UNFINISHED BUSINESS...

So... I just wrote a facebook post...

and I said,

we'll always have unfinished business...

and it made me think of the words in the movie

The Notebook

"it wasn't over... it still isn't over"

And yes, it's what I know

and am certain of.

but... my mind and heart

are no longer weak

where I thrive on those thoughts

and am no longer needy of him

Although I miss him, just like I told him.

I miss him lots...

but I'm ok.

I read last night... an article that said

if it was the  right person, it wouldn't be the wrong time.

It really made me think.

In fact it put me in my place.

A place I needed to be

Another place of deep realization

because i'm always trying to find meaning

I have to find meaning in us

the article I read... expanded on what I had already realized

about us.

You know...

so many times we fight for love..

we love people desperately

and they don't love us in the way we need to be loved at that moment

the way we're loving them

and it causes us so much pain.

and the part of me... that realizes why everything happened the way it

was so that I could grow and be a better person

and discover more

and help others more

and just have a fuller life

it all needed to happen to bring us all to where we are today

but the part of me that fantasizes

and knows that we will be together one day

was slapped into thinking something differently last night

After reading that article

I realized, that maybe he isn't the right person

because he would do everything to never lose me

I think that's what I want now

is proof that he loves me

i want to see what he would do to never lose me

it's what I wanted last  year when i was going thru the whole cancer thing

I just needed to know I was loved.

And honestly... I didn't feel it where I needed to feel it most.

And not because i was loved less,

but I realized how little I actually was receiving before that

and i just wanted and needed more

and it's why i'm going away, in a sense

not because I don't love him

not because i'm tired of him

Only because I want to be loved

the way I want to be loved

the way I deserve to be loved

and also...

I want to be loved, the way I love.

bits and pieces no longer suffice

and cancer, yes taught me to do with or without it

even though I love with everything that embodies my heart, soul, body....

every thing.

I won't settle anymore.

first and foremost, for anyone less than he is

and secondly... for bits and pieces of him

I need to feel loved.

and the way he loves me hasn't changed.

I changed.

And all I realize now, is if we are the right person for each other

we will eventually make it the right time

But... time will pass...

And someday... everything will fall into place

with him or without him

I talked about my dreams today

and he asked... will there be a position for me?

I said, "you'll be the supervisor

because what I do, I dream of doing for us.   Me, You, my child, your child."

It's how I think.

He asked about my procedures
and I told him the plans
but I told him he couldn't see me until he did something
to see me, to take me to another place in Spain
to come to Miami.
I blocked him from all my pictures on social media
except my profile photos
because I won't allow him to see me anymore
No... No.
and I told him so

And so I spoke... freely, no limitations, nothing holding me back.

It's who he fell in love with.

but...again we dreamt together,

He said he'd be here at 5.

I said I'd have his clothes ironed for the wedding tonight

He asked what we would do

I told him

I'd wear my pretty black polka dot skirt I bought in Murcia

the one he saw

and we'd dance

and we'd laugh

and talk 

and laugh

and just have fun, like we know how

and then we'd run away from the crowd

and run to the beach and walk and talk and dream and laugh

and then we'd find our way to a place where we are at peace..

alone... in each other's arms.

yeah... these silly dreams

are a part of the reality we can't live right now

and haven't lived, except for moments at a time

but they are dreams we know that someday will come true.

but nothing will happen...

until it is the right time.

because I know and I know he knows

we are the right person

we met at the right time

to grow

to learn

to teach

to feel love and to love

to become our best

All I can say is it's hard to say good-bye

or stop being who we are

but... again i will say

if we don't change...nothing changes!

now to see what life has unfolding before me

I'm excited at all the beauty that is coming to me

yes... easily and effortlessly

and our paths will cross, when they're meant to cross...

we both know it.

but the part of this whole realization i made

is I'm no longer putting my life on hold

just like I told him I had to catch up when he is running,

he'll catch up to me in life.

more to come...

GOODBYE...IN A LETTER.

(the letter he will never receive, because he already knows them in
the silent words of my absence)



Goodbye My Miguel, my dear, sweet, beautiful Miguel.

I said I was leaving what we have behind, on our first day I saw you last month.

And on the last day, when you held me in your arms,

I again said it.

I know, that so many times I said, I was going to go,

in the midst of our time together

I always said it and never could follow thru on what I promised.

Now... I'm different.

And although I don't know if you sense it yet, only because of how every trip

that we're together, we end it the same

Good-bye...I love you

and we try, and we try and we try

to stay away from each other.

