Love...with or without marriage...

About 2 months ago, I found an old book I had sitting on the shelf for the last several years. Its called the Marriage Plan, how to meet and marry your soul mate in less than a year! Boy, was I on a mission!

Hmmm... pretty deep huh? Well, because of my state of mind, and state of heart at the time I started reading it. It was just what I needed.

The plan is, set a goal date of when you want to be married. List alllllll the things you want in your soulmate. So, my date was going to be June, 2012. I thought it would be good, after my son graduates. Also, my family would all be here for the graduation. Two birds with one stone...yes! Hey, I was pulling at straws.

I wrote down alllllll those things that I want in a soulmate. Tall, pretty eyes, successful, creative, etc. etc. etc. Dang, I had a long list...and kept adding to it. Hmmm...superman you say? Maybe! But I knew in my heart I would find all that in one person! So I was ready...I was hitting the streets...I was shopping the internet, and even looking toward the past for something...someone! Sounds like desperation huh?

Well split ups and life changes sometimes make us go bonkers. That's what I was...bonkers!

I thought about that plan for about 2 days, maybe 4. Then I forgot about it. As my mind and body were strengthened, I didn't need that book anymore. So back it went...to its corner of my book shelf. In fact, I couldn't find it now that I had to refer to its title. That goes to show just how important it was.

So, after a few months, marriage doesn't seem so important anymore. Talking with my friend the other day, the subject of marriage came up. Of course I said, "I would like to be married again someday." Hey you know what they say "the third time's a charm!" Well, that's what I want to believe anyway. He asked or said something like "why, if you're in love, does there have to be marriage." I thought about it...but it made me feel a little sad, because for an instant I thought, and what if i fall in love with him, he would never marry me! Then I thought, Geez Louise! Was I willing to let this special person, someone who could be the best thing that ever happened to me, slip through my fingers, based on my marriage beliefs or desires!

I grew up in a home, where my parents were married until my dad died. My grandparents, on both sides, were married till my grandfathers died. I always thought of marriage as "till death do we part". That was my intention for my first marriage. But today, its still a belief I hold on to. I really have to wonder, is that just a part of my fairy tale description of what life and love should be?

I always thought that marriage is the ultimate commitment two people can make to each other. But do you really want to know what I dream of? I dream of walking down the isle in a beautiful white dress. Yeah... that's what I think of. My first marriage, I was wearing a black mini skirt...black top and black heels, black stockings and a big black hairdo, Oh, and pink lipstick!! Wow! A far way off from that white dress I so wanted to wear! Second marriage... pink skirt, pink top, pink lipstick...same difference, except I didn't have pink hair!!

Well, I can't say that the only thing that mattered to me was a white dress...I always wanted to be married by the Catholic church. My church! Because it's what I've believed all my life and a part of me would like that some day! Hey, I was a little girl dreaming of walking down the isle with her daddy at her side, walking towards her prince charming... in my beautiful white dress... then having kids...and living happily ever after. You know how the story goes...Yup, just like Cinderella! That's so cute, but at this point in my life isn't it a bit unrealistic...especially at my age! Well, not really, I truly believe that everything is possible, to a certain extent...but what is it that I really want? hmm...

But wait......then I really start thinking about it. Does there have to be marriage to love someone? Does there have to be marriage to commit to someone? Does not being married to someone make it easier to go on to the next best thing when you get bored? What? What's the depth of commitment when there isn't marriage? What is the depth of commitment where there IS marriage? I guess that takes me back...to love! Love Love Love...here we go again!

Ufff...this one is a hard one! Because I have mixed feelings...the me that grew up where I grew up, plays heavy on my mind and heart. The me, that I've come to know and the reality of life that I've accepted or learned to live has opened my mind to other possibilities.

I'm searching for a conclusion to this topic! I'm not sure I have one.

I guess the only conclusion I have at this point in time, is when we commit to someone, and its truly what we want. Then give all you have......not just 50%...give 100%. Hey, its the love of your life. When you're both giving 100%....then you'll have no regrets. So if you're in love...and married or not, do what's important. I think your heart will lead you. Take each day with patience, communicate, and know what each expects...and I think everything will be ok. Have fun being in love....

And just maybe, the next time I fall in love.....that white dress just might be my dress of love that I wear walking alongside that special man, on the shores of the Atlantic Ocean......with or without marriage! *I'm smiling*

Me....My blog.....and I

Ok....here goes.

