Little Mo with the Gimpy Leg...

When I was in Spain in September, i hurt my leg, and it bothered me for months, couldn't dance or it would kill me...could only walk normally on the treadmill no bouncing whatsoever... I would wake up every night with this pain in my leg. Limped a lot, then before I left, I was stooping down and then standing up many times one day putting things in my suitcase on the floor. The next day the pain was unbearable. That was the day i had to go downtown to exchange dollars for euros. Getting in and out of the car was almost impossible. I was crying because it hurt so bad. I was walking like a sloth telling Anthony he had to get used to the for when i'm 90 years old, saying ow ow ow, ay ay ay all the way. Then i wondered how on earth I was going to get to Spain, there was no way i could cancel this trip, as this day, My Miguel's 50th birthday would never come again... so i had to go.

I had 2 suitcases, a computer bag and a purse I always take. one suitcase sent directly, the other onboard with me and the other two bags. I walked slowly, trying not to look limpy. (in fact Anthony took a video of me to send to his cousins, labeling it LITTLE MO WITH THE GIMPLY LEG (Home Alone) ..... anyway, i got there, slowly, i walked slowly.... i had to think of every step i took and made sure not to be too close to people in case they would push against me. I realized how our legs work, and you catch yourself with your prominent leg and when you are not using it correctly, the rest of your leg is working differently to pick up the slack. So my toes hurt, my hip hurt, my calf muscle and thigh muscle worked overtime etc etc. I walked like this the first day...slowly, couldn't even do what i needed before the big day.

Then the big day came.   His 50th birthday.   I put on the pretty dress i bought for the occasion......and heels....pretty black suede shoes with ankle straps and a low heel, like I absolutely love.... and when he arrived, I was so pretty....but i couldn't walk and just stood there after I came out of the surprise I had rigged for him. I limped toward him laughing, embarrassed because of my darn leg. He laughed.....and I then sat down, then he took one shoe off at a time, yeah...just like in the movies, as he looked deeply into my eyes... He was amazed by me and all I had done...for his day 

Then the next day, I wanted to look cute so I put on a cute dress, with my stockings with holes and designs and boots, so pretty, black suede and a heel... So, I walked like a turtle, slowly, to the place I have breakfast every morning and where I see him. but, it killed me getting back to the hotel. I wished I had taken flats.

Sunday went to his marathon and on Saturday had purchased a low pair of suede boots with a low heel that had a cute gold zipper on the back, low boots good for leggings and jeans, tucked in. cute cute... but I needed something with no heel and cute for the marathon. you know me. And I had no idea where i'd be walking and how far.

Each day it got better, then on Monday I went to the castle in Lorca with Joaquin and Yolanda........and there were stairs....omg, yes steep stairs, and many. Oh...and then the winded narrow staircase. I did ok, because I learned to place my foot, differently, and of couse everything was calculated to alleviate the pain. But I did it. There were a few times I over did it trying to hurry so I asked Joaquin to go in front so i could take my sweet time...

Then, something magical happened. On Tuesday I woke up and realized I had slept so good, I had not woken up to pain. It had stopped hurting. Magically!! I told My Miguel... and he said it was because I hadn't been thinking about it. Oh, but I had... because each step i took as I walked the streets of Murcia were thinking which foot had to go first, especially if there was a curb, or even a downward walkway which you'd think would be easier than a curb, it wasn't. The steps, i took slowly, thinking which foot had to go first...so heck yes, I was thinking about it. And even when I was with him, had to think of how i'd sit or move my leg.

So, Wednesday morning I woke up again realizing I had a night of wonderful sleep. this was the day before I left. I could sit on my knees, cross my legs, dance and walk with life in me. Just like I always have done.

I'm home now... no pain, sitting here on my chair legs crossed indianstyle... like i've always done, which i couldn't do since september. But...what this causes me to think is this...... is it all healed because I was saying all along that i hurt it in Spain and had to return to Spain for it to be healed? ... or was it becasue I was there, and at peace, and like he said, really not thinking about it unless I had to walk. Because when I was with him, it was the furthest thing from my mind unless i pulled a quick move...then there was a reminder, but nothing like Miami, nothing to cry about. Hmmm........ i'm going to say that it was because I said I said I had to return for it to heal... Oh, and that's not the only thing that was healed while I was there.....i just realized this morning my ear ache, is no longer and hasn't been around since before I left. Weird.

Our thoughts are so strong, they make us healthy or sick. They make us happy or sad. This to me is just another realization of that. I think I used my leg for other issues, and it didn't get better, till my mind got better..... yeah, kinda weird. But...it's how I put it all into perspective. Then faith comes in, if we truly believe, we can be healed.

If you are sick, really dig deep and think of a place you know you have to go to to be healed... and do everything in your power to get there. You'll be healed... just believe.

All of Me....Loves...All of you...

There are things in life we want to hold onto with all our might... something so precious...we never want to let go.  But if we hold on too tightly, it can lose the life it has inside.   We were born free, and a portion of us needs to be free.   So i'm opening up my heart...and my arms, once again.....and i am going to fly, as I let him, continue on his path...taking care of all that matters to him most...

