It's kinda funny...

I met someone the other day...who reminded me of someone I love very much.   He resembled him, he was from the same country as my friend.  And he was also a Sagittarius.

I was psyched...thinking, i could maybe replace him with this other person.

He had to be like us...all Sagittarius...and because my first friend and I were so much alike...i thought maybe this other guy would be too.

After a few days...talking...learning about each other's likes, dislikes, etc.   His true colors started to show.

Ok...he is in Spain, where the economic crisis is bad.    I understand and feel bad for them.

So, this guy isn't doing well financially and he has a bad back.

I'm very compassionate and understanding of these things.

Yesterday, i asked him how he was.  He said he was worse than the day before, so I asked why.   He said he didn't have to explain his situation every day, I should know already.  Ok.   I tried to let him know, i thought something bad had happened.

Then, later I said, how are you...he said do i have to tell you again.   Then I finally said...even when I don't have a lot of work...I am worrying...I am sad...and someone asks me how I am, I always say fine.   He said, that i was lying to people if I said I was fine and I wasn't.   I said, why do I have to tell people about my negatives...when most people don't care...and if they are people that care, after you say it so many times, they get tired of hearing it.

So...then i got a message on my messenger and the ring tone I have a short clip of my favorite song.  He says...come on, now you're going to start playing that music.  It all sounds the same.   Ok...this had me pissed off already.   My music is such a big part of me...and anyone who knows me...knows that I listen to all different music...but there are some songs, that you will always hear if you're around me enough.

So then...he starts talking to me about my book.  And about the area I am basing it on...giving advice on the decade my characters are living in.   But as we're talking I pull out a book of an author from the same area he is from.  I see a name in the book, that I really like for a woman in my book.  Not the main character but someone else.  He said, if you use that name, they'll know you are lying.  Ok.    Then he tells me to find famous people from the area I am interested in, I do that.  He pulls out an artist and tells me to find her. I do.  But on the page of pictures I found the most gorgeous man.   He is perfect for the main character of my book.  I get super excited...and want to know who this man is.  I tell him about it...then he laughs at my character and what he is.  So...strike 2.   Big strike 2.

Then I start looking for women and men's names in the region to find what is most common in that area.    He's sending me movies to watch, regarding the dress of the decade I am interested in.  But my mind...is always wandering, and so i start saying names on the list...hey I was intrigued.

He said, enough with the names....watch the movie.   I finally told him....you are so negative...you are giving me a headache.  He backed off.   But I couldn't take it anymore...

What it made me realize, is not everyone is alike.  Of course..that's a no-brainer...but someone looking like someone else...speaking like that person...and born the same month... and they're nothing alike.

Yeah i guess I'm trying to replace, what i'm leaving behind.  But days like this...make me not want to leave it behind.

There are few people who understand me.   And when I find someone that understands my quirkiness.... i found a friend for a lifetime.

My music is such a big part of me...my first friend...tolerates my music...he has learned to like what I listen to, he knows how it affects me.   He never has anything negative to tell me.

He loves...the fact that i'm always thinking...always figuring something out...always finding a story to bring to life...in words...in my actions.

I can be me with him....and everything I have inside escapes...i don't have to hold anything back.  I can run and play...i can laugh and cry...i can dream....and he loves every part of it.   He brings the best of me out of me....   He has given me so much passion for so much in this life...

There's a song...by Laura Pausini...Escucha Atento (listen attentively)  There is part in the song that says - a nadie mas dije amor....desde entonces ninguno encontre que se parezca a ti, que se parezca a mi...por dentro.   busque en cada boca entontrar tu nombre...     I haven't called anyone else my love...and since then i haven't found anyone who is like you..who is like me....on the inside.   I looked in everyone to find your name....

Its what I've done...   I am searching for his twin...  Someone who can tolerate me.  I'm not that difficult..but someone who can tolerate my dreams and aspirations...who supports me in my ideas...who doesn't put me down, because I want to start a nontraditional business...who doesn't think my ideas for books...are silly or stupid.  Someone who wants the best for me...and encourages all that i do.

Someone who loves me from the inside out...someone who I can run and play with...who I can lay on the bed and look at the ceiling...and together we can dream..   Someone "who tries" to understand me.   In that, I will give all my heart, all my soul....i will give everything.   It's so funny....that's all it takes for me to fall in love.   Funny huh...

The other day, I was with my son and his ex-girlfriend and I was talking..dreaming...you know...i was being me.   She said something like "that's weird"   initially i got a little on the defensive...and then said...creativity to some is weird...and then i used Johnny Depp...he's weird I said, but i believe he is creative.     Usually some artists, writers, musicians, actors are weird...they have to be to bring out things that entertain the "normal"....

I love being weird...and i love more when someone knows exactly where i'm coming from.   I have many special people in my life who understand me.   And who I can speak to from my heart...because their hearts and dreams and ideas escape too...  I actually think it's something special.  So when i meet people who have this in them...i am so intrigued and entertained and i usually keep them in my life for a long long time.

