think life would wait for me until I was ready, which i never was. And now that I am the most ready, I can't do what I wanted so bad to do, for so long. The music plays, and I can't be without it, as it comforts me, and consumes me with memories, and it's a good thing, because it's helped me remember so much. Places, times, words, and happy feelings. A glutton for punishment I call myself, although, I needed to awaken these memories, because I had forgotten so much about that time in my life. 

I'm realizing, that getting older is time passing. And time passing, without working on what we truly want, will only keep passing, leaving us with only disappointment of what was not done. People die and they're gone forever. And first Bob dying, and me feeling so bad for not calling him just to say hi, has really bothered me. Then Tippy dying, and now I'll never get to find him and smile with him. Tippy's death has really bothered me. i think it's the death that has bothered me most in a very very long time. I hadn't seen him for a lifetime, but knowing that I didn't reach out, when I could've, just really is bothering me. And, I've realized that I don't have any more illusions or dreams to find anyone else from the past. Maybe because most people I can find in a heartbeat, on social media or I have their phone number so there's not the fantasy or illusions romanticized of making it happen. 

And, it's like the wings of the last remnants of my youth have been clipped, making me feel empty in a sense. And now all that remains is the music. And yes, anger toward myself.

On Tuesday, talking to My Miguel was a usual day. Then Wednesday, he told me I was different that day and the day before. He wondered what was wrong. I didn't want to tell him anything, I felt it was silly. But, acting as I always do, not feeling like I was hiding something. I was the same old Mona. But he knew... And all I could think of was he knows me more than I thought he did. It was a little creepy... or maybe not creepy but it was very intimate, or deep or in a sense frightening to me that he knows me so well. And all that was communicated were written words, when he said it. Then when we saw each other, I especially tried not to show anything, because I didn't want to talk about it. 

I have a long letter written to him, to tell him everything, to tell him he knows me more than I ever believed, from so very far away. Because he's the one who knows, that nothing stops me when I want something. I think he's the only one who will understand, because he knows my heart like no other. So, I don't know why I don't want to tell him about this silly love song... And maybe, just maybe, he's an example of someone who never hurt me, someone who made me smile and only filled me with good memories, and who remained in my heart from 10 years before until I had to go find him again. And 12 years later, here we are... 2 locos sin sentido. 

Life... What I've realized this week, is we only have one life. And it goes by so fast. And if we don't do what we want so deeply, then something could happen, which will never allow us to accomplish the simplest of things. 

Someone told me a story. He said it was from the Bible. I later looked it up and it was different from how it was told to me. But, the way it was told to me, was how I needed to hear it, so that it would make sense to me based on how I think and who I am. It was God giving 10 coins to one man, 5 coins to another, 1 to another. The first man used his coins to invest and doubled his coins. The second man did the same doubling his coins to 10. and the 3rd man hid his coin. When God came back, the 1st man showed him his 20 coins and God told him to keep them. Then the second man showed his 10 coins and God also told him to keep them. The third man took his only coin from where he hid it and showed it to God. God took the coin from the man. And what was explained to me was God gives us talents for us to use, not to hide them and be greedy with them. And what I took from it was if we don't use our talents they are gone. If we are greedy, we will never have abundance. 

So, all these things going through my mind this week. Knowing if we don't do what we truly want, we may never be able to. And if we don't use our talents, they are lost and only visions of sugarplums dancing in our heads become never accomplished illusions. 

So... do we sometimes need bad things or sad things to wake us up? To hopefully awaken things that will fill our lives, with what we desire. And, of course to live... because we only have one.

And like my favorite lyrics of a song "we've got one life to live, one love to give, one chance to keep from falling. One heart to break, one soul to take us, not forsake us, only one." 

Only one....

A Sweet Winter Romance A Lifetime Ago

He had the sweetest sad eyes. he came into Wilson's Leather shop at Cinderella City, where I worked. He walked in with an entourage of about 8 girls. He was pretty popular back then. And oh so cute. I was 21, he was 19. He flirted and I was probably shy and embarrassed. Heck he was with all those pretty girls, and he was so cute, how was I supposed to act at 21?

On the weekend, we went to The Pub to dance, and I was dancing on the dance floor and I saw him near the entrance with his friends. I saw him watching me. I was with my friends and in those days wasn't very daring. Later on he made his way to me and we talked. I don't remember what we said, I just knew he was super cute and had swag... swag was not a word we used in those days... but he was cool and oh, so sweet.

We started seeing each other. He was in the South Side Steels, a gang of cool guys who lived near Ruby Hill. he lived on Navajo... on the corner is what I remember. He was fun, we went to south side parties, and danced the smurf on those raised dance floors, that looked like wood pallets and we cruised and listened to SOS band, Midnight Star, he liked Al Jarreau, and he was who got me into my first metal song. Foolin by Def Leppard. He took me to meet his parents, and his sisters, who were all so pretty. I don't think his mom liked me. But, she collected clowns, and they were beautiful and it's when I started collecting them. He was fun, and going out with him and his friends was a little wild, kind of reminded me of the Eastsiders in Springs. Hey, I always loved the bad boys. We dated for awhile, had fun. One of those kinda young love romps while the music is playing becoming the soundtrack of your memories.

Then one day he came to me and told me his ex was pregnant. It was the end of us. I was sad, but not heart broken. And I believe I wasn't heartbroken because I knew what he was doing was the right thing to do. And I respected him more for doing it, because I truly believed at that time of my life, there was no other choice. I never got in my mind, all the scenarios that could have played out if he hadn't gone back with her.

I saw him a couple times after that once when my car was getting fixed, he saw me at the station and stopped. I gave him my number. Back in the day, when you moved to a new place, your phone number usually changed. We didn't really have ways of keeping up with someone if they moved a lot. And that's what I did. He called me that night, but I was with the new guy I was seeing. He wanted me to leave, and go see him. I said I couldn't and told him why. I always regretted not leaving that night. The last time I saw him, I was on 26th and Sheridan, going east. It was a Sunday. I was at the stop light. And he was in a truck, passenger side, driving down that hill... He saw me, and instinctively reached out as to grab me, hanging his head and arms out of the window, then reaching back toward me as he got further away.. and I instinctively reached out, stretching my arm out the length of the windshield. I wished so much that I had been alone that day. But what would I have done... who knows.

Then I fell in love and got married, and A few years later I moved to San Luis, but always wanted to find him just to say hi. Back in those days it wasn't so easy to find someone. Then came Spain, and then MIami, and now back to Colorado, I used to think I'd have my cousin call him for an estimate and I'd be there when he'd show. But I never made time or had the nerve.

Yesterday, my cousin sent me a screenshot of a post that said another South Sider had died. It was him. I looked at his pictures, and how he aged, and how the sweetest sadness remained in his eyes. I loved his eyes, and how he looked at me. Only 2 men have ever looked at me like that, Tippy and My Miguel. I don't know if what I saw was sadness or was it desire... i'm still trying to figure that with My MIguel, who hypnotizes me when he looks at me. He treated me sweet, and I know he liked me like I liked him... a lot.

I won't forget him, heck i hadn't in all these years. I wrote the other day, that there are people who leave huge marks on our lives and in our hearts. And I believe those who brought music to me, and were a part of all those songs, made an even bigger impact on me, than any others. And some were only around for such a small amount of time in the grand scheme of things. And, he was one of the very few who did... he at one time was the sweetest love song, and now, there's no one else to look for. No more unfinished business or another hi or goodbye. I always said, he was the one who got away. The only one... The past is gone... May he rest in peace, and may he fly with the angels.