LIVING A FAIRY TALE...

I wrote to him the other day, that I'm like a little girl who believes in fairy tales.    

I am.   

Today, a friend of mine told me about something I wrote on facebook, of a sad love I have not only written about, but have lived.   She said it was beautiful but only in fairy tales in her world.   She said all she ever wanted was someone to walk down the street holding her hand.

It made me think.   All we all are searching for is love...for acceptance... for someone to make us smile, for someone to help us fly. 

It's what I've done.... I think I've always been the one searching desperately.   And when I finally found someone that made me feel all that I was searching for.... i could never let go.   

What I always said, to my friends, was he gave me something no one else had.  Even though he was thousands of miles away, he made me feel more than I had ever felt before.   I told this to one of my best friends and she said to me....something that made me think.   She said, it is not him...... it is you.   You have allowed him to bring this out of you.  You already are that person.... you've only allowed him to bring it out.    

I told him this... he looked at me with that sweet sadness in his eyes...   I think he knew it all along...and that is why he never could let me go.  We bring out the best in each other... yeah...that's it.

Anyway...enough about him.

On to what I thought about when my friend wrote what she wrote....

It really  made me think.   I thought of what she had told me about her life And at the end all I could think about was my life.   

My life has been no fairy tale...especially when it came to men (IN THE PAST).   I put in the past in caps, because i refuse to let it be the norm for the rest of my life.      

So...anyway...I kept thinking of my life.   

Be right back...going for my cup of coffee, I can smell it... in my new black cafetera (coffee pot) i bought in Spain. ...I'm smiling.

I'm back...and boy is this coffee good.  I added a little whipped cream and nutmeg, like my mom used to make Mexican Coffee.   Did you already have yours?

Ok.... so i'm thinking... and I realize that we are all living fairy tales.

I referred to Cinderella... Cinderella, cooked and cleaned and wore rags...and at night she slept in the ashes.   But, while Cinderella cooked and cleaned...she sang and danced with her friends the mice.    She made her difficult moments happy moments.

Then.... she believed...she had faith... and someone appeared to change her life... Yeah a fairy godmother with a wand...who gave her a beautiful dress, glass slippers, a carriage and made her friends, the mice, into coachmen.   

She ventured out.... with the help of all these things given to her by her fairy godmother... and she stepped cautiously into the ballroom.   And low and behold...there he was....her prince charming.....    And no it doesn't end there..... she fell in love in his arms as they danced and all the world disappeared around them.   But because of her "life and the limitations set on her by someone else/her fairy godmother and her "real life" she had to return to what she knew.    

He had lost her... she felt she was nothing without the dress and shoes... and she conformed again to her life.   

But because of the love they felt those moments in the ballroom..... he set out to find her....and through hills and valleys, and through all the women, he found her.   The one he could never forget.   

And....they lived happily ever after... 

hmmm.....

So... in writing this..... in thinking about it....my mind goes many directions.   

The first direction is this...

Life sometimes is not easy... there are things handed to us that we have no control over.   One being death.   But the rest...we can control.   We can control the way we think, we can control the people we associate with, we can control our actions...Its us!   Yeah, maybe easier said than done....but if you believe that you can control this, then that's the first step.    

It's how we look at life...it's how we see the world.   If we see it as hard, it will be hard.  If we see it as hard "for a moment," then its easier to go on.  Look at Cinderella... in all her sadness and hard times... she found moments to dance and sing and laugh with her friends.   Every hard moment doesnt have to be an entirely hard minute...hey 60 seconds equals a minute...30 of them could be smiling, after the first 30 were crying.   Hey i do it all the time.  lol   Because i've trained my mind...to switch.... to know when i'm sad, i need to be happy and get over it.

In the end...its up to us to find the beauty in life...the happy moments...in all the twisted sad or difficult uncontrollable moments.   In the end...its up to us to control our lives.   

Another direction my mind took as i wrote about Cinderella is this.... One person can change our entire lives....for the better, it can also go the opposite way, but i won't talk about that, because i don't want to have  you thinking negatively.      

When I was in Spain.... got home, sat with Anthony for a long while and talked about what we did while I was there and he was here.   He told me of a man who he met one night while out with his friends...a man who at first seemed threatening to them, but later turned out to be someone that made him think.  A man who at 19 bought his first gas station... he talked to Anthony and his friends about their lives and what they were doing. and encouraged them to "get a life".

As Anthony talked, my mind was thinking that one person can change our entire lives...i found my one person in Spain...he changed my entire life...in a sense he gave me wings. I am lucky, that I let my heart lead me...and I followed my heart when I met him, because everything I've done since then, has been a result of meeting him.   He didn't give me direction, but he gave me air....to fly.  One person, one trip, gave me courage to venture out...and its why i'm where I am today and why I am the person I am today... ok ok, i may have had it in me all along..but I allowed my feelings for him and the person he is to push me to limits i never knew.     Wow...how great it is to love so much, that you want to be your best...do your best...give your best.    There is nothing better... I don't think....and honestly... a big part of me is dependent on that... sad but true...but oh well...i'm trying to create something else...you know me.   Always trying to find sense... and reason and make sense and reason of what i do.  