Yeah...it's kinda funny....all it takes is being understood... or is it being tolerated.   Not sure...

All I know...that in finding someone to make me smile from the inside out...it's hard not to compare them to my soulmate...  when he looked at me...i could do no wrong...i was perfect...my silliness was appreciated...my seriousness was appreciated...  And all this brought out so much in him, as well.

I don't know how to end this...a part of me wants to go back...but a part me has to go forward.  Well...the only direction is ahead of me...taking the things i've learned from the past, and enjoying every moment someone special is placed before me.    But, where do you find people like you...where do i find people like me.   lol

I guess that goes back to something i read on Facebook....    stop looking for that person...do what you love...and the one you love will be there waiting for you.

So is it writing classes...photography classes...theatre classes...screenplay writing classes....  I guess so...   It's time to get started...Now's the time!

Setting something free...

They say something like:

Set  someone free, if it comes back, it's yours...if it doesn't, it never was.

It makes a whole lot of sense to me.   And it's what i've chosen to do, with something that my mind knows i should set free, but my heart just won't let go.

I've done it many times in my life...sometimes people came back, but if they take too long, you realize, they really didn't mean that much to you after all.  Hey, and what the heck....if they left, then why do you want them back?   

I once read, that after a break up, men get on with their lives, they date very soon, they party it up,  hanging out with their buddies...looking for all they thought they were missing when they were "attached."   But after a period, they realize what they lost and that's when they start missing and wanting it all to be back the way it was.    It also said that women, will cry, sing the blues, feel absolutely horrible after a breakup.   Then little by little they start to go out, they start to see other people, they start dating.   Then they forget about what they had.    Not feeling horrible anymore...and stronger to go on.  Totally opposite reactions...and i'm sure this can play out in an opposite manner, depending on who broke up the relationship.

You have to wonder...  why is it like this.   I guess it's the man/woman thing...like the book Men are from Mars and Women from Venus...or is it the other way around.   I'm not sure.     

Men and women just don't see things the same.    I think what women need to do is educate themselves on how men really think.   Don't we have those guy friends and our brothers that we hung around with...and knew exactly how they thought.  Well, that's probably how your boyfriend or husband thinks.    Guys too need to educate themselves on how women think.

I've learned a lot with my son.   I think from an emotional standpoint...and although he has a heart of gold and can see outside the box of the typical "guy way of thinking".    I've learned from him.     

I've had friends in my life, that can leave a relationship and just go on.  They seem so strong, the only kind of emotion they have for the one they left behind was nothing, unless the one they left behind did something horrible to them, then it's all hatred and bitterness.   And that's not all of them...but some.   Hey, its hard to get over something when someone wronged you.    

I've also had the friends who can never get over it.. I think I'm more one of those people. I always have to reason, and figure things out...that's just me, not only in relationships, but in how people work and function.    I swear, i should have been a psychologist.   Haha!   but, in a way it's been a good thing, because I can see why people are the way they are...I don't just judge someone because of a certain action, i want to know what brought them to that point.   Even when the most horrible of things have happened, I've done it.   

Anyway...back to setting something free.     I read something the other day on relationships.   It said, if someone wants to go...let them go.    Don't hold on... and both guys and girls do it.   But, setting them free, will in a sense set you free.    It will help you to go out and find things to make you stronger...     Don't dwell on it, although you probably want to scream and cry...do it.... then wipe your eyes...change the playlist on your ipod...to one that makes you happy...and take one step...one baby step, at a time....and go on.   

Then....what's meant to be will be.    Either you'll find something on your path of freedom....or it just might connect that path back to the person who wanted to be free.    

Sometimes, we need a change.   Sometimes we feel smothered.  Sometimes, we aren't seeing things eye to eye.   and freedom from that person is all that we see that brings us hope.    

So, its good sometimes to take a break, or distance yourself for awhile.  Don't panic...know its for the best.    Look at yourself, as if someone else was looking at you and judging your actions and ways.   If you were someone else looking in, what would you think of you?    then if there are things that you aren't liking...are you too demanding, have you lost your desire to look good for yourself, have you gained weight and aren't happy.  Are you grumpy, .... there are so many things that we can become when we become complacent...     And when i say do this, do this with open eyes....some people think they're perfect and have a reason for everything they do....let go of those reasons and become a better you!

Now if you've seen yourself through open eyes....then make a move.  Improve those things that are negatives...start losing weight, be happier, more patient, less demanding...or whatever it is that you're doing, that may have pushed the other person away.   

You'll be a lot happier when you change those things about you.  Because as I always say....Be your best and you'll find the best.   Whether it's a career, a life changing opportunity, a new love....  and hey, it just might bring the old love back.   