I think I have to clarify a few things. Why a blog?

Just because...just because I feel like it. And if you know me well enough, you know I won't and don't do anything I don't want to do.

I love to talk...I love to write!

What I say or think, may be something you don't agree with, but its me.

You may like me...may not like me...may judge me, but, if you have an open mind, laugh along with me on my journey somewhere!

I'm an open book, just a regular person who's not afraid to say what I think about myself. I won't hurt anyone intentionally...I only hope to help.

What I write here, is my heart writing! My brain churning thoughts here...thoughts there! What you read, is exactly what would be coming out of my mouth...so if you know me...its like you're talking to me!

My grammar is far from perfect, my punctuation is horrible, at times. One thing I'll always try to get right, though, is my spelling...its almost an obsession for me! lol

I'm a little complicated...but yet, so easy! I am always trying to help someone...even though I may not know everything or even a smidgen of anything at all, I will try to help you solve a problem, or see the light! My advice may not be the right advice, but in doing so, I sometimes make realizations that better my life, or help me see things more clearly.

I always welcome ideas, advice, even though I may not do what I'm told, or suggested. I will take it and I will think about it and always try to make sense of it! Call me rebellious, yes that's me, to a point.

So, that's what I do here....write and try to make sense of my life and issues surrounding me and those I love and care about.

So.....here I am. Me, myself and I.....Me, my blog and I. :) Don't take it serious...don't take it personal...just have an open mind and have fun!

What is love....

My friend asked me a few days ago "have you ever been in love?" Now that was an easy question....YES! was my answer... ok, maybe I didn't answer with such enthusiasm, but I knew I had definitely been in love.

Then...my brain started working...analyzing, as i do just about everything. Then, I felt I had answered too soon.

There are many types of love. I remember those junior high days and the puppy love I felt for a couple guys. You think he's the love of your life and you'll love him forever and a day. I think those fairy tales they read to us when we were little, set us up for our first disappointments with love. We are looking for happily ever after, with boys who usually aren't ready for love. Remember...they say girls mature faster than boys. But, girls in their teens are nowhere near maturity. At least, I know I wasn't.

Then came other types of love. I've always been the one who falls in love too quickly. So, I ended up in relationships where I felt empty. Heck, I married my first husband after knowing him only 4 months. My second husband, a few months longer, him in one town, me in another! We didn't even know each other, how were we going to live happily ever after!

So, as my mind churned and I began analyzing the loves of my life - and I'm not talking about analyzing the guys, but I'm talking the Love itself, that I felt. I realized that I've felt different types of love...desperate love, puppy love, I've been the one to cry because of love, I've made someone cry because of it and I've had unfulfilled, dream like love, emotional love, and I've experienced internet love. Yeah, pretty complicated!

So, then i begin to ask myself. "What is Love" well...now that's the million dollar question. So, here I go, analyzing, trying to figure out what love is to me!

The day after my friend asked me that question, I came back and brought up the question again. Only because I thought I had figured it out. Now, as I think about it, I don't think I figured it out, but I know what I want it to feel like... next time.

I think love is feeling whole. Love is patience. Love is treating each other with kindness. Love is appreciating each other. Love is taking time, whether a few seconds or an entire day, for each other. Love is sharing. Love is ..... Ok..ok, i'm going to stop with all that, because the thing that sticks in my mind most is "love is peace."

Peace in your heart, peace in your home, peace as you leave each other, peace when you're near or far. Plain and simple peace!

Ok, you're probably thinking. "Mona's nuts, what does she mean "Love is peace?" Ok, ok...I know you have to feel the attraction, and feelings of love to be with someone, of course. But I truly believe that for love to last, you have to have peace in your relationship.

There are so many things in our busy busy lives...kids, the bills, work, friends, car repairs, etc., etc. etc. ....and yes, those are all priorities and need to be taken care of. But, can you imagine... loving someone that makes all life's stresses, easy? Now that is peace!

But now.....where does peace come from? I believe peace comes from maturity and patience. We need to have patience and be selective. We have to stop rushing into relationships, and stop moving him or her in on the first feelings of lust! It takes time to know someone, and after awhile, you can make a better decision on whether or not you want to be with that person. If you move someone in too fast, and you don't even know what they think or what comes from their heart...its probably not going to last. Sure you can make babies, and buy a car or house together...but those things won't keep you together. They might keep you under the same roof for awhile, maybe not. But, they will only complicate what you have.