So if its a person that changes your life... or a pretty new dress...or that pair of shoes you've been dying to buy... let them.  But don't let them for the moment...keep letting them, never let go of that feeling... keep reliving it...and life will always be happy.

So.... last thing i was thinking about is this...   in the end Prince Charming set out to find Cinderella...because he knew he loved her.      Since I got back from Spain I wrote something.... because of a decision I made and have stuck with for a week, which is a long time for me...but just the beginning. lol,  anyway.... i wrote "True Love Never Dies"     And what was funny, one day of depressive like actions, sitting on the couch watching tv , which i never do, I was sad, and with a broken soul... i saw.... the new Dracula movie commercial and at the end it said..... "True Love Never Dies".    

It blew my mind... because I have that book to publish, you know ....the one i'm always talking about.   Well, it's about a vampire...it's about eternal love... happy...sad...and a broken soul kind of love.    So.... in my mind i'm thinking "it's a sign"  I love signs... :)  My Miguel says I look for things to associate them to good things.... he's right.....but then again he knows all the weird things that have happened to us...because of us.   

So what this sign told me...becaue of what i'm going through now... is i have to finish my labor of love...and get that book, my labor of love....published.  You know like in the movie the Notebook, when Noah sees Ellie in the restaurant with her new boyfriend... it says "   

After seeing Allie that day, something inside Noah snapped. He got the notion into his head that if he restored the old house where they had come that night, Allie would find a way to come back to him. Some called it a labor of love. Others called it something else. But in fact, Noah had gone a little mad.

And..i think a part of me has snapped and I am a little mad...lol.    Hey..... if what we love pushes us to be better to create, to dance and sing.....then why not.  

So...like my life...my brain is always wandering...creating...and that's why i talk about different things in this blog...i'm constantly analyzing...creating...and dreaming, as I listen to someone talk...and no..its not because i'm not paying attention, but its me seeing deeper than most may.  

So no...my life hasn't been a fairy tale... i've had my ups and downs with men and without men... with myself.... and all alone.    But at the  of the day....I'm ok.  I've learned to be ok.   And I know... that on my journey... good things will pop up everywhere.   But that is only if I'm my best...I'll find the best.   You know they say.... "be the person you want to find"

So go out...write your fairy tale..... and may you live happily ever after.  I am.... and I will.   See you at the end of the rainbow with our pots of gold!    And never ever stop believing...dreaming...and knowing, like there is no tomorrow.....that your happily ever after is here and now! 

  

Today....

It's been awhile...

since I sat down to write a blog.    No...its not that i don't have anything to say...it's i've been a little busy...... :)   The good kind of busy...of course!

I was reading an old blog of mine...from about 6 months ago.   I read it, and even though the words were so familiar, and I recalled the feeling I had that day when i let the words pour from me were not what i was feeling today.  And it definitely wasn't anything I had felt for months.

I realized something back in November...when I got back from Spain.   I was listening to a song.   A song that I loved and listened to daily before I went to Spain....its a song of letting someone go.   It's in Spanish, called Adios Dulcinea by Mago de Oz...it's an amazing song.  The lyrics touched my heart and meant so much to me just a few short weeks before that.  

What I realized that day was the words that made so much sense to me ...the words that told the story of me, and letting go...no longer had the same meaning.  

A lot has happened since my last blog.   The biggest and best thing was going to Spain.   I went there to relive all I had lived on my previous trip.

It was different, of course.  I was not with the man, who I call my Miguel, who introduced me to the island of Ibiza.  I was with my son.    I tried to find all the places my Miguel had taken me.   I wanted to eat the same food, drink the same drinks, see the same sights that had changed my life.   And most of all I wanted my son to see all that I had seen.

He loved it.   I loved it.   I had fun driving in Spain, we laughed a lot at the mistakes I made.    The food we ate was good, and the sights were beautiful.   From the beaches and the coves to the old part to the port, were amazing.

Our second leg of the trip was to the town where my Miguel lives.   I loved every part of it.  It was historic and modern, surrounded by mountains.   I felt I was home.   I hadn't in many many years felt so comfortable somewhere.   I didn't worry, I was happy.   I can't say if the happiness came from the town itself or if it came from being close to my Miguel, something i had longed for, for so many years.

I wondered why i hadn't come sooner.   I wondered why I had stayed so long in a marriage that had no meaning whatsoever.   Today, i think of the empty person I was married to, and i amaze myself that i stayed.   Oh well, i guess everything happens for a reason.

Since my visit to Spain, i haven't had a moment of wanting to let go of what Miguel and I have.   Our relationship has become fuller.   Its strange, but I feel like i know him better than, than i knew him the last 11 years.   We haven't lost what we had before i went, we have only made it fuller.     

Yesterday was Valentine's day.    A happy day......at least it started that way.  I woke up happy...full of energy... then i got the call from Spain that i love to get.   We talked, we laughed... and we dreamed.   Our dreams never stop... although we've tried.   And my belief, is we will continue to dream.....it's really all we have....

So today...I am happy, because I have a wonderful life.  I have my son, my work that keeps me busy....and I have someone special on the other end of the world...  And did I say I have tickets to Spain ...... :)