We don't call... because of all the reasons,
we try to follow thru on what we've said.

ok.   but this time I'm different.

Different...because a part of me can't go on like this anymore

I've realized over the last year, just how alone I am

Yes, you may love me from the other side of the ocean,

but it's not enough. 

I told you many things, when we were together.

I told you of all that you brought to my life.

I told of you all that you helped me to realize I am, just because you loved me

And because I loved you

Loving you was like flying

I was free

to dance under the moon

I was free to create all the crazy things I did... for us.

But, I can't do this anymore

I'm tired.

And like you said to me... you knew I was tired.

I remember one day,  you said, you could do this forever.

But it wasn't right.

For all the reasons it wasn't right, it was beautiful for more.

I always say that for the reasons it was not right, 

they were also the reasons I loved you more.

I know you'll miss me 

when you see a falling star

when you see the full moon above you

and on those dark rainy days.

You'll think of me when you think of Ibiza and paella

and when you see the cute little Fiats driving past you

You'll think of me when you touch yourself,
in all the places only I can touch so perfectly

You'll miss me when your back hurts and
my magical fingers and hands that cure you are no where to be found

you'll miss my stories

you'll miss the life in me, and how it gave you the desire to live more

you'll miss the look in my eyes... when I see you look at me

you'll miss the face you loved... and all the expressions only you know

you'll miss me when you hear Enrique's songs
and all the songs I sang to you, out of tune

you'll miss my tenderness

and my playfulness

and the peace you felt in my arms

you'll miss my words, and all that I create
you'll miss my child-like ways, that brought the child out of you

but one thing you will always miss is the true unconditional love that I felt for you

and how I always made you feel appreciated

and desirable...

and me....... I'll miss you every waking hour of every day.

because I wake up and you're one of my first thoughts...

and before I fall asleep, you're one of the last.

but most of all I'll miss you in my dreams... my waking dreams...

where I constantly create our next beautiful moments...

and our forever...

I don't blame you... I don't blame me.

because all I've done I did with every ounce of my being

because I loved you with all of me

It's just time now.

I try to make sense of it.

But I've realized what happened, 

and all that didn't happen,

was meant to be this way.

It had to be...

Because I needed to get to where I am now, in so many ways

And if it hadn't happened, I would be a different person today.

And that is why I'm letting go with such determination

because I know that I need to accomplish so much

And I feel that this love was weighing me down

It had me trapped

I was saving the best parts of me, for you.

for only you

and I stopped living... because I lived for you

And now... I need to put all the energy I put into you and me...

into me and my dreams.

y como dice la cancion

"

He decidido escribirte, 

despues de tanto llorar, 

mis lagrimas son hoy estos versos que, 

tu ausencia nunca podra borrar, 

me voy como vine a tu vida, 

sin hacer ruido me despido me voy, 

pero me cuesta tanto olvidarte mi amor, 

me cuesta tanto decirte adios!

Hoy he vuelto a entender que, 

jamas volveran, aquellos paseos 

de vuelta al hotel, 

en que tu me enpujabas 

para no perder, un solo instante en hacer el amor....

(Adios Dulcinea - Mago de Oz)

*****

I used to ask for signs from God and the universe

whether I should stay or move on

and I always got the needed signs to stay

I made justifications for all the reasons we weren't together

and they still today make sense

but

I can't justify any more

I can't ask for signs, although they are all around me

What we have is beautiful

and something we will never get enough of

We will always have unfinished business

it's why for 14 years, we never said good-bye.

And as I go away.. a part of me says no more

And no...it's not no more of us

it's no more, of the little we have

I need more...so I must go.

I believe now is a good time to leave

because I always knew that I always had to leave you with the best of me

I had to leave  you craving me... 

I had to leave you thinking of me only in the most positive of ways

And that is why I must go.

Our love has not died

our love still lives...

so I must go.. and leave you with the best of me

Our last day together, was like one of our first days together, so long ago

Beautiful... free... adventurous...

and giving each other the best of us.

We were happy... and of course we were sad.

You looked at me with those tear filled eyes... 

knowing deep in your heart I had to go, but you'd see me again

And I looked at you with my tear filled eyes... knowing I didn't know when I'd be back

because I knew that I wasn't coming back for a long long time

And I knew... that I had to leave... with you loving me

like I loved you... so that someday... when life changes, and the time comes,

we could find each other...

because what we have left are our beautiful memories

of you... of me... of the us that we became ...

together.

and in a sense.... I have to be the girl who got away

when you think back.