I for one...once I get over someone I loved...I can't go back.   Not because of anything...only because I've grown and am not that person who was with the other person before.   It's happened many times in my life...I would be in love, it would end, i'd be sad for awhile....but then after awhile...some tried to come back....but I could never do it again.   Not sure why.... I guess it's the growing and maturing thing.   And maybe seeing things through open eyes...

So...now to the part of "if they come back, they are yours, if not, they never were"

Some times people come into our lives.   That touch the deepest parts of our soul...   and it's hard to let those people go.   Even when they aren't around.    

When we can have our freedom to step out of the situation for awhile...to think about what we really want....  It may be all we need to come back to what we really never wanted to leave...   I've done it with only one person in my life.   Well, maybe 3, lol.   But in totally different situations and points of maturity in my life.   

So I wonder now...where will my decision take me.   Today, it'll take me to the beach...where I feel free, and it's what I love most in Miami.   So when I'm doing what I love most...I'll find what loves me most...waiting for me.   Who knows...it might be my soul mate....because i truly believe in soul mates...cuz i'm leaving one behind as I write....   But I just may find all that I love...the sand between my toes...the wind in my hair...the waves hitting my feet...and smiles from strangers... music in one ear...the sound of the ocean in the other....and then i'll top it off with an empanada de carne and a cup of cafe con leche.    

Yes...I am determined to find...what is meant for me...   And who knows...what I let go of at this moment, just might fly back.  He always has...because this isn't the first time.   Crazy...yeah...maybe we are.   But, when someone special enters your life...it's kinda hard to let go, unless the time comes...and up to this point, the time never came, although we tried...

So here I go....to the beach!   See you there...    Be happy when you have to fly, happiness is what will be the air in your wings to keep flying!

Que voy a hacer con este amor...

Hoy...un dia como muchos que he vivido por los ultimos años...

Hoy...decidi no seguir en esta locura que hemos vivido...este mundo que nos da todo...que nos da nada...pero al mismo vez nos ata...

Recuerdo el dia, hace casi 10 años... el dia que te regale mi corazon...despues de pelear los sentimientos...despues de rechazar tu amor...tus avances...tu calor...tu passion...y mas, por tu situacion que no hiba a cambiar...    Ese dia me resigne...y te di mi corazon...y todo el amor que estaba dentro...todo el amor que vino desde el lugar mas profundo de mi alma.

Desde ese dia...era tuya.

Tuya para amar...tuya para dar todo que pudiste dar...

Pero...desde ese dia...te di todo...me entrege a cada momento...para hacerte feliz...para verte feliz.   y dias como hoy, sufro...y siento tan vacia sin ti cuando te necesito....y no estas.

Juntos, eramos como niños descubriendo todo lo bello del mundo.   Dibujando....bailando...amando...corriendo...y caendonos.   Todo.

Fuiste el niño del barrio que yo buscaba para llevarme a aventuras y enseñarme lo bello del mundo, me enseñaste volar...me guiaste a los lugares mas altos que he vivido.  Yo, fui la niña que siempre soñabas...la niña...que era tuya.

Esto ha sido un escape para nos dos...  un escape de nuestros mundos reales...  pero los momentos compartidos durante los años, los momentos de sufrimiento y de placer me llenaron mas que puedo explicar.

Si, seria una locura, de verdad, para gente que no lo entienden.   La verdad, eramos dos locos...buscando lo mismo.   Y yo en ti, y tu en mi,  lo encontramos.   Algo tan fuerte, que por tantos años...por la distancia...y los obstaculos...seguimos aqui, buscando...necesitando...lo mismo!

De verdad creo que somos locos...en el sentido de...locos, uno por el otro.

Lo que me das es algo que nunca he sentido..y me has dicho lo mismo en lo que yo te doy.  Y se que somos adictos...uno por el otro.   Y por eso no lo hemos podido dejar atras... y no es por que no lo hemos tratado..por que tu lo has echo...y yo tambien lo he hecho, y siempre regresamos a lo mismo...   Lo que tenemos es algo mas fuerte que nuestras esfuerzas ....  Pero hoy, me toca a mi...y tratare de nuevo...de dejarte volar libre...como debes estar...sin mi.   

Tratare de volar, como un pajarito recien saliendo de su nido...con miedo de ser libre sin ti a mi lado...sin ti en mis sueños...sin esperanza de ver en tus ojos lo que siempre me hico volar...  Me da miedo caer del cielo sin tu aliento que necesito para seguir volando...y ni se si es posible...volar sin ti.

No se como deshacerte de mi vida...de mi corazon...de mi alma...  No se como seguir sin saber que no voy a estar alli para ti...y tu alli para mi.  

Quiero creer que es posibile olvidarte...dejarte en mi pasado...pero hay parte de mi que sabe que es algo imposible, aunque creo que seria lo mejor para ti...lo mejor para mi...    

Lo unico que se en este momento...es que cada vez que estubimos juntos....siempre se cumplieron mis sueños...


