I've been thinking a lot lately. Analyzing myself, my life, and how I care so much, but then sometimes could care less. My thoughts about life, about dreams and goals, and how we sometimes won't do the things we want most, and sometimes nothing will stop us in whatever we want to do.
I was wondering if maybe, we have unfinished business with certain people. And even if they were in our lives just a short time, like a winter romance.... but remained in our hearts and thoughts for decades to come... Is it easier to keep someone in. your heart and thoughts, someone who never hurt you, who was kind to you, who made you smile and laugh and so much more, all positive in your heart and mind and never broke your heart? Is it easier to hold on to those people, because there is no negative to dwell on?
This last week my heart has been heavy, and my mind consumed with thoughts, with memories, with anger toward myself. Anger, because I didn't do what I wanted to do. And if you know me, you know when I truly want to do something, there is nothing that will stop me. So, I question, did I really want what I wanted or did I think life would wait for me until I was ready, which i never was. And now that I am the most ready, I can't do what I wanted so bad to do, for so long. The music plays, and I can't be without it, as it comforts me, and consumes me with memories, and it's a good thing, because it's helped me remember so much. Places, times, words, and happy feelings. A glutton for punishment I call myself, although, I needed to awaken these memories, because I had forgotten so much about that time in my life.
I'm realizing, that getting older is time passing. And time passing, without working on what we truly want, will only keep passing, leaving us with only disappointment of what was not done. People die and they're gone forever. And first Bob dying, and me feeling so bad for not calling him just to say hi, has really bothered me. Then Tippy dying, and now I'll never get to find him and smile with him. Tippy's death has really bothered me. i think it's the death that has bothered me most in a very very long time. I hadn't seen him for a lifetime, but knowing that I didn't reach out, when I could've, just really is bothering me. And, I've realized that I don't have any more illusions or dreams to find anyone else from the past. Maybe because most people I can find in a heartbeat, on social media or I have their phone number so there's not the fantasy or illusions romanticized of making it happen.
And, it's like the wings of the last remnants of my youth have been clipped, making me feel empty in a sense. And now all that remains is the music. And yes, anger toward myself.
On Tuesday, talking to My Miguel was a usual day. Then Wednesday, he told me I was different that day and the day before. He wondered what was wrong. I didn't want to tell him anything, I felt it was silly. But, acting as I always do, not feeling like I was hiding something. I was the same old Mona. But he knew... And all I could think of was he knows me more than I thought he did. It was a little creepy... or maybe not creepy but it was very intimate, or deep or in a sense frightening to me that he knows me so well. And all that was communicated were written words, when he said it. Then when we saw each other, I especially tried not to show anything, because I didn't want to talk about it.
I have a long letter written to him, to tell him everything, to tell him he knows me more than I ever believed, from so very far away. Because he's the one who knows, that nothing stops me when I want something. I think he's the only one who will understand, because he knows my heart like no other. So, I don't know why I don't want to tell him about this silly love song... And maybe, just maybe, he's an example of someone who never hurt me, someone who made me smile and only filled me with good memories, and who remained in my heart from 10 years before until I had to go find him again. And 12 years later, here we are... 2 locos sin sentido.
Life... What I've realized this week, is we only have one life. And it goes by so fast. And if we don't do what we want so deeply, then something could happen, which will never allow us to accomplish the simplest of things.
Someone told me a story. He said it was from the Bible. I later looked it up and it was different from how it was told to me. But, the way it was told to me, was how I needed to hear it, so that it would make sense to me based on how I think and who I am. It was God giving 10 coins to one man, 5 coins to another, 1 to another. The first man used his coins to invest and doubled his coins. The second man did the same doubling his coins to 10. and the 3rd man hid his coin. When God came back, the 1st man showed him his 20 coins and God told him to keep them. Then the second man showed his 10 coins and God also told him to keep them. The third man took his only coin from where he hid it and showed it to God. God took the coin from the man. And what was explained to me was God gives us talents for us to use, not to hide them and be greedy with them. And what I took from it was if we don't use our talents they are gone. If we are greedy, we will never have abundance.
So, all these things going through my mind this week. Knowing if we don't do what we truly want, we may never be able to. And if we don't use our talents, they are lost and only visions of sugarplums dancing in our heads become never accomplished illusions.
So... do we sometimes need bad things or sad things to wake us up? To hopefully awaken things that will fill our lives, with what we desire. And, of course to live... because we only have one.
And like my favorite lyrics of a song "we've got one life to live, one love to give, one chance to keep from falling. One heart to break, one soul to take us, not forsake us, only one."
Only one....
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