One day, long ago.... as his little boy played on the floor, he told me, that he knew that he was the reason he wasn't with me.  And when he looked into that little boy's eyes...he knew he could never leave.    I loved him even more because of that...  Because in my life, I knew that the little boy in my life, was who I lived for....and I also knew that the little boy in my life, wasn't precious enough to his father, to be there and teach him right from wrong...   I told him many times, that he is a good man, and it's why I have always  loved him and will always love him.  I have to reassure him, that he is good, even during the moments, he says he is not...because of us.   

I woke up last night... singing, "All of Me Loves All of You"....... my head rested on my arm.....and he was there.... no, not his body....but his smell...... and at that moment, I was so happy i had worn the sleeveless dress....because i had him again,,, i couldn't push my face into my arm deep enough.  I was pushing my face into my arm to try to envelop myself in all i had left of him, and by doing this,  i found the remnants of him, in the scent on my arms, which took me back to the moments spent in his arms....all i knew is i never wanted to wash him from me... not ever...

I said I wouldn't cry when I left..... I said I was going to be strong, because I knew I would be back,some day.... but as I sit here now....at home...and thousands of miles away....all I know is all of me loves all of him.... and I cry, because it's all I have at this moment.  My tears...to cleanse me..... in a weird way.....    And now again, I have to figure out how to go on......... Gluttons for punishment, we are..... but even after all the pain is felt...... what remains are the moments of pleasure, of peace, of laughter, and those silent stares, that tell it all....  

Now i'll unpack, and look at all the things I brought back...things I took, to be so pretty for his eyes only.... little treasures filled with memories..... all the little things i took, his glasses with a big 50 on them for his birthday... the Minnie and Mickey ears..... the Rudolph the Rednose Reindeer glowing noses, our party hats..... the vampire teeth......the deflated blue and black balloons that once held the air that i breathed for him... cuz that's me......all of me....... giving to him, reasons to laugh, reasons to smile.....  reasons to live in both our memories and hearts always... 

One moment, we were sitting up on our specific chairs we always sit in...yes, I always have the same room #529.....He got a call from a co-worder and was explaining what needed to be done... on those magical things they construct,   So I listened, then got that burst of energy I get, my eyes sparkle, i look up to the right, and my mouth turns up...with a smile... and his eyes look to me like......now what?  as he smiles... and the expression of anticipation is formed on his beautiful face...

i stood up, and my dress was funny, black and white (yes, the one in the pictures), tight on top but flared out on bottom.  I had told him it opened up like the dolls on top of cakes, perfectly round around the doll's body.  I stood up on the bed...cuz i'm crazy like that...... and i twirled..... like the little ballerinas  in the music boxes..... Silly me.    But things I do like this, just to laugh and smile with him.... I turn into a child....which brings the child in him out...   I do it because I want all of his memories of me to be beautiful

.... it's like i've always had this mission to accomplish giving him happy memories and only good ones of me.   Truly,  saving him a thousand times, has been my salvation, like my song Heroe (in spanish)  says.

I couldn't twirl very well, barefooted on the bedsheets........so as i stretched my arms upward and turned slowly as I looked up.....all there was, was ceiling..... I wanted there to be sky and run and play with him... I wanted to run away and just be under the stars with him....So I said, come, hurry hurry.............and i laid on the bed... he's looking at me with anticipation, yet with caution as I knew the thought that was going through his head, "what is she going to do now?" but he smiled.... and i said, "lay down....and look up"....i took his hand, as he obeyed me and laid silently on the bed beside me and I said "look at the stars"....... and he laughed, he's kinda shy...but, then he found the stars...the creases in the ceiling was the milky way....and he found the clouds in the shadows and that white smoke detector was our full moon....   we laid there silently after our silliness...... then i sat up, at his side..... touched his beautiful hair, and watched him look at me, and he watched me look at him.... i can't describe our stares, but we mirror each other... and yes..... i see my beauty in him, and he sees his own reflected in me.

I told him one day, that one of the greatest things, which may be for our egos, is knowing the affect we have on someone.   I know how I affect him, and he knows how he affects me.   And no, we can't resist whatever it is we can't go away from.   Special is who we are...good people are who we are....imperfect, yet so perfect, in this imperfect...perfect life of ours.   

After our silliness and the silent stares, the pain on our faces reemerged under our sky of stars, moon and clouds created by us...... and i couldn't hold back.   I cried... as i turned my face from him hiding myself behind my hair, so he wouldn't see my distorted face as I cried, cries that came from so deep inside my gut... i sobbed, a cry i couldn't control, that shook my body as i tried to control it... he pushed my hair aside, as he so often does, because it seems to always find its way to my face... he dried my tears, and its when i saw his eyes filled with tears as he squinted, trying to hide his weakness as well....I looked at that beautiful face...of the man who I will forever love...

The miles for me...the kilometers for him......are what make this craziness ok, because when we're together...... there is so much pain.... in knowing, it can't be right now.

I told him......I'll be in Miami waiting...for the day you come to find me and make me yours....    But, he knows I was always his.... I gave my heart to him.... and my heart is my soul.    

On my second trip there 2 years ago, i met someone who said, that love is risking everything that is important to us to be with someone.

That had never been my definition of love.......but now it's the only definition I have for the love that he and I share.   

I had listened to the song I woke up singing.... before I got there, but as i came into Murcia the first day it began to play on the radio and it was how i've felt for so many years..... because i've given all of me to him..... yes, and that's why he calls me Mia.... 

As I drove into town I listened to these words and it was like the song had been written for a love that we shared...