***  I wrote this a few days ago...a part of my heart wanting to run away...yet the strongest part of me never wanting to let go.

After I wrote this, I experienced a huge sense of loss for the person i wrote it for... I had been wishing and praying that I could be free and set him free.   But, then I felt something had happened to him.   I panicked, I couldn't sleep....i couldn't eat.  Because thinking of life without him, leaves me empty.    

The day after I panicked, I heard his voice over the phone... the voice that takes me higher than the highest mountains I've climbed...   Higher than the clouds that line the sky where lies the road that maps my destination to him.  

After I heard his voice...and the happiness I always hear from him, that brings happiness to my heart, it makes me realize I can't go away.  Why should I leave behind something that makes me shine... Is it wrong for me to use him, to be a better me...because he brings the best out of me.   No...it's not wrong.  Because, I'm not using him.... I truly love him and   what we bring to each other's lives is something special...something that we can't live without.   This is so apparent as we always run back to each other for whatever reason we can't be without.

Someone told me the other day...that we must have lived another life together if we can't let each other go.   Hmmmm...it made me wonder... because we know there is a connection between us that can't be broken.   Heck, we've tried many many times.

I have to live each day...as I always do.   Happy!   And what is meant to be...will be!   If I put out negative vibes into the universe, they will only return to me in the wind that blows through my hair and that is where they'll get tangled and remain.    If I let go of someone that has brought so much to my life, i will probably feel empty.

I can't put up obstacles for what I love most...or anything else in life.   I have to live the moment...   and take from the past, all the good...knowing that the future will only be better.   Y....que sera...sera....  whatever will be....will definitely be!

 So today, instead of walking away, instead of letting go...I'll continue on my journey...toward my happiness...not worried about what is going on or trying to control the uncontrollable...  Walking forward toward the best things in life...that I deserve....and that truly deserve me.  Hey...who knows what I might stumble upon...it may be the next thing that fills my life in more ways than its been filled in the past.  

I'm hopeful!  I'm positive...   and I know.... that the best is yet to come!

Alive....is how I feel...

Have you ever felt like you're just living...following motions...because that's how it's supposed to be?


Have you felt, that you lost the reasons that made you feel alive....?


I did...


So I was desperately searching for a reason to dance...and sing ... even when i was feeling drenched from the rain, which was just a figment of my imagination due to the way i was feeling!


I didn't have to look far...because I remembered how it felt to feel alive...with no doubts.    Alive...with an open heart.  Alive...singing beautiful songs...even when i couldn't carry a tune or remember all the words.


I went to a drawer that I had of momentos...things I kept, that I could not...and would not ..ever throw away.  I found a book.  A book I had written....yeah, you can call it a diary.   And in this book...was the secret to finding me, once again.


The book was written while I was on a trip... a trip I took to meet someone I fell in love with...and who I knew loved me.


The trip was wonderful..all my dreams had become reality.   But because of things in both our lives, we couldn't be together.  


The years had passed....I knew that he was still around, because he never left.  I had pushed him away for many reasons, but I needed him again.  I needed to find the me he had helped me become so long ago.  My life had changed, My body had changed, I didn't feel like the same person he loved back then.  So first step was to become the person I knew I could be, the person he loved.  


I found him...and it was like all the years had fallen through a funnel...all the feelings and emotions came rushing back.   I think it happened because we both were needing each other for what ever silly reasons they may have been, or because our lives were lacking what we once provided each other...the things that tied us together and never let us move on...those things are what brought us together again.


Months have passed, and some days depending on my mood...I'm happy, others are sad.   


I realize though, that in both of us...we make each other feel alive. He often reminds me that we are getting older...but I too, so often remind him, that we have to keep our hearts and minds young...the years will come and go...the wrinkles will paint our faces...the muscles in our bodies will turn soft... but if we run and play,  we will always laugh...we will never allow ourselves to wither...we will never die.


What he sees in my eyes...that come from my heart is a spark, the spark that lights a fire between us...what I see in his eyes...is a reason to laugh and play...to cry and sing...to write beautiful love stories.   What we see in each other is something neither of us has ever found in anyone else and I believe that we are each other's addiction.  As he says it, from the moment he saw me he was bewitched...and as I say, from the moment I fell in love with him, I have never been the same. 


When he looks at me, I feel like the most beautiful woman in the world...in his presence I feel I can dance and be myself...without anyone judging me.   And he too, feels the most manly man, the most desirable when he looks into my eyes and feels my heart and soul.   He often asks me how I can give all my heart so easily to him. It's simple, it's because its so easy...because of who he is, and all that he has given me and in a way, he's filled my heart..and I have no other choice than making it his...  It's funny, but...in a way, it's my fairy tale.   