I have to be the one you think of always...wondering where I am

wondering what I'm doing

wondering who has my heart

and all the magic I bring to life

you'll miss my magic...

you'll miss my touch

and all I caused you to feel

you'll miss all that you caused me to be

all that you pulled from the hollows of my soul
and you will feel empty without all that I brought to your world
all the beautiful stories and dreams we created
and fantasies of being together

and maybe someday... like I told you

you will come for me

you will find me

you will show up at my door

and like you said, you'd come one day early

to watch me in my world

to see what i do without me knowing

and maybe on that day, when you are finally in front of me

in my world

I can be yours again...

the woman you called Mia...

So now... 

our love story ends...

and maybe it's not the end

but a new beginning

You will live in my heart...as I know I will live in yours

And maybe someday... I won't be the girl who got away

but the girl... who when it was time,

became yours...

Good-bye my sweet love...

My Miguel.... 

from your Mia... 

always!

WHEN IS TOO SOON?

Ok... so, I came back from Spain convinced that I am going to move on... 

That who I have saved myself for all these years, I won't save myself more.  And I'm moving on.

For so many reasons I came to the realization that it's what I need to do.

I came to the decision or realization in October, after my radiation treatments were done, thinking "If I don't change, nothing will ever change"   And it's what I thought about the man I loved most in my life.

I wanted more... and last year's cancer experience taught me so much.  

and the most important thing was that I am most important in my life.

Yes... Me!

You may think this is selfish, but it's not.   In fact it's the best thing anyone can do.

I realized that giving so much of ourselves, leaves us empty.   If we live for other people and don't truly take care of what is most important for ourselves, we get lost.

And if we are not our best, financially, physically, emotionally, when we're faced with the greatest challenges of our lives....many times we find ourselves alone.   

And in many ways, I was alone.

And I realized I needed more.

But where was I going to find more?

Where I truly wanted and needed it, I was not getting it.

I realized that the way I loved, I wasn't loved in return.

for whatever reasons... I was not being fought for.

i needed to feel that the ones I loved were fighting not to lose me

and i didn't feel it.

i felt so alone.

And yes, the ones i loved were there for me in a sense.

But I needed so much more.

and people came out of the walls to be there for me

to listen to me, bitch, cry, complain

And eventually I became ok.

but this was only after reading a book in December.

And the line i kept reading over and over again was something like this

"everything that is happening, is for my greatest benefit"

and it made all the sense to me, in the world.

Just those few words put everything, that had happened because of cancer, and over the last 13 most important years of my life, into perspective.

I realize, that there was no need to be angry.  There was no reason to be resentful.  There was no reason to grow bitter with hate.  

All I knew that everything I realized or learned over the last year, was actually for my greatest benefit.

and then, I was at peace.

At peace, because I realized that I could not control or change anything.  The only thing I could control or change was me.

And in the realization, I was ok with what had happened.   I knew that what had happened, before was so that I could be where I was today, in so many ways.  

If things had happened the way I wanted them to, I would not be who I am today.

and so this had to mean that all that was happening, was so that I could grow.  So I could be more.  So I could be happier.  And so I could find a greater love and more success in life.

Ok, I was different.  Last year was my hardest year financially, physically, and for all the reasons of the heart and mind. 

The financial and physical were something that took years to get to, because of bad decisions, and not taking care of me!!!!

But the reasons of the heart and mind... were nothing new.  They were just huge realizations I made, because of what I was going thru.   I needed more.   I wanted more.

And so I changed.

and i'm back now, with goals I have to meet.  With dreams I need to accomplish. 

and with one thing that i'm going to do different.

I finally want to meet someone else.

I believe in finding friends, someone special will stand out and will win my heart.

I actually had saved myself for My Miguel... the last 7 years.

Wow... but yeah.  Unbelievable.   Maybe.   

but if you truly know me... I am so very faithful when I love someone.

So anyway.  I don't want to save myself for him anymore. 

Why?  Why should I.  I realize he doesn't deserve all that I am and all that I have done for him.   Nope Nope Nope.

So... I started.

And, I wonder how does a person meet new people.   I know we have to get out.  But, in all actuality, men smile and say hello.  But crossing paths, with a hello and a smile is not how i remember it being done.   and in a city, you get lost and you're lucky if you see that person again.   

I'm trying to remember, how I did it before.   Ok, back in the  younger days, it was going to a club, meet someone, exchange numbers, call, etc etc.

But I don't want to be at clubs.   And I actually don't want to meet someone who is out to meet someone.   I don't want to meet someone hungry or desperate.   