You're my downfall, you're my muse

My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can't stop singing, 

it's ringing, in my head for you.

My head's under water

But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

'Cause all of me Loves all of you

You're my end and my beginning

Even when I lose I'm winning

'Cause I give you all of me

And you give me all of you, 

(lyrics...All of Me, John Legend)

And, yes.... Even when I lose, I am winning...

and in this relationship we have both won....

I told him, you've taught me so much,  and he said you taught me more...and he 
laughed about things we learned together, our intimacies...and our silliness...

but he said, the best things i've learned from you are life lessons, valuable lessons... i didn't ask what they were, as I now wish I had...

but I guess I don't need to ask...because I know the life lessons I learned from him, and because of those things I am more whole than i ever was before him.

He told me..... me das todo (you give me everything)... you come alone from Miami to be here... all by yourself... me quieres mucho y yo tambien te quiero mucho (you love me so much and i love you) ...... and you impress me so much with all that you do and all you are... eres una maquina... siempre lo sabia.  

The lesson... hmmm...not sure.

follow your heart...

let it lead you to the beauty the world has waiting for you go with an open mind, an open heart...and let it lead you to the most beautiful... and if it's meant to remain in your life, then you protect it, if it's not, keep the best of what you experienced, and let it make your life richer...fuller.... 

Love... like there is no tomorrow.... Give to those you love, like there is no tomorrow... because when tomorrow comes, you want to know that all did you did and all you gave was worth every ounce of your being, of the money you spent, of the love you felt, of the moments you shared....... of you.

And that's how I feel today...

it was all so worth it....

and I know, even though we said this is the end..

it will never end...
not in forever...
because we are #forever
#mia #mio

And yes.... I came back more in love...than ever before...

Be the magic that you seek, and you will find
something so magical... you'll know the fairy tale kind of love exists..

In him I found magic... and I become magical...
in every sense of the word...

(time to get to work, so I can be all that I'm meant to be
and all that I need to be to ready myself for all the 
best that is yet to come)

WHO ARE WE?????

I just read a blog about a woman, who found love letters to her husband, that she had written many years before.   They reminded her of who she once was and who she had become.  And it also set her in motion to bring that person back, who she had lost, which in turn made her happy and her relationship better.

I did the same thing about 4 years ago, during a time when I felt like a dead woman and had for the 7 years prior to that day.

I found deep down, in a drawer the journal I kept on my trip to Ibiza.   I read it.   Then I began to read all our love letters, which I had saved.   I'm a bit nostalgic and keep everything that means something to me.   lol

As I read them, it gave me this energy, the words filled me with the emotions that once were the best things I had ever felt in my life.

I needed to find that again.   I needed to be that girl that he had fallen in love with, because I too was in love with me.  During the years I say I was a dead woman, I had really let myself go.  I had gained 30 pounds.  I was working at home, and there would be days I wouldn't put my make up on or even straighten my hair after showering.

I was unhappy.... so unhappy.

I usually would not let the man who brought all the love and adventure to my life see me when he'd look for me.  He lived in Spain, of course, me in Miami.   I lied saying it wasn't me on the computer when he'd write to me, just so he wouldn't ask to see me.

What it was, is I couldn't let him see the person I had become.  Unhappy, overweight, and now I was wearing reading glasses.  That meant getting "older" right?
So... that happened before I found the book I had written in...of our love, our adventures, our sadness, our happiness.... us!

Well... one day I had enough of him looking for me.   I said...ok...here goes!   See me the way I am now.   So you can stop chasing me.  Yeah me... ready to scare him away, I opened the camera, uncombed, no make up, and wearing reading glasses.

I was like... see me, see me...see me how I am today.  I am no longer the woman you fell in love with.  Now you can go away, stop desperately wanting to see me....I'm not who I used to be... so just stop.

What happened you ask?  ...... he was happy.   His happy self to finally see me.   But to realize what I did that day...tells me this... I was so unhappy with myself that I was willing to lose...or better yet, push away the thing that really brought me the most happiness in my life.

So, when I found the book and it reminded me of the time I was my best...my happiest, I knew I needed to find me again.  I knew that I only had one life... and what was I doing, wasting it away feeling sorry for myself....being angry... and oh, so sad.

So I made this promise to myself...that I was going to go see him again.  That I was going to be the girl that made him crazy, the girl he loved seeing serious and silly.   and I started....by losing weight... by going out...by buying cute things to wear.... by finding in me the fire that had so long ago died.

The exercise changed my life...it gave me confidence because I began losing weight.   I became happy with myself.   Then I started reading, all those positive books that helped me with my thinking.... which in turn resulted in my actions being changed.

It was like I was reborn.   I became me again.   And he remained the same...crazy for me.   Which gave me that added push.   I was determined...determined to be the very best I could possibly be, so the next time I had the opportunity to walk toward him.....i would be perfect.

And, that day 10 years later... I walked into that cafeteria, where he leaned against the bar with the glass of juice in his hand.   He saw me through the mirror, turned and he smiled.   I approached him in a polkadot, frilly, short skirt, that tight black top with the low neckline that hugged my body and accentuated my biggest assets lol... the one I had worn 10 years before when I was with him.  Those heels with ankle straps that made my tanned, muscular legs look maaarvelous...    And I strutted, as I tilted my head, because of the slight embarrassment I had because of the men who turned to watch me walk.    The song "A Thousand Years" played in my brain as I approached the man I had dreamed of for so long...   and what did he do......he kissed me......stared into my eyes, with that look I never forgot, that playful smile appeared on his face, and he took me by the hand, and we escaped...... just like in the movies.