So take your time, next time. If you're in it now...try to find your peace!! It'll make life easier.

As for me... the best advice I was given the last couple of months was "Don't fall in love for 6 months...go on dates, have sex, do whatever you want, have fun...just don't fall in love" (ok my mom's not going to like that last statement about sex, but it's just something told to me by someone, who's advice I appreciate). What I took from his advice, is if I fall in love too quickly, because I'm in desperate need of love, I'll end up feeling empty, again. Hey, been there... done that and I threw all the t-shirts in the trash!

Of course, it's all easier said than done... and the only thing that makes sense to me at this moment...is being my best! And, when I'm my best....I know Mr. Best For Me will stumble upon my path. and who knows...maybe the next thing I'll be writing about is my happily ever after!

Take it easy...don't rush...cuz you just might trip and fall! Have fun...

Alone...

Alone... what does that mean? Physically alone...alone emotionally? Hmmm. The question of the day!

In March, I found myself alone. My husband of 7 years had moved out! Although, I knew it was coming, and as prepared as I thought I was....I was not prepared at all.

The first days were lonely and quiet. I felt like someone had died. I felt like I lost my best friend. I was mourning the loss of what little existed between us. The days passed...I cried...I wondered...I planned...but I kept walking on my treadmill. Yes, the tears fell on the treadmill belt and to my toes, just like my perspiration did. But I kept walking...each day crying less.

In my heart, I knew that what had happened was for the best and I was glad he had the nerve to make the break, because I sure didn't even though I knew there was nothing there. But, i talked it out with everyone that would lend an ear. I had to make sense of it, although I already knew the truth, I had to express what I felt. Poor Anthony, poor Carol, my poor sister, mom and cousin Charlotte...they all had to listen to me. They all told me what they thought...but funny thing is, everything they said. I already knew.

Its funny, but during the days I felt so lost and alone, I talked to a couple of girl friends here in Miami, and they told me about 2 singles sites. So here I go again...making up a profile. Hmmm, what picture should I post... The funny thing is, the internet is where I found my husband, and I swore I would never do it again. But, here I was, looking at the single guys, reading their profiles and getting messages from some, the majority in their 20's..my usual response was "I'm probably as old as your mother, why on earth would you write to me?" haha.

I eventually talked to about 5 on the phone, you might think I'm awfully brave to give my phone number, I thought so too. Anyway, they were nice guys, but I really did not want a blind date. And that's what dating sites are all about, blind dates. Yeah, you may see their pictures...but pictures can be deceiving. I knew it, because of course I wasn't going to put up pics of me as I got out of bed with my hair a mess and no make up.... and definitely not even one of those pics where you can see my imperfections!

So here I was, searching where I shouldn't be. The only good thing about this is talking on the phone first, it gives you a sense of who they are. One guy asked me if I liked to touch all day, hugging kissing...I was like, if you love someone, maybe... ok, for awhile, but then get away! So I ran for the hills or should I say towards the ocean, from that one. I so love my space and didn't want to be stuck to someone especially in hot and humid Miami! That was the only time I talked to that guy! I actually met 2 guys... both Cuban, the first didn't like me and I didn't like him lol The second...was nice and wanted to see me again, but i just wasn't into him, a little too young for me and he was more like 30-something!. So ...that was the last.

The days went by, and I felt stronger. Because I was stronger, in my self esteem...heck i had lost 20 lbs. I kept walking, watching what i was eating and I started making a plan, a plan of how I should live my life. A plan which included improvements of past mistakes. I knew I had to be strong in myself, if I would ever meet someone that would complement me! Someone that was worth loving.

I read books, break up books, positive thinking books...I searched the internet for answers. Answers, not to why it happened. I already knew why it did. Answers to reinventing me.

I had been in a relationship which included my husband, my son and my work from home! Who was I? What the heck did I know about Miami. Very little. Sure I knew the mall and the movies and my favorite restaurants and of course the grocery stores... but there was a whole world out there and I was in the middle of it. What the heck was I going to do in Miami...no friends, no family except for Anthony. What?

Well I won't deny...the weight loss was what literally pushed me out that door. I took off to Miami Beach, ate at my favorite Argentinian " Buenos Aires Bakery"... cafe con leche with media lunas....and sandwiches de miga, my favorites and just what this girl needed! Then I put my headphones on, kicked off my sandals and headed for the beach!

