Ok.....
So... I'm always preaching.. BE YOUR BEST...DO YOUR BEST...ALWAYS.
So, a couple days ago, my brother-in-law called me and said, lets go to New York. Come on.. so in about 1/2 hour i decided to go, found tickets paid for them, and I was going to New York to meet them for the Super Bowl weekend.
So, next, i start thinking, of all the things I should have been thinking about before I made the decision, mainly work, and a few things Anthony also had to take care of and a couple things I had been procrastinating about regarding my car.
I started thinking about the money I would be spending... and yes I can afford it. But, I still worried, because one of my main goals this year is to pay off my bills. So.... That stressed me.
Then after I finished working for the day, I went to my closet. I pulled out the cute wool pea coat I bought to go to Spain in October, which I didn't wear because it wasn't cold enough.
I put it on, it sure looked cute.... with a sundress under. Then, I started to think of the cold. OMG, I'm not used to the cold, even though I grew up in cold Colorado winters. What on earth was I going to wear? I've been in Miami almost 10 years... and didn't have anything "cute" to wear in the cold. Yeah, I emphasize cute, because as I told one of my friends. Since I moved to Miami I've become vain... or maybe it wasn't since I moved to Miami, I think it's been since I lost those 30 pounds a couple years ago..... that I refuse to wear anything "not cute". I won't walk out of the house unless I feel cute and put together.
But.... another thing. Since October that I got back from Spain, I gained 12 pounds. YUP...12 pounds on my not so tall body is a lot of weight. Especially for where my weight usually goes. I'm an apple! lol Anyway.... so i'm thinking, all those cute sweaters I bought last year are going to make me look like a rolly polly.
Our self talk is so horrible huh... if anyone told me this I'd be so sad. But, it's how I feel. And yes, i am constantly trying to fight my thoughts... a negative comes in and i try to knock it out with a positive thought.
But.... 12 pounds was my current reality. And, all that cute clothes that i bought over the last year and 1/2 for all my trips to Spain, and my outings in Miami.... were not looking so cute anymore.
So.... this was a big hindrance on me going. Then, I started to think and started to search. I found a pretty coat in the closet, one of the cold weather things I kept. I bought it a few years ago, when I was 30 pounds heavier... and put it on, and it looked like it floated because it was big, but then I thought, ok, so i'll layer, I won't be cold. I was told that the cold is almost unbearable there.
Ughhhh...... I could only think of how I felt last year when I went to Spain and the nights were cold. I didn't want to go outside at night. Because it's not getting in the car and driving to your destination and walking inside and being warm...it's walking and walking and walking and it's what I imagined about New York....walking.
Hey, which I love...i love to be outside at night and during the day and seeing new things. I love walking! It's what i loved most about Spain, but i remember how the cold kept me inside.
Then i thought, Ok, so we'll buy new clothes and boots. Then I thought, why? We'll never wear them again, till maybe next Christmas when we got to Colorado.... and I know I will be in Spain next December, i might wear them. But if you know me... it takes me awhile to find something I really like that I'd wear in Spain. Yeah, i'm extremely picky, everything has to be perfect wardrobe wise. And that comes with, not everything I find and like, fits my body type so it takes awhile for me to find things I really like and would spend money on. Back in the day, I bought to buy...now I buy selectively.
Did I say I'm a hard head... did I say I'm an overthinker.... My Miguel says i'm a hard head (cabezona) that when I make up my mind nothing can stop me... And Anthony says I over think everything.... it's my nature, I analyze, I have to have things perfect..... and they may not be what other people consider perfect.... but perfect to me. So that I'm not stressing.
Then the work thing..... yes, I could take my computer. Haul that heavy thing around. Plus be stuffed in big clothes. Omg... hauling all that, as i imagined the heat with coats and boots and socks. Which I never wear. My cousin said...gee you act like a child that grew up in the jungle with no clothes. I laughed and said, that's how I am in Miami..... Skirts and tops and shoes... i very rarely wear socks or nylons and sometimes jeans and tennis shoes are too restrictive. I was like that in Colorado too....could never wear heavy or tight shoes.