Yes, most of the time, we see only the beauty in our relationship.   Although there are times, that the hideous outweighs everything else.   That is when we go away, we push each other away, and try to run from all that we desire... I, so many times,  try to find the road that takes me far from the love of my life.   The thing is...neither he nor I can go very far.  And when we realize we can't go far, we run to each other for all that we love.   The sparks in our eyes...the laughter, the silliness, the stories, the love...the passion,  .....yes, all that attract us to each other...is hard to let go of and in a way, we become kids again.


I pray for someone equal or better to walk into my life...and rescue me from all the feelings...that fill me.   I know that is the only way I will go away.  The only way I will be free and the only way I will set him free.   But there's a part of me...that is not sure, if I could ever be free from something so beautiful.  And that is the part of me that finds it unfathomable to let go.  i believe he feels the same way, as he also, can not let me go.   We've tried, numerous times...but the ties that bind us are stronger than every strength we have.  


I hope that everyone has experienced this type of feeling.   I don't know if I'm in love...but I know I love him...for all the wonderful things he makes me feel.   From so very far away...    


The other day, my sister in law sent me a link to a very deep love poem, song type thing.    But what she said was this was for her hopeless romantic friends (me and her other friend).  Initially I was like "what...hopeless romantic? me?"   I DON'T THINK SO! 


Honestly, i always thought hopeless romantic was something negative...someone that couldn't find love.   Well...i googled it... and hopeless romantic is this:   


A person in love with love.  They believe in fairy tales and love.  All hopeless romantics are idealists, the sentimental dreamers, the imaginative and the fanciful when you get to know them.   They often live with rose colored glasses on.  They make love look like an art form with all the romantic things they do for their special someone.


Wow....when i found that...it was the definition of me!  Mona...


Then i began to wonder...could it be the Sagittarius in me... so I googled Sagittarius...and I had to tell him.   


He's also Sagittarius... and we are very much a like.   Although he may be just a bit more reserved than I am, maybe a lot more until we're together...  I think its the kid in me that he loves...but it's also the kid in him that I love.   I feel that we have a rope between us...kinda like tug a war..he pulls one way, by using words and gestures that make me fight, that make me crazy ...then i use words or expressions that bring him running...  indifference...its what makes us wild.   We have never been mad...until I did something a couple weeks ago...and felt i lost him...but i knew that i would never lose him...i knew he could never go away for long.    It was funny, it was as if nothing happened.  Yeah, we are forgiving..and we forget...there's nothing else to do. Did i say we were alike?


When researching Sagittarius traits... i found something that told our story.   Its in spanish, but i will translate the best I can..


Las mujeres de Jupiter son idealistas incurables.  Y te dire un secreto que tal vez la tuya no te haya confiado nunca:  se enamoro de ti hace muchos años, cuando era pequenita y pedia a la luna nueva que le enviara a alguien para compartir la sinceridad de su corazon.  Hubo montones de veces en que le parecio que te habia encontrado, pero se desilusiono.  Pero cuando por fin llegaste, te reconocio al instante, porque eras un apacible payaso con algunos sueños propios, que la tomo de la mano y le mostro el camino que conduce a las estrellas.  


Jupiter women are incurable idealists. And I'll tell you a secret that yours might not have ever confided in you: she fell in love many years ago, when she was little and called on the new moon to send her someone to share the sincerity of his heart. There were lots of times when she thought she had found you, but was disappointed.  But when you finally arrived, she immediately recognized you, because you were a gentle clown with dreams of your own, and you  took her by the hand and showed her the path to the stars. 


This was sooooo deep to me.  I immediately had to send it to him.    It was, in just a short paragraph...in so few words...telling the story of a lifetime.... my lifetime.   And a lifetime of a man and woman...who stumbled across each other...through time...and space...and with no deliberate intention....they fell in love...filling each other's lives in ways they had never imagined.


Yes, for the most part...all the stories I've written...have come from him.  I thank him all the time for painting my world in color...because if it hadn't been for him...i wouldn't have written all I have...all the finished and unfinished love stories.   And believe it or not...they are not about me and him...they come from our creativity...our happiness...our sadness...  Each and every day...I am thankful to have been blessed by someone so special...someone who believes I am so very special...and who has helped me realize my value in this world.... I make him smile...he makes me smile....  He makes me cry....I make him cry....  And in his words..."you are the best women I have ever met in my life"....although that part he says in spanish :).  And, even though I've never told him, because I have to keep some secrets...He truly is the best man I have ever met, someone I consider my soul mate.     


Yes, bits and pieces of me are living in a fairy tale...bits and pieces of me are living a horror story....I live more in the fairy tale paving  the way to my happily ever after...not relying too much on others' views of how my life or life in general should be lived...but leaning on an illusion so great, which has brought to my life...hope...hope that my dreams will all come true...as i step graciously or stumble one foot at a time...toward my happiness!


Hey...they say once in a lifetime...   I say why not twice in a lifetime!  And so it will be...

Love..without it....who are we...