I wasn't on the beach to tan, or to be a bathing beauty. I was there to walk. To look at the beautiful buildings that painted the edge of the vast ocean. I was there to feel the waves hit my feet. I was there to find black sea shells. And my music filled my ears. I was happy!

I was alone...and I was happy! Today, three months later. I'm alone....and I'm still happy! I have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful son...I have me! And I can't forget the wonderful family and friends that keep me laughing and smiling...sometimes crying, as I read their facebook posts. Thanks everyone for the smiles! You all rock!

Father's Day...

First and foremost...Happy Father's day to my dad up in heaven! I thank him for teaching me that hard work will bring my dreams to reality. He taught us that the love of a parent is one of the most important things.

My dad was a quiet man, yet friendly and wise. He had to drop out of school in 8th grade to work to help his family. My dad, along with my mom, accomplished a lot in his life, leaving us the beautiful land that we are proud of and where we call home. His dream was to leave each one of his children a ranch.

My dad was the hardest working person I know. One thing I remember is my dad didn't like being late, and stressed that we should be on time. Its something that has become a part of me, and you know if i'm going to be there, it will usually be early. :)

My son posted on facebook today "What's a Father's Day"...of course...i had to comment. My response was something like...Father's day is a day to appreciate all the father figures in his life...even if his father wasn't there. But to take the positive of when his father was around and go forth with the positive and leave the negative in the past. I also said that it is for him and his friends when they are good fathers someday.

I experienced both sides of the coin regarding Father's Day. I was lucky to have the wonderful dad I did and Father's Days were happy for me growing up and they remain happy with the memory I have of my dad. I also experienced, the sadness of Father's Day with my son. His dad was around for a very short period of his life. There are probably very few memories he has of him.

When my son was little, he would ask "Mom, where's my dad?" "Mom, when's my dad coming?" And even though, the words that went thru my mind were not so kind regarding his dad...I would usually say "Ants, your dad has problems or he has a sickness." "But, whether your dad is here or not, you are going to be ok". I also told him that whether or not I was there, he would be ok. I never wanted anyone to treat Anthony with pity because his dad wasn't around, as i thought that he could use it as an excuse in the future, as I had seen so many people who's parents were either dead or not around. I didn't want him to blame his future on something he had no control over.  So my words, every time something was not perfect or when he thought he was lacking something, my words were "but you're ok"  ......you'll always be ok!   

I remember hearing once, on the radio, that kids that come from single parent family homes, were more apt to getting in trouble, dropping out of school, drug and liquor abuse... and i was not going to have this. I've always gone against generalizations or negative beliefs. All I knew that this was not going to happen in my house and i never wanted my son to be told these horrible things. I was going to raise the strongest man possible. What I did was make Anthony responsible for his actions. I know I didn't know everything along the way, its been and is still a learning process. One where we needed to use common sense and I learned a lot from observing other families and how they had raised their sons. It hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been so hard either.

We should all be thankful for our kids' dads, without them we wouldn't have our babies. Be especially thankful to them if they've been there for their kids . If not, be thankful for the father figures in their lives, whether grandpas, uncles, friends, cousins, and step-dads. Happy Father's Day to everyone! Don't take your kids for granted, whether you're mom or dad or both...because before long, you're going to be a lonely old person, wishing you had been a part of their lives. Its never too late to start! Pick up the phone....just do it! I promise you won't regret it :)

Music...

If you're my friend on Facebook, you know that i post music a lot. I have different tastes in music.

When i was little, I listened to the music my mom played on the radio...to my dad's music in the truck, to the music that the people played on the jukebox in my grandpa's bar.

I have many favorites... My first album was Bobby Sherman, Julie Julie Do You Love Me, my uncle Abby gave it to me. I can still picture the living room and where we were all standing when he gave it to me. Then i went on to bigger and better things like Donny Osmond...boy was i in love with him.

Then came my junior high years, and all the top 40's music that i listened to with Julie, Christy, Tammy, Rosalie, LaVerne, Michael Sandoval, Johnny Sandoval. Good times! Good memories.

Then came my first introduction to funk and R&B like Parliament, Cameo, Switch, ConfunkShun, Earth Wind & Fire, Lakeside, and on and on, from my friends Danny, Bob, Dominic, Paul G, Paul M, Paul P, Kenny, Wayne and the DeCaspars, my best buddy Claudette and all the Eastsiders in Springs. That music was the best. I remember dancing to that good old music at house parties and singing at the top of my lungs with whoever would sing along with me! Fun times.