So... long story short, I spent an entire day, stressed out. Wondering about work, how would I handle things. I didn't want to be the one to put a kink in the flow because I had to work. And yes, I went to Spain, took 2 computers, one for work and one for my personal stuff. But I had a plan, I knew my routine after the first time. It was easy to do all alone...
I don't want to think it's something that is wrong with me for wanting to be in control of situations... I want to think I am spontaneous....which I am...when I get a wild hair... i'm gone! But, maybe that's when spontaneity is within my comfort zone or within my wildest dreams. I guess I choose to think I'm spontaneous for what I've done for all my trips concerning Spain.... i decided and I was gone.... Yes, with days before I left to plan everything out, and have everything in order....so I wouldn't stress. I hate stress, it paralyzes me...it's heavy on my shoulders and my brain.
So...back to long story short.... I had till 11:59 yesterday to cancel my tickets on Travelocity where I purchased them. Which is a wonderful feature... i will only use travelocity in the future for that reason alone. I think when you buy tickets directly through the airline company, there are restrictions and penalties if you cancel, and can lose the entire fare you paid... I think, not certain. But, Travelocity won me over just on that.
So, I kept asking Anthony, what should we do? And he said Mom, stop thinking so much. Then he said, he really wanted to go to his friend's memorial service. And said he really wasn't feeling it. So I decided at that moment, and I cancelled our tickets.
It's amazing how free and at ease I felt once I did it... I was at peace.
My cousin asked me before I did it, "will you regret it, if you don't go?" I said, yes, when I see my family's pics on facebook.... but, I think I'll regret it more later even though i'll have good memories. That's just me.
Back to the preacher..... I'm always preaching "be your best" ...... because I know...when I'm not my best, because of the person I am, I miss out on good things.
My friend told me the other day, to be a life coach, inspirational speaker... a person has to be your best, physically, emotionally and spiritually..... I think I am the best i've ever been emotionally and spiritually, with room to grow always.... but physically I've let myself slide.
I remember when I was 30 lbs heavier, because of my self perception....... i stayed enclosed in a house and only left when I had to.... and because i worked at home, it was easy to stay inside. I didn't allow myself the freedom of life and the world...because I was not happy with me.
Right now... I'm honestly not happy with me because I've gained the weight... but I have to do something about it.... or I'll stop venturing out..... and because I work at home, I'll be converted to the me that I called.... "the woman who was dead for 7 years"
That was the most horrible time in my life.... because I was not happy with me.
So yes.... this weight was a big thing in going to New York... overweight for me lead to my clothes not fitting me... therefore having to spend money on clothes I wasn't going to wear again...because this weight is coming off and because i live in Miami....
So in the end....... when I preach "be your best" I honestly mean it.... because I know...that not being your best can lead you to miss out on life.
I'm happy with my decision, because I honestly didn't have my mind on straight regarding work and Anthony's obligations... I did it without thinking.. and I need to have control of my decisions... Even going to Spain, my biggest wildest adventures.... they're all planned out with room to slide.
But, when i really think about it...If i would have been my best at that moment, half of the stress related issues would have been gone. Yeah..... not being our best just brings stress to our lives...
I've realized that when I am not feeling my best, I am not as friendly, I go in to stores, etc, do what i need to do and get out. When I'm feeling good, I talk to everyone, I smile... I'm happy. And I attract people. And it makes me happy.
So now... what am I going to do to be my best... all those things I wrote in December, to bring me to my best.
Like most people say.....life is short..... like I say..... Life is too long when you're unhappy!
So go out... be happy...be your best... so that you never have your reason, for not being your best, be the hindrance between a yes and a no........
Life......it comes and goes.... Be happy with your decisions.. And don't have regrets. Like I can't regret not going. I'll see them next time.
Now to find peace in my decision..... Hey, did I say I was an "overthinker" :)