A few days ago...

I shared something with a friend of mine,

my prior blog to a friend who changed my life.

She asked me...how can you have so much love in your heart...

I see it in your face.

It was hard to answer...

then she said, that she wished she had hope...that out there, she hoped she would find love to give her the feeling she saw in my face. She's a beautiful girl...my age...and has so much to offer. She's honest, hard working... Most men would love to be with her.

My advice to her...because it is what I did, when my soul was dying...my hope was no where to be found... I had to go back in my past and find the happiest moments I had lived, the time I felt best about myself.   I did... and it made me realize who I had been...who I had lost. Me...the me that only had one choice to live...a happy and fulfilled life. What I did was search...in my past for something that made me feel alive. I told her to do the same...

 Since then, my life again has expanded...and my happiness comes from inside. Not because I again found what brought all those feelings back...but because of me.

We have to take ....whatever positive influences that are placed before us...and we need to use them to flourish...we need to figure out how they fit us best...and use them to our advantage.

Every day...is a new day...

every day we're given a chance to be better than yesterday...

but you'll never do it...if you don't believe.

My divorce will be final in a few days. I think of myself a year ago...and how at this moment 12 months ago, I was still trying to re-find me. I needed to be the person who had died along the way...throughout those years of conformity. I think now ...how my life has changed...and not in how i live..but in how i feel about me... and how I look at all that has been placed around me with open eyes...

I have someone ...or a few people to thank for that.

I wonder though...have I built this love in my heart...because of someone else...or because of me. In a sense...it came from someone giving me strength...validating me...I needed it. And it's ok... I'm thankful for being blessed...by people who I've chosen to keep in my life. And with each and every one of those people...a part of me is filled ... and because of them, and how I choose to believe...i have become full.

Sure...some days...are easier than others. But I know in my heart...that i'm going to be ok. I know...that my life is getting better one day at a time...one moment at a time.

Back to my friend... at the end of our conversation, she said, she thought she was ok, not having fantasies about love...not being excited about love... my reaction was "noooooooooo!!!!" you can't stop dreaming...you can't stop feeling...because when the dreams stop...we die. Dreams give us hope...dreams give us vision...dreams become reality... So don't anyone stop believing... It will be your demise...

In my journey toward happiness...it brings bits and pieces and chunks of happiness on a daily basis... I may cry in 2 minutes...but i'll dry my tears up...look in the mirror and giggle, because my nose is red... but then i'll go on...knowing in my heart...and believing in my soul... that my dreams are becoming reality.

I will never ever ever ever ever....let anyone crush my dreams again. It's a bumpy road out there...but hey...i've prepared myself. And today...tomorrow...and forever...I choose to have love in my heart...that will spill out on pages of writings...and come out in words of hope...
and as of today...there is only one person...
who knows the many faces of Mona...
 but tomorrow that may change...

Hoping...dreaming...loving.... forever...and ever...and ever... I'm free!

10 Años...

Amigo...del corazon

Amigo...del alma

10 años despues de que te conoci...

me pregunto... "por que?"

En otro tiempo...hubiera sido imposible,

encontrarnos como paso.

Los planetas...

las estrellas...

Dios...

y nuestra suerte nos unió.

Era el destino....

Gracias por perseguirme...

gracias por buscarme y encontrarme.

Si no fuera por eso,

no hubiera conocido una de las personas mas importantes de mi vida.

Gracias por abrir mis ojos y mi corazon a alguien tan especial...

que era tu.

A veces...me pregunto...

cual era la razon.

A veces se la respuesta...a veces no.

Lo unico que se... es que ese dia, tube suerte...

por que cuando nos encontramos...por cosas..casi imposibles...

Desde ese dia, mi vida se lleno mucho mas.

Sabes...

la musica que sale de tu alma...

y que he visto en tu mirada...

que escucho en tu voz...

me hace bailar...y también cantar...

eres el pincel y yo la pantalla...
donde han nacido
historias lindas...

eres la luz, que alumbra la oscuridad en este paisaje que hemos pintado.

Cuando estoy perdida...sin direccion...

llegas y llenas mi vida...con esperanza y felicidad.

Me diste tanto... sonrisas... lagrimas... historias lindas... amor.

Contigo he sentido las sensaciones de la vida...mucho mas profundo.

Me enseñaste vivir con vida.

Vivir con ganas...

Vivir...cantando..

Vivir...bailando...

viendo el mundo delineado en color.

Te he dado todo que una amiga puede dar...

y todo vino de mi alma...

de mi corazon...

que si te regale.

Y se que tu tambien diste todo que pudiste dar.

10 años despues... se la razon.

Se que algo tan bello como tu...

llego para enseñarme cosas y sentimientos que nunca pense existian.

Y desde entonces

se que los sueños si se cumplen.

Se....que si existen...

amigos del corazon...

amores del alma.

Estamos en dos planetas...