Yeah...just like in the movies....we escaped!!!!

Many moments have passed since them, some happy...some sad...  But that's our story.  Melancholy Happy Us.

What I realize is this...and i know that after reading that book, it changed my life and brought me back.

Today, I again, need to be reborn, because I've let myself go physically again.   And... if I want to write the next chapter of this story... I must be my best.  Or I will lose out on the best.

So many things have changed in the last 4  years... I am the most successful I have ever been, I have finished my book, I am in the process of publishing it....   I still work at home...but each and every day I get up, shower, put my make up on, straighten my hair... and dress in something cute, even if not a single person sees me... I feel my best!

I made a list.... and found something that is almost everything on that list... so now... what?   What????    Do I dare ask that question......... haha...... Now the only thing is to be even better than I was before.   Because inside I am better than before... and what's inside shines through..... and will take me higher in the next chapter...which will be just like the movies...... with happy endings...

So, my advice to you is this... go out... or stay home... find something that reminds you of how you "used" to be, if you're not very happy with the you, today.   and, think of how you laughed, how you shined... and take a step to be what you were......only a better version, because what you've learned over the years is only going to make you better.

Don't let the you, you've become stop you from life.   Live again.   So, that means, each and every day...pick up a self help/inspirational book, find an inspirational video on youtube, listen to it in the morning...wake up and know that today is going to be the best one this year...and go to bed knowing the day you lived was the best...but tomorrow will be even better.  Give thanks for all you have... replay all the good in your mind... rid yourself of those old dumb negative stories that you can't change...they're dead and gone.  Today is a new day...so shine...... and keep shining...   And 6 months down the road... please tell me how it affected your life... because i know I will only hear happy positive stories...if you do what I tell you.

Ok...now back to my title and questions... Who Are We?   .... that's only up to us to define.   Who we were is not who we are today... but, if who we are today is someone we are not happy with, then we have to look to the past, and see what made us who we were when we were most happy.   Today, we need to reinvent ourselves....because we'll never be who we once were, we're wiser and have had experiences we should have learned from... So like I said, we have to reinvent ourselves...revive that dead person in you, bring back the spark, and be today, a part of the best you in the past, with the best you today...and the result will be amazing.    And the process will be so much fun.... I promise!!!

I'm going to make a promise too... today I will do something for me...something to improve my health.

Be your best.....and the best will be waiting there for you.  And this I know and believe with all my heart and soul...

And did I tell you......Murcia in December........ and later I will tell you all that will happen.   This trip should be very interesting...  

Smile...be your best... because the best is yet to come....

ohhhh........and find that child in you... and let that kid come out to play!!!!   And Dammit....just dance!   or take a bubble bath  lol.......

Crazy Mona is probably what came out of your mouth when you saw that picture below... yup yup yup.... crazy...happy me.... even when everything is less than perfect!!!!  Because dammit... I have to be!!!

<3 <3 <3 <3

A NEW REALIZATION.... OR.... WAS IT SOMETHING I ALREADY KNEW?

I just realized something...   my creative mind, always thinking of beautiful love stories... happy endings even after all the challenges life places before us.

I was watching The Ghost and Mrs. Muir, one of my favorites.  Because I can identify with the characters.   She falls in love with a ghost, who helps her write a book, she forever loves him, and in the end they are together.   And like me, I fell in love with someone who is like a ghost, who because of him and the love I wrote my first book, about a forever love....and with him, we dream of someday being together... and we both know that one day that will be.

In the movie, the Ghost Captain tells Mrs Muir, "I'm here, because you believe I'm here...keep believing"   then the phone rang...the familiar ring, that I love to hear... it was a surprise, and i realized it was because of something I did, that I hadn't done in a long time.

When I was so happy, when everything was beautiful "in our eyes" I was so happy, doing all I could do to fly.... and because I had made a decision to be different... things were now different.    So many times in life, we do things, to satisfy others, or our conscience, but in all reality.....it is only killing the best part that lives within us.  

After our talk, laughing, reminiscing, and hearing the happiness that I cause him to have... I realized... if the me he loves goes away, he also goes away.   I think I have to stay alive... in my thoughts, in my actions...and do whatever the heck makes me the happiest... because in that happiness, i am who I want to be... i'm not shielding from the world, what I at times want to fix.   But, for now, I can't fix anything, I can only continue... and use whatever it is, to make me happy.... and the happy me, will attract whatever is meant to be.   I once said, that I used him, to be better...   as i wrote that I wonder, why I am not strong enough to just be better alone...   who knows.... but, in using him... and not in a negative way.... but to be greater than I feel, alone.......

The other day I read in Paulo Coelho's new book Adultery...    i read "to love forever, is to live forever".... and since my book is about a forever love... It hit me like a brick... and i realized that in any relationship, that it's just that simple.... if we love forever, we live forever...yeah....if we forever keep that fire of love that we create together alive....we will always love each other... and not with the "have to" kind of love... or because of a commitment...but we love like there is no tomorrow...because every tomorrow will be filled with love....

