Have you ever felt like you're just living...following motions...because that's how it's supposed to be?
Have you felt, that you lost the reasons that made you feel alive....?
I did...
So I was desperately searching for a reason to dance...and sing ... even when i was feeling drenched from the rain, which was just a figment of my imagination due to the way i was feeling!
I didn't have to look far...because I remembered how it felt to feel alive...with no doubts. Alive...with an open heart. Alive...singing beautiful songs...even when i couldn't carry a tune or remember all the words.
I went to a drawer that I had of momentos...things I kept, that I could not...and would not ..ever throw away. I found a book. A book I had written....yeah, you can call it a diary. And in this book...was the secret to finding me, once again.
The book was written while I was on a trip... a trip I took to meet someone I fell in love with...and who I knew loved me.
The trip was wonderful..all my dreams had become reality. But because of things in both our lives, we couldn't be together.
The years had passed....I knew that he was still around, because he never left. I had pushed him away for many reasons, but I needed him again. I needed to find the me he had helped me become so long ago. My life had changed, My body had changed, I didn't feel like the same person he loved back then. So first step was to become the person I knew I could be, the person he loved.
I found him...and it was like all the years had fallen through a funnel...all the feelings and emotions came rushing back. I think it happened because we both were needing each other for what ever silly reasons they may have been, or because our lives were lacking what we once provided each other...the things that tied us together and never let us move on...those things are what brought us together again.
Months have passed, and some days depending on my mood...I'm happy, others are sad.
I realize though, that in both of us...we make each other feel alive. He often reminds me that we are getting older...but I too, so often remind him, that we have to keep our hearts and minds young...the years will come and go...the wrinkles will paint our faces...the muscles in our bodies will turn soft... but if we run and play, we will always laugh...we will never allow ourselves to wither...we will never die.
What he sees in my eyes...that come from my heart is a spark, the spark that lights a fire between us...what I see in his eyes...is a reason to laugh and play...to cry and sing...to write beautiful love stories. What we see in each other is something neither of us has ever found in anyone else and I believe that we are each other's addiction. As he says it, from the moment he saw me he was bewitched...and as I say, from the moment I fell in love with him, I have never been the same.
When he looks at me, I feel like the most beautiful woman in the world...in his presence I feel I can dance and be myself...without anyone judging me. And he too, feels the most manly man, the most desirable when he looks into my eyes and feels my heart and soul. He often asks me how I can give all my heart so easily to him. It's simple, it's because its so easy...because of who he is, and all that he has given me and in a way, he's filled my heart..and I have no other choice than making it his... It's funny, but...in a way, it's my fairy tale.
Yes, most of the time, we see only the beauty in our relationship. Although there are times, that the hideous outweighs everything else. That is when we go away, we push each other away, and try to run from all that we desire... I, so many times, try to find the road that takes me far from the love of my life. The thing is...neither he nor I can go very far. And when we realize we can't go far, we run to each other for all that we love. The sparks in our eyes...the laughter, the silliness, the stories, the love...the passion, .....yes, all that attract us to each other...is hard to let go of and in a way, we become kids again.
I pray for someone equal or better to walk into my life...and rescue me from all the feelings...that fill me. I know that is the only way I will go away. The only way I will be free and the only way I will set him free. But there's a part of me...that is not sure, if I could ever be free from something so beautiful. And that is the part of me that finds it unfathomable to let go. i believe he feels the same way, as he also, can not let me go. We've tried, numerous times...but the ties that bind us are stronger than every strength we have.
I hope that everyone has experienced this type of feeling. I don't know if I'm in love...but I know I love him...for all the wonderful things he makes me feel. From so very far away...
The other day, my sister in law sent me a link to a very deep love poem, song type thing. But what she said was this was for her hopeless romantic friends (me and her other friend). Initially I was like "what...hopeless romantic? me?" I DON'T THINK SO!
Honestly, i always thought hopeless romantic was something negative...someone that couldn't find love. Well...i googled it... and hopeless romantic is this:
A person in love with love. They believe in fairy tales and love. All hopeless romantics are idealists, the sentimental dreamers, the imaginative and the fanciful when you get to know them. They often live with rose colored glasses on. They make love look like an art form with all the romantic things they do for their special someone.
Wow....when i found that...it was the definition of me! Mona...
Then i began to wonder...could it be the Sagittarius in me... so I googled Sagittarius...and I had to tell him.
He's also Sagittarius... and we are very much a like. Although he may be just a bit more reserved than I am, maybe a lot more until we're together... I think its the kid in me that he loves...but it's also the kid in him that I love. I feel that we have a rope between us...kinda like tug a war..he pulls one way, by using words and gestures that make me fight, that make me crazy ...then i use words or expressions that bring him running... indifference...its what makes us wild. We have never been mad...until I did something a couple weeks ago...and felt i lost him...but i knew that i would never lose him...i knew he could never go away for long. It was funny, it was as if nothing happened. Yeah, we are forgiving..and we forget...there's nothing else to do. Did i say we were alike?
When researching Sagittarius traits... i found something that told our story. Its in spanish, but i will translate the best I can..
Las mujeres de Jupiter son idealistas incurables. Y te dire un secreto que tal vez la tuya no te haya confiado nunca: se enamoro de ti hace muchos años, cuando era pequenita y pedia a la luna nueva que le enviara a alguien para compartir la sinceridad de su corazon. Hubo montones de veces en que le parecio que te habia encontrado, pero se desilusiono. Pero cuando por fin llegaste, te reconocio al instante, porque eras un apacible payaso con algunos sueños propios, que la tomo de la mano y le mostro el camino que conduce a las estrellas.
Jupiter women are incurable idealists. And I'll tell you a secret that yours might not have ever confided in you: she fell in love many years ago, when she was little and called on the new moon to send her someone to share the sincerity of his heart. There were lots of times when she thought she had found you, but was disappointed. But when you finally arrived, she immediately recognized you, because you were a gentle clown with dreams of your own, and you took her by the hand and showed her the path to the stars.
This was sooooo deep to me. I immediately had to send it to him. It was, in just a short paragraph...in so few words...telling the story of a lifetime.... my lifetime. And a lifetime of a man and woman...who stumbled across each other...through time...and space...and with no deliberate intention....they fell in love...filling each other's lives in ways they had never imagined.
Yes, for the most part...all the stories I've written...have come from him. I thank him all the time for painting my world in color...because if it hadn't been for him...i wouldn't have written all I have...all the finished and unfinished love stories. And believe it or not...they are not about me and him...they come from our creativity...our happiness...our sadness... Each and every day...I am thankful to have been blessed by someone so special...someone who believes I am so very special...and who has helped me realize my value in this world.... I make him smile...he makes me smile.... He makes me cry....I make him cry.... And in his words..."you are the best women I have ever met in my life"....although that part he says in spanish :). And, even though I've never told him, because I have to keep some secrets...He truly is the best man I have ever met, someone I consider my soul mate.
Yes, bits and pieces of me are living in a fairy tale...bits and pieces of me are living a horror story....I live more in the fairy tale paving the way to my happily ever after...not relying too much on others' views of how my life or life in general should be lived...but leaning on an illusion so great, which has brought to my life...hope...hope that my dreams will all come true...as i step graciously or stumble one foot at a time...toward my happiness!
Hey...they say once in a lifetime... I say why not twice in a lifetime! And so it will be...