The other day at Ikea, I saw a beautiful perfect man, with older 2 teenage sons.   and yes, my perfect might be different than your perfect, but we smiled. and lingered in the same area, smiling, and smiling more etc.     Then I had to move forward because Anthony was moving forward, and i felt like a fool, there were only so many candles i could keep smelling and looking at lol.   but as I drove away, I thought... why didn't you say something?  Anything... 

But I didn't.   So I wonder, how is it done?

I remember how I met my Miguel.  Ok, it was online.   But he was the one that was timid in a room with 4 other guys who were his friends.  He was not the one who did all the laughing and made the advances.  And that's the kind of guy I like.   But I didn't realize it till then or maybe the last few years.

I watched a movie.  With Russell Crowe - A Beautiful Mind.

In the movie, he and his friends are out and there is this beautiful blonde.   All his friends are hot for her and want to meet her, but he calculates the possibility of who would take her home.  Then he goes for her dark haired friend.

I thought about this many times.   Because actually, My Miguel, is no one I would have never flirted with.  He is not the one I would have probably gone after.   And if he had not chased me and had not refused to let me slip away, I would have never gotten to know the man who changed my life, and who changed my heart, and the way I look at life.

As I wrote that last paragraph, my eyes filled with tears.   Because in my heart, I only want and need him.   But life won't let us be together, and I can either live what I've lived the last 7 years of my life.... and the first year and a half that I met him.   Or I can move on.  

So, my only choice is, I have to move on.

Because I refuse to keep living that life alone, a million miles away. 

When I was in his arms... and he in mine... I was brave.   Our first and last days together were beautiful.   One of the things that made them beautiful, is because I was me.  I was not hiding my feelings, i said everything I had to say.  I did everything I had to do and I was able to walk away feeling like I left him with the best of me.  Just like I did when I left Ibiza, nearly 14 years ago.  And leaving him with the best of me, empowered me.   It empowered me because I knew he would never forget those moments and all that I told him.

So I walked away happy.

I've made a decision to not be his anymore.  I can't be.

And that's why I'm looking.

Not desperately.

But I'm looking.

I don't want to be alone anymore.

It's been too long, although my heart felt complete in so many ways because of the love I had for My Miguel...   but today, it is not enough.

I'm more open.  I talk more.  I smile more.

And then I wonder.

When I meet someone, and we talk and get together, should I say I had cancer last year?

Should I talk about my surgery and the tumor and the reconstruction and the radiation and all the stuff that came with cancer?  Will I tell them I have 2 different boobs.   One new and cute, the other older and the real me.

or will it scare someone away?

So that's my question, how soon is too soon?

And I don't ask it about having sex... because sex will wait till the most perfect moment.  Hey, that's the way it is supposed to be, especially if they're even worth dating a 2nd time.  Then they can wait, until it's perfect.   Yup, that's how I think it should be.  And it's how it will be.

I guess, i have to answer my own question and say that I'll know when the time is right.

The only thing I truly know... is I can and will wait till I feel the next person is special enough to be with me.   I won't settle because I want to be with someone.  I won't settle for someone to help me pay the bills.  I won't settle because I need to feel needed or loved.  

I will only settle for what my hearts feel as something that came a long to make it feel a little more complete.

I told My Miguel last night, 14 years from the day we met.   That because of my love for him, I learned so much.   and it was not him who taught me, it was the love I had for him that caused me to search out how to be better for me and better for him.   It taught me to be create and happy and adventurous and made me feel so  young, I felt like I could do the impossible, and it's what I had to give him too.

I told him, that he did not teach me these things...   but the love and my desire to make him smile, is what pushed me to be more.

And it will continue to push me to be more.   Because I know what love truly feels like.  I know what it is to love with every ounce of my being.  

And I told him...  the next guy that can win my heart will be very lucky because of all I learned by loving you so much.  (el proximo que puede conquistar mi corazon va tener mucha suerte, por lo que aprendi por quererte tanto).   He agreed.   How could he not.  He told me I was his fantasy.   

But fantasies are only fantasies, and I'm tired of living a beautiful dream.

I told him it was time for me to wake up from the dreams we created, from the illusions we painted... and I need to move forward.   He can stay where he feels content forever thinking of me, and wondering.   Wishing... he had taken better care of me. 

I know him, so I say these words with all the confidence in the world.

Sometimes

we have to change so that things will change.

He walked away that last day, with Forever... in his hands.  I took a picture of him as he left the hotel with the book in his hand.   And in the book I wrote.   "I will no longer wait for you, but if someday you need me, I'll be there." 

and of course, I told him to look for my kisses in the wind.

I changed... and now things will change and work out perfectly... 

just like I knew they always would.