So... I again realized today....that I'm who he fell in love with, the childlike me, the creative me... the happy me...the determined me...the successful me...the fighter me....the I'd do anything in this world because I love you me.... Just me.... And i can't stop being the me he fell in love with or a part of us will die.... once again he's awoken the sleeping beauty in me.... and made me realize how to be happy....   and like I always tell him... "everything happens for a reason"   "todo pasa por algo"     <3 <3 <3 <3

They say, if you think of something every day, never let it go.    Again today I realize what I have to do.... and that's be my best.... and use (in a positive sense) all that cause me to be my best, that give me that boost.... to be better, then again, nothing will be impossible.

It's what we all have to do.  Find something that makes us fly.   And in flying, we will arrive where we're meant to be.  I realize also I can't wait, for just one thing.  I have to be open minded and allow what is meant to be for me, come to me.  So many times we close ourselves to things because we're so hard headed and only want one thing.   But when we close our minds, it keeps good things from arriving.   So.... we have to make a decision...  What is it we want?  going broad...open minded, we have to make that decision... then use the thing that makes us fly to be better...especially if we can't do it alone...until we are strong enough to do just that or until we land at a place where we are satisfied and happy.      Everything will be ok... Everything is already ok...

Time to work...and accomplish all my dreams...

Fly high...and happy travels!  <3 <3 <3 <3

Waiting...

The other day I read something by Paolo Coehlo,   "Waiting.  That is the first lesson I learned about love."   But, that's not what stuck in my head.  I read the words written, but my heart read " the greatest thing for love you can do.... is wait."

People wait for love all the time.

It made me think of people whos loved ones are in the military and they wait for them to return home.  It made me think of people who have loved ones in prison and wait till they are home.    There are so many times we wait for people we love.

I waited once for someone I loved, who was in prison, and I was faithful.  Then I know others, who couldn't wait a week.   I guess this holds true not only for prisoners, but for people in the military.   Some will wait...others won't.

What I wonder is whether it's the persona's personality that makes them move on, or is it because the love really isn't very deep.

What I truly believe is if you really love someone, you'll wait.   If you don't love them, then you shouldn't waste your time.    But, at the end of the day, it comes down to being upfront and admitting it and not leading someone on.

Wow.... waiting.   I't what i've done for so much of my life.

With my first husband, I waited...for change...for him to return from prison.   I waited... and in the first 4 years of my son's life... we only were with my ex 11 months out of 48.   But I loved him...   I guess I'm the type of person...when i love, I don't need anyone else.   I am content, with life...pushing toward my goals, taking care of what needs to be taken care of....content.   Hmm...

The other day my son's girlfriend asked me about My Miguel... and said, you need to move on, why are you waiting.... it made me think.  Was I waiting... or what exactly was I doing?


On April 1, 2002.... i met the man, who has been the man of my dreams...and to this point has been the love of my life.

In the beginning, when we fell in love..... it was beautiful, until reality wouldn't let us be together.   He's a good man, and it's why I still love him today.   I couldn't love him, if he were any other way.  

I wrote earlier, that we justify our actions...  and just maybe I have justified, what we have by saying he is a good man.   But he is...although many would not understand this... many could.

I haven't waited for him for 12 years.... after the first year I ran away and got married, thinking that I could find the love i felt in someone else.   But that was a mistake, although in a mistake, I found where I was meant to be, Miami.

But, over the last 3 or 4 years that I found him again, not that he was ever lost, but when I realized what I had left behind or tried to leave behind, i allowed him back in my life...... And, yes, in a sense, I have waited.   And no, not for him, but for life to happen.

hmmm.... i got me thinking....then of course analyzing me....

How could I wait... why would I want to be alone...why am i wasting my life for someone who is not here...   But then I realized.... I have changed, yet I've remained the same.   Changed in the sense, that I don't need anyone to occupy space around me, I don't need a man to support me financially or for company, or for anything.   I only need a man that loves me, and who I love, with every ounce of my being.   I only found that once... and in all the craziness, I know he loves me......and I continue loving him.  And I won't settle....just for company or all the other things, some may think they need, when they're lonely.

I also said... I've also remained the same... in that I don't need more than one man to make me feel whole, or desired, or satisfied, or needed...  I'm not searching for validation  from any man...

I think to myself, that maybe waiting all those years for my ex-husband to get out of prison and be home... that it taught me how to wait.  It may have been what prepared me for the life i'm living now.

Life....it's funny.... we are always chasing something... like chasing a butterfly that escapes just as you are about to capture it...    But, no, I am not chasing anything in this sense... Because I know I've captured something, I never knew possible.   Call me crazy......and yeah, the crazy in love kind of crazy is what I am.

I told him yesterday on our 12th year anniversary :)   that still after 12 years he has me crazy.   I had read that if a man can't make you crazy, then he shouldn't be in your life... not in those exact words, in something much more graphic and intimate words...yet I could relate.    Is this what keeps us chasing after each other?  I don't know... but yet I know... what you can't have, is sometimes worth chasing, if you can capture it just for a moment, it lives on in your thoughts and in your heart, forever.

The life I lead is so simple... I'm so very blessed...and so i'll continue doing what needs to be done.   I truly believe what is meant to happen, will happen.   If I'm meant to be with him, I will be..... if not, someone will cross my path and knock me to my senses.... and only then, do I think I could go on without him..... Hey it takes one to forget the other....... that only works if the next one is better... I know that from experience..... so..... lets see what happens.    And in the end... the truth will be told...

