So this trip to Spain, is because it brings me peace... my heart is so happy when I'm there. And I was so desperate to run away. Because of what's going on in my life. I needed the comfort I only get there.
And, it's also about vanity. Maybe vanity is a strong word...but we all have a belief in who we are and what makes us feel our best. I've been really worried about my hair. My hair is me. In so many ways, throughout my life i used it to cover the acne scars that I had. It was my shield for many years. Then.... I met My Miguel...and my hair became something I was so proud of. I had never touched my hair so much as I did after I met him. I remember he loved when I flipped my hair or used it to cover my eyes when i was crying because i missed him or when i'd cover my eyes with it, when i had something silly to say or i was up to something, so he couldn't read my eyes that he knows so well...silly things like that...
And, it's also about vanity. Maybe vanity is a strong word...but we all have a belief in who we are and what makes us feel our best. I've been really worried about my hair. My hair is me. In so many ways, throughout my life i used it to cover the acne scars that I had. It was my shield for many years. Then.... I met My Miguel...and my hair became something I was so proud of. I had never touched my hair so much as I did after I met him. I remember he loved when I flipped my hair or used it to cover my eyes when i was crying because i missed him or when i'd cover my eyes with it, when i had something silly to say or i was up to something, so he couldn't read my eyes that he knows so well...silly things like that...
You know... I always had to be pretty for him. It's something I chose. Or decided I had to be. I remember on my first trip to Ibiza. 12 1/2 years ago... he made me feel like the most beautiful woman on earth. Even, when my straightener burnt out and i had to run around the island the remainder of time i was there with curls. Which were so pretty, but you know, we choose a style and it's what we sometimes feel more comfortable with.
Then, I had to always look cute... in my cute dresses or a cute top when I'd talk to him online. When i started going to Murcia, everything I bought was for him to see me in. A couple of trips back, one day i was wearing something cute, and when he arrived, I remember, he said "te veo muy guapa" (you look very pretty) and of course i said thank you. Then i twirled around and said, do you like my dress... he said yes... it was very pretty... Then I said, I bought it for you to see me in because I always have to be pretty for you...and he said "but you're always pretty." I smiled that smile he knows so well...
Then, I reminded him of one time many years ago, one day he was being jealous...in his calm way... and he laughed and said... I'm going to buy you pretty dresses only for me that you wear at home, but when you go out, you have to wear the ugly ones. it was funny, we laughed. But i never forgot those words. And in a way..... from then on, so many of the things I bought were because i knew he would see me in them.
Then, I reminded him of one time many years ago, one day he was being jealous...in his calm way... and he laughed and said... I'm going to buy you pretty dresses only for me that you wear at home, but when you go out, you have to wear the ugly ones. it was funny, we laughed. But i never forgot those words. And in a way..... from then on, so many of the things I bought were because i knew he would see me in them.
Some may judge my words in a negative way. But, what I did because of the love i felt for him, my mission involving him was to always make him smile. I had to be the silver lining always. And in doing that...... it helped me be more. I became less shy, and not that i really have been, but maybe i became more open, and more adventurous. So, i don't think it was because i needed him to reassure me... I just did it because I loved him.
My friend Wi said the other day... I have never known anyone that loved someone so much. I laughed. And it kinda made me embarassed, but then it actually gave me strength. and even though we are different planets practically lol.... what ties us has never been broken. Yesterday he talked for almost 45 minutes straight... and i listened. And he's like a roller coaster sometimes. Yesterday, he was a roller coater of emotions. He was everywhere. He was the strong man he converts to when he talks of what is right, then he became the gentle soul that only wants to make me happy and do anything in his power to be the person I need, and moreso now. But, at the end, he is always the man i fell in love with. And he like me, so many times talks in circles, we say things to be strong, our words become our shields to hide our weaknesses for each other, and sometimes we have to read between the lines, although we are very straight forward with each other. We could never be angry with each other. And he is one person who i've never raised my voice to... and he treats me gently...
It's funny...the other day I went to see 50 Shades of Grey... i hadn't read the books because i was not interested in the kinkiness that so many reviews wrote about. But when i watched it. They reminded me of us. And not in the kinkiness...but in how he had to be in control. But because of what he felt for her, she broke him...or maybe fixed him. My Miguel always has been the one in control. I let it be that way. I was ok with it. Hey, i was happy and when i'm happy all the specifics have no meaning. I really don't care about anything else but my happiness. Selfish maybe...but no, it's why any of us do what ever we do to feel some type of pleasure for something we did...hey, unless its a responsibility, when we do things...we do it for the feeling of being happy. So, in the movie, he gave in to her. She was strong, yet weakened by her love for him, but never lost her true strength and self respect. And it's how we are...he's strong, he wants to be in control...but he is weakened by me. He has always said I am superior to his strengths... and in the beginning it is him who chooses, but because of who I am and what I mean to him, he always gives in and I get what I want... Always...
It's funny...the other day I went to see 50 Shades of Grey... i hadn't read the books because i was not interested in the kinkiness that so many reviews wrote about. But when i watched it. They reminded me of us. And not in the kinkiness...but in how he had to be in control. But because of what he felt for her, she broke him...or maybe fixed him. My Miguel always has been the one in control. I let it be that way. I was ok with it. Hey, i was happy and when i'm happy all the specifics have no meaning. I really don't care about anything else but my happiness. Selfish maybe...but no, it's why any of us do what ever we do to feel some type of pleasure for something we did...hey, unless its a responsibility, when we do things...we do it for the feeling of being happy. So, in the movie, he gave in to her. She was strong, yet weakened by her love for him, but never lost her true strength and self respect. And it's how we are...he's strong, he wants to be in control...but he is weakened by me. He has always said I am superior to his strengths... and in the beginning it is him who chooses, but because of who I am and what I mean to him, he always gives in and I get what I want... Always...
Like i've said so many times.... I was one lucky girl the day he walked into my life. April 1, 2002 is when the wonderment of my life truly began, when my life opened up... when my heart opened up... when i found meaning in so much more than i had known my entire life before that day. Thank God.... and like I said, I'm one lucky girl!
I can't wait to go there so he could touch my hair... and so i can look into those ojos tan magos (magic eyes). Hey... life is full of surprises... we have to make the best of everything... Because everything happens for a reason... And the reason must be
...... to make us stronger and happier... and more complete!
...... to make us stronger and happier... and more complete!
<3 <3 <3 <3 Spain........and My Miguel.....here i come... again. And the last day I'm there, we'll set a date in a year to meet. Ahh, but remember I am going back for 1 or 2 months at the end of the year like I've been planning for the last 4 years....to write another book! Yeah!!! :)
Silly me.... And as I sang to Anthony the other day in the dr's office.... "ooh ooh child, things are gonna get easier, things will get brighter... Hey it's what I always sang to him when he was in my stomach! And things always got better. And they'll keep getting better...because things ALWAYS work out for me...
And did I tell you my book FOREVER... will be published on April 1, 2015 - 13 years from when it all started. I can't wait.
maybe I should have called this one...Mona's heart and brain...sometimes twisted! ... hmmm ....but I laughed as i wrote that ...
hey, the best medicine is laughter.
Now to watch Leave it to Beaver and edit...
Happy Travels....