Tu en el sol...yo en la luna.

Pero las cosas que nos unen...

me hacen sentir que siempre estubiste a mi lado.

Hoy vi algo...

algo que hemos buscado los ultimos meses

vi dos pajaros azules...

que con eso...

ahora si se

que todo era por algo.

algo

mas profundo que puedo explicar

y entender...

Hasta siempre te mandare mis besos....

siempre en el viento....

y hasta siempre!

Gracias...y miles y millones de gracias...

Amigo Mio...

Tu amiga siempre...

tuya.

Las caras del video...son las caras que pintaste...desde el principio

y es la cancion que te cantaba cuando estaba a tu lado... :)

All rights to written material and photos owned by Ramona Russo. i have no rights to the music used in this video

Laura Pausini - Entre tu y mil mares...

Valentines Day....

A day for lovers...

A day to show the ones you love just how much you love them...

A day to remind you, you are alone.

A day to remind you of the person you wish you could be with instead of the person you're with...

A day....just like any day?

I think so.... because whether it's Valentines Day or any other day...our hearts are still the same.

This day for those who are happy with their significant others...is a day of celebration. We celebrate the love we have for each other. And there's no better way to do it.

This day for those who are alone, or unhappy with the one they are with...is just a reminder...and a day that may even make some feel inadequate.

22 year ago on Valentine's Day, I married the love of my life...at that point...my son's father. It was a wonderful day, because I married the man I loved and was determined to make it last forever... 22 years later, its usually my brother in law that reminds me this day is also my anniversary...or former anniversary. This day doesn't remind me of him...or anyone in particular.

What this day does remind me of are chocolate hearts... Russell Stover strawberry hearts...mmm they're the best! I usually eat about 10 before Valentines Day...this year I haven't had one...because I haven't stopped at the store that carries them...I think about it when I pass Walgreens...but haven't made the effort to stop.

I read my friend's posts...some so happy...posting flowers, gifts, etc. But I also read my friend's posts on facebook, who are alone. Who are lonely...who wish they had someone to love. I've been through both in the past...and honestly this day does remind me or make me aware that I'm alone.

I'm alone at this point, by choice. And I'll be alone until I find someone who deserves me and who I deserve. It's not easy to find someone that you fit perfectly... there are many out there readily available...but I won't waste my time on anyone that isn't all I need and want...ever again. Life is too good to spend it tied to someone you don't love...someone who doesn't make your heart happy...someone who doesn't share your same dreams...and someone who does not cause you to dream and create beautiful stories for the two of you.

I truly believe that we have to be happy inside...and be our best always. Someday, someone who completes us will cross our paths and we'll know it.

In reading the Alchemist the other day....I found something I could relate to...

When you know the universal language of love...it's easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it's in the middle of the desert or in some great city. And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning...

What this means to me...and I know...because I have found my soulmate and together we have written beautiful stories. Someone I will love until a day past forever... And what this means to me...is that we have to know in our hearts and soul that there is someone out there waiting to be found by us...and it'll come. It'll happen...don't rush it!

Don't hook up with the first one that comes along...yes, we have to try some on for size...but don't get married, just because you are seeing rockets...don't get pregnant because you love the same love song... Think...wait, and know before you jump. It doesn't take long for your heart to tell you the truth...your mind to tell you the reality of what is truly going on...you'll know whether its right or wrong...and if you feel its wrong, don't stay...go away...far away...because you'll miss out on someone better, the someone meant for you.

Today I hope my friends and the world are happy. Don't be sad because it's Valentine's Day and you are alone ....be happy that in this world there is someone that was made for you. And go out...with your heart and eyes open...smile...be kind...and Prince or Princess charming will be in your path.

this is something I posted on Facebook the other day...because I know that 2 souls, who are meant to find each other...will find each other... through the heavens...that intertwine our breaths our heartbeats...which eventually become one...i know, because the impossible is what brought the most precious to me....

two souls...meld into one...destined to find each other in a world so vast...two souls on a journey, never imagining that all the forces...near and far would someday bring them together...questions..of how and why..can only be answered by the moments of bliss and despair...and when analyzed and taken apart..the overwhelming realization is spelled out into something so beautiful only the heavens could have written...

So go buy yourself some chocolates...or bump that love song in your car...and sing at the top of your lungs... Be happy! You have a million reasons why....just think about it

Happy Valentines Day my friends...Love you!

A Letter To My Son... I love you.....

To my beautiful son shine..

18 years ago at 3:50 pm, I was blessed with you, the biggest and brightest gem of my life.

You were my miracle...

I had been told I couldn't have a baby. When I was 19, I had cysts on my ovaries and had to have surgery to remove them. Then years later had surgeries to remove the scar tissue that didn't allow me to get pregnant. After numerous surgeries they told me that I couldn't have kids.

