Today... woke up, just like every other day...
Happy to be alive... because of the obstacles I've overcome since the beginning of the year.
Today, November, 2015. Wow. When I think of this month, first of all I think of this being the month I found the lump in my breast 4 years ago. Yup... 4 years this month.
3 1/2 years before I actually had it removed.
Anyway, that's another story... but today and for so many weeks I've realized I'm different. And no... not in how I look, although I have changed physically because of the cancer and surgeries. But, more so I know how I've changed inside.
I lately have remembered how I "use to be" yes... the person I was before. With so much life in me. I wanted to create, I wanted to share, I wanted to inspire, and lately I've been like a straight line. No emotion, unless it was anger or sadness.
But I realized I had lost the happy me. The me that had so much desire to live and create and inspire and I knew I was going to have all I desired.
I was scared in the beginning of this cancer journey not knowing if I'd live to see another year. And now that not all that much happened... I'm in a weird situation.
I don't know why.
Today I listened to a recording made by a daughter of one of my old friends who died this year. She talked about loss, and about not letting it overcome us and take us over.
She talked about our hearts needing to remain open, even through all the pain that life brings to us. She talked about what she has learned through the loss of her dad. She says that we have a choice to be happy, even when we lose the people we love most, we have to find the good in what we lost and take it and share it with the world.
She talks about when we feel alone and are by ourselves, we need to pray, then surround ourselves with people who truly care. She talks about having to feel pain in order for us to grow, or to have understanding... for us to be stronger or to follow our dreams and to trust that God has a plan for us.
Then she said she tries to take the kindness in her dad's heart and share it with the world. And I realize that in sharing the good we've experienced, even when we no longer have that good at our side, we are keeping it alive in ourselves.
I felt her most powerful words were these "through hope, may you find sunshine and rainbows." Because in the bad, we must always have hope, and in hope we will find what brings us smiles and peace.
It's the first thing I saw on my facebook feed this morning, as her aunt had shared it. I believe it was the first thing I saw because it was something I needed to hear, because in hearing this, I was inspired and again it caused me to awaken a bit more. Her words were the medicine I needed and kinda like a song I had to hear.
Over the last several months, I have changed so much. I feel like a part of me died. The best part of me. Only because of realizations I made, for some of the things or people I held most dear in my heart.
But yesterday, I called My Miguel. Something I had chosen not to do for a few weeks. I decided if I didn't change... nothing would ever change. So I stopped looking for him, and realized if he wanted me in his life, he would look for me.
But yesterday, I couldn't fight the urge. And yes, I picked up the phone and called him. He answered with that happy voice I know so well.. He knew it was me of course...seeing my number on his screen before he answered.
But he told me he was walking to the hotel, where we have spent so much time together. He had to go there for a work event, but he thought it was funny that I'd call him as he walked there. I agreed it was funny to me too. I of course, in my silly ways, asked him if he could see me at the window waiting for him to arrive, and if he was coming up to the room. He of course said yes with that happy laugh, and I laughed too. Both knowing it was just another one of our fantasies because we remain oceans apart.
Then my friend posted a photo on my feed for the comment I left about it, that said "She loved him and he loved her, but it wasn't that simple" Then she said, that it reminded her of me and who knows... might not be the same if we were actually together.
First, I realized what an appropriate photo for us... then I commented that I had thought that many times throughout the years, but what he did to me, when I was with him, when I looked into his eyes or when I heard the smile in his voice, he made me feel alive.
After I wrote that I went to shower, I had just done 3 miles on the treadmill and had to get ready for my day. But I remembered something so long ago, that he told me when we were living out our wildest dreams of finally being together.
"This is just a vacation, this is not real life"
I never forgot those words. But as I think of them now... I am sad for him but happy that I'm learning in such few words, the realization of how life should really be.
Why do we take vacations, yes to get away, yes to experience different things. But why do we let the novelty fade as we get back to "our realities". Why do we not feed off all the beautiful we experienced, to make our lives better to appreciate the good in our lives, to continue creating and to work harder to always be on vacation, even if we're not.
Because in all reality......it's only our perception. And what he perceives in those few words "this is just a vacation, this is not real life" is that he can have fun, but then get back to the mundane, living with dreams of the vacations filled with love and life. The moments that we shared to take him forward and maybe help to deal with what ever reality he choses to live in.