(p.s.  it's funny, the two photos i put up are just that...waiting...for him to arrive... the top one hanging out the hotel window. and the bottom one, waiting at the cafeteria, I was definitely happy)

Following My Heart...

Following my heart...I never went wrong.

A few weeks ago, I was talking to my son's father.   I told him the two times in my life that I made decisions with not thinking very much, they were the best things in my life and totally changed my life.

He said, ah, when you married me was one of them?  I said no, but now you've made me realize there were three.  Since, I married him only after knowing him 4 months.   I told him that if I had not married him, I would have never had my son because I wouldn't have lasted that long.  lol

Anyway... the other two things that changed my life were the time i got on that plane.  My very first time on a plane, headed to Spain, to meet a stranger I met on the internet.   A stranger that turned into the love of my life...the man of my dreams.   The man who changed my world not in only how i looked at the world,  but how i felt about myself and totally changed my likes and dislikes when it came to men I was so used to dating.  This trip changed my entire life to this day.   It is what I give most thanks for.  Not only for him, for what i learned from him, but what i learned about the world.   I no longer fear to venture out... although I'm still a chicken at times.  

The 2nd was moving to Miami.  Yeah, i got married and moved here.  But moving here was the 3rd best thing I ever did.  The marriage was a stepping stone I guess.  There's not  very much to write about, due to lack of inspiration for those 7 years.   Even now, to look back, there's nothing.   Blank, boring, nothing.   But, it brought me here, and I am so happy to be in Miami.  And honestly the only thing I took with me are the few recipes i learned during that time.

I read today, my friend on facebook is making a decision and my friend spoke about making the best decision for the children.

I commented follow your heart, you'll never regret it.

Then i started to think because of another comment.  something like do what's best for the kids.

Then i really started to think and analyze myself and all I had done when it came to my son.

Wow...

Me looking in. At each and every choice I made, I would have thought I was crazy.  And my honest advise to myself would have been, you are crazy, why on earth would you do it.

Heck, I look back and really can't believe I did what I did all 3 times...

1.... to get married after 4 months, knowing everything I did.

2.   going to Spain to meet a stranger.... never had flown before, never had been on a trip so far from home, and I was alone.

3.   coming to Miami, uprooting my son, who was 10 at the time.  Coming somewhere where we really didn't even know the man I was marrying.   He could have been a horrible person, and we had no one here.  No one to run to.  No security...like I had at home.

When my son was young, I raised him alone.   My life revolved around him and work.   I worked and went straight home to him.  I had no friends except at work and my family, although i knew everyone in town.    Then one day, I thought to myself... one day, he is going to get big and you're going to be all alone, if you continue to only work and dedicate my life to only him.

So, i started hanging out.   Maybe where I shouldn't have been hanging out, but it was the only thing in that small town.   Then I stopped.   I say it was my mid-life crisis time. Because one day i woke up and knew that if I continued to do what i was doing, then my son would think that was normal and I would grow to be an old woman sad and full of regrets if he lived the life I was leading at the moment.   So I stopped. Just like that... I stopped.

I remember when my son was small... I never wanted to leave him with bad memories of me.  I remember hearing about someone who had a few kids and would take different men to her place all the time.  When I heard the story, I wondered about those poor kids listening to what could be going on in the room next to theirs.   I promised myself I would never bring men to my house and let my son know different guys, just because I wanted or needed company.

So I never did it.   Even when I got married, I always worried about my son.   Funny huh...but i had to protect him always.

I guess what sense I'm making of all of this is: I took care of my son as best I could.  Maybe I wasn't the perfect mother, working hours and hours and hours, but I always knew he was with someone that loved him, whether it was my mom or my sister.

Later on because of my choice of profession I was able to be home for him.  

I have no regrets today.   Maybe when I made my choices, of going to Spain and coming to Miami, they were not in his best interest.   Heck, I could have gone to Spain and met a  serial killer and my son would have been alone without me.  Or I could have come to Miami and horrible things happen.   I guess I'm lucky, and I know that when I followed my heart...although I do question whether it was my heart I was following or was it running away from something so strong that my heart felt, when I came to Miami....they were the best things I ever did.

I won't say jump when you have the opportunity.... but if you hold back for everyone else...then maybe you'll regret it always.   Because I have no doubt that everyone that reads this has a good head on their shoulders...

Again...when i think of what I did, i still shake my head in disbelief.   Yeah, brave, crazy, call it what you'd like.   But, if I hadn't done this, I can only imagine who and where we'd be today.  And even thinking of who I was before, i am a million times happier with who I am today.   And, in thinking of my son and all that has happened over the last years... i know he wouldn't be the man he is today.

So go for it.... do things that will open your world.   Think and analyze and get to know people before you make a commitment.   I was lucky in my 2nd marriage that he wasn't a weirdo or a mean person.   But some aren't so lucky.     So think...then do.   But don't stop because everyone else thinks its the right thing.

There's a whole world out there.......waiting for you!   Have fun while you're finding your way to happiness... and don't forget that all those moments of happiness on your way are what sum up a life of happy!

I am....

The Preacher Who Did Not Follow Her Preaching.....Part 2

ok, i said i was going to find peace in my decision....

finding peace to me, reverts back to analyzing me.... and the why's.