Then came my Denver days...and the clubs, SOS Band, Prince, Michael Jackson, Midnight Star and on and on. Those were my dancing days!

Then my brother's were old enough to turn me on to their music. Hair bands and metal. Bon Jovi, Metallica, Queensryche, Ozzy, Skid Row, Van Halen - those were my metal concert days with my brothers and Tony.

Also, during this time I was married in Denver and all the great tunes were playing...Keith Sweat, Stevie B, Dino, Seduction, and Tone Toni Tony (has done it again) lol...plus all the other cool bands.

Then I moved back to San Luis,, and then came Tupac..and all that thug music was playing in my car

Then, the best part of my life came to be. I was exposed to beautiful Spanish music. I met a man, in a chat room and he exposed me to Enrique Iglesias, Chayanne, and so many artists. Since then, its the music I like best. I am always looking for a beautiful song to play over and over again and learn the lyrics so I can sing it baby (its also helped me with my spanish)

Then i was exposed to gothic music thru my brother Michelangelo, as his band Skapegoat opened for Lacuna Coil and i fell in love with their music. Since then, I use this type of music to write.

Miami brought me salsa, merengue, reggaeton, and more Enrique Iglesias :) and more spanish music from other countries, whether it be love songs, like Alex Ubago's, or Spanish Rock like Mago de Oz..i just can't get enough!

Now my son brings to me his music, and i share mine with him. He grew up with my music, and i'll grow old with his.

My ipod consists of all that music and more....yes, from bubble gum, to r&B, to rap, to 70's top hits, to 80's rock, to 90's thug and hip hop, to the new spanish music along with newly discovered old spanish songs to the latest club music... its what makes me Mona...and Mona me!

I sometimes wonder....who would i be today if I hadn't been exposed to the music that fills my veins and soul! I definitely would not be as colorful! So when i post a song...i'm either trying to learn the lyrics or sing a long...If you hear me singing, it may be out of tune, but you know that it's because it meant so much to me that i just had to learn those lyrics that touch my heart!

Me...Mona...Ramona... Monalisa...Mo

Just a little about me!

I’m Mona to friends back home and to very few people I’ve gotten close to in Miami. I'm Mona to My Miguel, and to my chose friends from Spain.  But, when I first meet them I am Ramona.  The reason I don’t tell people my name is Mona in Miami or even in Spain, is because if they speak spanish, Mona means monkey, or doll or other things in different countries.

I’m Ramona in Miami to my co-workers and clients. I also realized that some of my classmates from back home call me Ramona. It was funny to hear them call me that, thought they knew me as Mona.

Monalisa, is my alter ego. She’s the wild me, the crazy me, the me that won't hold back…the free me...the creative me!. Monalisa…to my internet friends, and even people who just have to add the Lisa to Mona, like when i was a little girl and had my mom’s friends singing the famous Monalisa song to me. I hated it then, but today i welcome it!  Also Mona Lisa comes from Mona because of Ramona and Lisa was the name I chose when I was confirmed.  So yeah, it's really my name. :)  My chosen name!

The only one who calls me this in Miami is Dani, Anthony’s best friend. And he does it with the cutest little twist ever… he always says “Hey…Monalisa” I think its so cute.  Anthony started calling me Monalisa too...and says it just like Dani... it's kinda funny.

Mo…is for people who know Mo…Me! To my nieces and nephews I’m Auntie Mo…to my brothers and sister and brother in law and sisters in law, cousins, aunts and uncles and mom….I’m just plain old Mo! Mo is the one you know that loves you…..and you love too! The crybaby…the one who’s going to give you advice, whether you like it or not, the one who truly cares about you!

Oh…i almost forgot. If you ask my nieces or brothers and cousins, they may have a crazy name they call me…like Modia, Boner, Moninsky, Bona, there is always something new coming out of our crazy mouths!

So here i go…… call me what you want. Some days you may hear from Mona…other days Ramona may take over the conversation…on the days Monalisa is here, you’ll know. And a piece of Mo….will just be added to what the others have to express.

Multiple personalities you say? Nope..just me and the complex person you will soon get to know! I told my friend the other day, if i start talking too much…shut my mouth with kisses. But, if i starting talking too much for you…just click on X…till next time! lol