In the beginning, it was extremely hard for me

to accept. I was angry at the world. Everywhere I looked I saw babies, kids and pregnant moms. My heart was broken. But, then I got courage...and realized, if that is how it is supposed to be, then I can accept it. I was ok after awhile. Because I had to be.

On April 20, your cousin was born. Your dad and I were there to experience his birth. On my way home from the hospital, I was so sad, because I knew I would never experience this in my life. Your dad and I went home... and we prayed, we asked God to give us just one baby. Just one! We even said, that is all we'd ask for. I think it was the only time your dad and I prayed together...and our prayer was answered.

9 months later you were born.

Since that day, every day has been filled with sunshine.

Watching you grow...watching you learn...and seeing the young man you have become gives me pride.

Life wasn't easy at times, because you and I were alone. But life was beautiful, because you gave me hope each and every day. Hope

and courage. Courage to be a strong mom with my only option being to raise a strong man.

On your 6th birthday, I cried. I cried because I had realized just how fast 6 years had passed. I cried because I thought...6 years have gone so fast, in another 6 years you'd be 12 and six years after that you'd be 18. Wow....18 years have passed, and I can't believe just how fast. What I know...is that each and every day of those 18 years, I knew that I had the best son ever.

I tried my hardest to protect you from negative talk regarding kids who grow up in single family homes. I refused to believe that you were going to be like the kids the media labelled. I also refused to treat you differently, or let anyone feel sorry for you because your dad wasn't around. I never wanted anyone to be a cause for you being weak or blaming anything in life on your dad not being around.

You know, since you were little, you always had a calming effect on me and on others you touched. When you were little, I'd take you to grandma's restaurant where I would cook. You would go out into the restaurant and you'd sit with adults and have conversations with them. It was cute to see you talking with

the older people. They just loved you.

I see people now, and moreso my friends, who see that you are special. I'm so proud when I hear people talk so highly of you, and i believe that what they feel is something you have that shines from deep inside your soul.

Over the years, you've become my friend, in the most positive sense. I can confide in you. I look to you for your constructive criticism and for your advice. You calm me. You make me move, you push me and are hard on me when you need to be. You make me see things from a broad minded perspective, as I think I've taught you to do. Some times you tell me things, that make me realize how I handle matters and it helps me improve myself.

One of the most positive things I see in you is...you have a kind, compassionate heart. I see how you treat older people and children with respect. That is something to be proud of. I have taught you to treat all people the same. It's what grandma and grandpa taught me. Whether they're poor or rich, old or young, they are the same.

Today I didn't give you a shiny new car, or lots of

money. I gave you something to build. I gave you a business. It is up to you to rise to the top. I can't hold your hand, and can't do it for you. It's all in your hands. Use your hands to guide you, as you stretch your arms outwards into wings that will help you soar to the highest places you choose to fly.

What I see now, is the man you've grown to be

. I am truly not worried, that you are going to have a wonderful life . I know you are strong, because you give me strength. I see how you are a leader and not a follower. I see how you inspire your friends. That makes me proud.

My words of advice to you, as I so often have them haha... are, go forth, learn....never stop learning. Whether you choose to become a doctor or a painter or a writer or an RVP. Put your heart in it....help people, while you're working your way to the top. You know I've taught you, that a kind word of encouragement can change a person's life. Be an inspiration to everyone you touch and you'll never have regrets. And, like i've said so often....when people try to break your spirit or crush your dreams...don't ever give them the power to do it.

Remember....like i told you so often about some of my favorite lyrics in a spanish song (haha, you know me and my music)....Porque la vida son instantes que se cruzan en el tiempo. La locura mas brillante puede estar ocurriendo...Por que dandole la vuelta al peor de los momentos

abriremos nuevas puertas que nos llevan hasta el cielo.... life is full of instances that cross in time...the brightest insanity may be happening....when you turn a bad moment around, you open doors that just may take you to heaven....

Don't forget...turn the negative around, whether something bad happens, or someone negative is put in your path....learn from those moments and people...pull the positive...and it'll be you who has the control and by doing this....you will find a happy place!

Always be the positive influence for your cousins, friends and family and business associates. Push them higher...because in pushing them to success in whatever sense it may be...will make you happy!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For lighting my world with sunshine and rainbows....with beautiful painted landscapes of what a family is. A mother and her son...we've come this far together. And I'll always be at your side to hold you up when you need me....or even if i'm far away...remember the golden words...You're OK...and you'll always be OK....

I want to say fly baby fly....but it's hard. I put together the video today...and cried.... because I realize what I was afraid of so long ago...I was afraid for you to grow up and leave me. Over the last several years I've prepared myself...and I was ok ...until today that I saw all the memories put together...with all the songs that mean something to us.

Just know I love you from the bottom of my heart and with my entire soul. You truly are my one and only shining star...my sonshine!

Love you....love you....love you.... MOM!

http://youtu.be/SQoZ2sK_kfQ