I'm always looking for reason... whether it's why I was meant to meet someone...to why I do what I do.....

Ok...and of course I don't analyze everything...but bigger things I do... And bigger... means my perception of whatever is going on.

I tell my son... i think i have a "natural stoner brain"  only because I remember wayyyy back in the day, how I was affected by smoking pot.   I over analyzed everything, everyone,  if I said this, i wondered why, and took it apart...if someone said something, i wondered why and analyzed why why why.... It's funny, but every time I got high with someone i liked, I usually stopped dating them after the high.  Now you know why i won't touch the stuff.

What this whole incidence takes me back to....is the thing I believe and know with all my heart....

OUR THOUGHTS ARE WHAT MAKE US....

and yes... our thoughts are what also limit us.


That's the only thing we are in control of....everything else... happens the way it's supposed to happen.

But... if I didn't "think" or "perceive" my current reality as negative...then everything would be ok....

and if I keep "thinking" or "perceiving" my current reality as wonderful....then it'll always be wonderful.

Wow...sounds so simple huh.   Thing is....it is!

We are free...

free to choose..... are we going to be happy.... are we going to be sad.

Are we going to find happiness in today in our current reality...or wait to find happiness when we "think" that happiness will be based on an event or occurrence...

Our minds never stop...heck i know mine doesn't.  sometimes i think i have 3 minds going on at once... the creative one...the realistic one... the positive...and the negative....ohhhh that's 4 minds...ufff!  Oh well i like that number... for me it's positive... so i'll fly with it.

There i go..... analyzing...creating a positive point.  I could have said...oh shit, 4 levels, i think i'm going crazy...i must be schizophrenic because all those voices are just different levels of me that i can't shut up

In the end..... it's how we think today..... will bring results tomorrow.   Whether positive or negative... our tomorrows will be based on our thoughts of today.

Some people may not believe it... but proof is what provided belief for me.  Maybe because I can analyze myself without blinders...may be because i can admit to my failures and accomplishments... and take credit for what i did or didn't do.   I think that's the first step.

hmmm....so how do i end this.

I'll end this by saying.... and knowing that my thoughts of who I am...what I can be.... are what push me and what freeze me.     And the only way to expand our thoughts, is working, one day at a time...heck one minute at a time...one thought at a time.... to being our best.   I truly truly truly believe.......that my thoughts are what make me.....what have made me who I am today.

And that goes for the negative, as well as the positive thoughts.

Ok..... on to reading and listening to something to expand my mind in a positive way!!!! What are you doing today?


Hey...if I want to be free...it's up to me.

The Preacher Who Failed to Follow Her Preaching...

Ok.....

So... I'm always preaching.. BE YOUR BEST...DO YOUR BEST...ALWAYS.

So, a couple days ago, my brother-in-law called me and said, lets go to New York.  Come on.. so in about 1/2 hour i decided to go, found tickets paid for them, and I was going to New York to meet them for the Super Bowl weekend.

So, next, i start thinking, of all the things I should have been thinking about before I made the decision, mainly work, and a few things Anthony also had to take care of and a couple things I had been procrastinating about regarding my car.

I started thinking about the money I would be spending... and yes I can afford it.   But, I still worried, because one of my main goals this year is to pay off my bills.   So....  That stressed me.

Then after I finished working for the day, I went to my closet.    I pulled out the cute wool pea coat I bought to go to Spain in October, which I didn't wear because it wasn't cold enough.

I put it on, it sure looked cute.... with a sundress under.    Then, I started to think of the cold.  OMG, I'm not used to the cold, even though I grew up in cold Colorado winters.    What on earth was I going to wear?   I've been in Miami almost 10 years... and didn't have anything "cute" to wear in the cold.   Yeah, I emphasize cute, because as I told one of my friends.   Since I moved to Miami I've become vain... or maybe it wasn't since I moved to Miami, I think it's been since I lost those 30 pounds a couple years ago..... that I refuse to wear anything "not cute".  I won't walk out of the house unless I feel cute and put together.  

But.... another thing.   Since October that I got back from Spain, I gained 12 pounds.  YUP...12 pounds on my not so tall body is a lot of weight.   Especially for where my weight usually goes.   I'm an apple!   lol   Anyway.... so i'm thinking, all those cute sweaters I bought last year are going to make me look like a rolly polly.

Our self talk is so horrible huh... if anyone told me this I'd be so sad.    But, it's how I feel.   And yes, i am constantly trying to fight my thoughts... a negative comes in and i try to knock it out with a positive thought.  

But.... 12 pounds was my current reality.   And, all that cute clothes that i bought over the last year and 1/2 for all my trips to Spain, and my outings in Miami.... were not looking so cute anymore.

So.... this was a big hindrance on me going.    Then, I started to think and started to search.   I found a pretty coat in the closet, one of the cold weather things I kept.  I bought it a few years ago, when I was 30 pounds heavier... and put it on, and it looked like it floated because it was big, but then I thought, ok, so i'll layer, I won't be cold.   I was told that the cold is almost unbearable there.

Ughhhh...... I could only think of how I felt last year when I went to Spain and the nights were cold.  I didn't want to go outside at night.  Because it's not getting in the car and driving to your destination and walking inside and being warm...it's walking and walking and walking and it's what I imagined about New York....walking.

Hey, which I love...i love to be outside at night and during the day and seeing new things.  I love walking!    It's what i loved most about Spain, but i remember how the cold kept me inside.

Then i thought, Ok, so we'll buy new clothes and boots.    Then I thought, why?    We'll never wear them again, till maybe next Christmas when we got to Colorado.... and I know I will be in Spain next December, i might wear them.   But if you know me... it takes me awhile to find something I really like that I'd wear in Spain.  Yeah, i'm extremely picky, everything has to be perfect wardrobe wise.  And that comes with, not everything I  find and like, fits my body type so it takes awhile for me to find things I really like and would spend money on.   Back in the day, I bought to buy...now I buy selectively.

Did I say I'm a hard head... did I say I'm an overthinker....   My Miguel says i'm a hard head (cabezona) that when I make up my mind nothing can stop me...  And Anthony says I over think everything.... it's my nature, I analyze, I have to have things perfect..... and they may not be what other people consider perfect.... but perfect to me.   So that I'm not stressing.

Then the work thing..... yes, I could take my computer.   Haul that heavy thing around.   Plus be stuffed in big clothes.  Omg... hauling all that, as i imagined the heat with coats and boots and socks.   Which I never wear.   My cousin said...gee you act like a child that grew up in the jungle with no clothes.   I laughed and said, that's how I am in Miami..... Skirts and tops and shoes... i very rarely wear socks or nylons and sometimes jeans and tennis shoes are too restrictive.   I was like that in Colorado too....could never wear heavy or tight shoes.

So... long story short, I spent an entire day, stressed out.  Wondering about work, how would I handle things.     I didn't want to be the one to put a kink in the flow because I had to work.    And yes, I went to Spain, took 2 computers, one for work and one for my personal stuff.   But I had a plan, I knew my routine after the first time.   It was easy to do all alone...

I don't want to think it's something that is wrong with me for wanting to be in control of situations... I want to think I am spontaneous....which I am...when I get a wild hair...  i'm gone!    But, maybe that's when spontaneity is within my comfort zone or within my wildest dreams.    I guess I choose to think I'm spontaneous for what I've done for all my trips concerning Spain.... i decided and I was gone....    Yes, with days before I left to plan everything out, and have everything in order....so I wouldn't stress.   I hate stress, it paralyzes me...it's heavy on my shoulders and my brain.

So...back to long story short.... I had till 11:59 yesterday to cancel my tickets on Travelocity where I purchased them.    Which is a wonderful feature... i will only use travelocity in the future for that reason alone.  I think when you buy tickets directly through the airline company, there are restrictions and penalties if you cancel, and can lose the entire fare you paid... I think, not certain.  But, Travelocity won me over just on that.

So, I kept asking Anthony, what should we do?  And he said Mom, stop thinking so much.   Then he said, he really wanted to go to his friend's memorial service.   And said he really wasn't feeling it.   So I decided at that moment, and I cancelled our tickets.

It's amazing how free and at ease I felt once I did it... I was at peace.

My cousin asked me before I did it, "will you regret it, if  you don't go?"  I said, yes, when I see my family's pics on facebook.... but, I think I'll regret it more later even though i'll have good memories.   That's just me.

Back to the preacher..... I'm always preaching  "be your best"   ...... because I know...when I'm not my best, because of the person I am, I miss out on good things.

My friend told me the other day, to be a life coach, inspirational speaker... a person has to be your best, physically, emotionally and spiritually.....  I think I am the best i've ever been emotionally and spiritually, with room to grow always.... but physically I've let myself slide.

I remember when I was 30 lbs heavier, because of my self perception....... i stayed enclosed in a house and only left when I had to.... and because i worked at home, it was easy to stay inside.   I didn't allow myself the freedom of life and the world...because I was not happy with me.

Right now... I'm honestly not happy with me because I've gained the weight... but I have to do something about it.... or I'll stop venturing out..... and because I work at home, I'll be converted to the me that I called.... "the woman who was dead for 7 years"

That was the most horrible time in my life.... because I was not happy with me.

So yes.... this weight was a big thing in going to New York...  overweight for me lead to my clothes not fitting me... therefore having to spend money on clothes I wasn't going to wear again...because this weight is coming off and because i live in Miami....

So in the end....... when I preach "be your best"  I honestly mean it.... because I know...that not being your best can lead you to miss out on life.  

I'm happy with my decision, because I honestly didn't have my mind on straight regarding work and Anthony's obligations... I did it without thinking.. and I need to have control of my decisions... Even going to Spain, my biggest wildest adventures.... they're all planned out with room to slide.  

But, when i really think about it...If i would have been my best at that moment, half of the stress related issues would have been gone.    Yeah..... not being our best just brings stress to our lives...

I've realized that when I am not feeling my best, I am not as friendly, I go in to stores, etc, do what i need to do and get out.   When I'm feeling good, I talk to everyone, I smile... I'm happy.   And I attract people.   And it makes me happy.

So now... what am I going to do to be my best...    all those things I wrote in December, to bring me to my best.

Like most people say.....life is short..... like I say..... Life is too long when you're unhappy!

So go out... be happy...be your best... so that you never have your reason, for not being  your best, be the hindrance between a yes and a no........

Life......it comes and goes....   Be happy with your decisions..  And don't have regrets.   Like I can't regret not going.   I'll see them next time.

Now to find peace in my decision.....   Hey, did I say I was an "overthinker"   :)