Wow... my writing, my topic, my thoughts are all over the place. It's kind of how I've been the last few months, not able to concentrate on one thing. Jumping from one thing to another. My brain has been fogged, my thinking inconsistent. Why? I could blame it on the radiation, I could blame it on cancer, I could blame it on fear, and all the other things that could easily blamed for my reality. Yes, the reality that sometimes only my thoughts create.
And although they may have a role in what i'm going through now and what i've been going through... I can't allow them to control me anymore. I need to let go.
It's funny I say, "let go". But it's what I've been doing with so much of what was the most important to me before this journey began.
I think in letting go, we find peace. We are not trying to manipulate or control situations or people. Because in manipulating and controlling, we, many times, are left empty and then anger and sadness results.
In the end... I go back to what I realized this morning. And from the words of a broken hearted daughter because she no longer has her dad near her, I realized again, that during the most difficult time of our lives we have to take control. Control of ourselves, our happiness, and push ourselves to move forward, pull ourselves up from the sadness that envelopes us. It's a must... a have to... or we will wither.
We need to survive and push forward, as hard as it may seem, even when we want to lay down and die, relieving ourselves from all the pain we are experiencing, we have to do it. Yes, for us... but sometimes, we may not seem enough, so then we must look toward the people who truly love us... and then, turn it back on ourselves and know that we are worthy of all the beauty that life once gave us, and will continue to give us if we fight for it.
I know that when we lose someone, or something, even ourselves... we will forever search to find bits and peace of what we lost. It's our way of bringing these things back, it's our way of reliving what we so truly miss.
Is it wrong?... no. If it were, we wouldn't have memories. And what we live and what we carry forward are what make us who we are today.
We will go through ups and downs... happy times, sad times. But we have to know that we will come out stronger than ever before. It's what whoever, or whatever, we lost, even the best us... would want for us.
So, we can't lose the hope. We have to know with every ounce of our being, that it may not get easier, but we will become stronger to get through those moments of total despair and sadness. And this includes reliving the good that we once lived.
So for me... it's time that I find those rose colored glasses, and put them on, with super glue, so they stay on permanently... so I can get back to me...the best me... and become an even better me, as I take the best from the worst... and become what I'm meant to be, and find what is meant for me.
No other choice... right? No other choice!!! And honestly...who would want to settle for anything less. Because in all the shades of gray that we are forced upon or that we
allow to enter our lives, there are colorful linings... beautiful reds, and blues, and yellows and greens and all the colors that we allow to paint our lives colorful.
Time to stretch, and let the sun shine in!
<3 <3 <3 <3
*4 hearts*
Happy to be alive... because of the obstacles I've overcome since the beginning of the year.
Today, November, 2015. Wow. When I think of this month, first of all I think of this being the month I found the lump in my breast 4 years ago. Yup... 4 years this month.
3 1/2 years before I actually had it removed.
Anyway, that's another story... but today and for so many weeks I've realized I'm different. And no... not in how I look, although I have changed physically because of the cancer and surgeries. But, more so I know how I've changed inside.
I lately have remembered how I "use to be" yes... the person I was before. With so much life in me. I wanted to create, I wanted to share, I wanted to inspire, and lately I've been like a straight line. No emotion, unless it was anger or sadness.
But I realized I had lost the happy me. The me that had so much desire to live and create and inspire and I knew I was going to have all I desired.
I was scared in the beginning of this cancer journey not knowing if I'd live to see another year. And now that not all that much happened... I'm in a weird situation.
I don't know why.
Today I listened to a recording made by a daughter of one of my old friends who died this year. She talked about loss, and about not letting it overcome us and take us over.
She talked about our hearts needing to remain open, even through all the pain that life brings to us. She talked about what she has learned through the loss of her dad. She says that we have a choice to be happy, even when we lose the people we love most, we have to find the good in what we lost and take it and share it with the world.
She talks about when we feel alone and are by ourselves, we need to pray, then surround ourselves with people who truly care. She talks about having to feel pain in order for us to grow, or to have understanding... for us to be stronger or to follow our dreams and to trust that God has a plan for us.
Then she said she tries to take the kindness in her dad's heart and share it with the world. And I realize that in sharing the good we've experienced, even when we no longer have that good at our side, we are keeping it alive in ourselves.
I felt her most powerful words were these "through hope, may you find sunshine and rainbows." Because in the bad, we must always have hope, and in hope we will find what brings us smiles and peace.
It's the first thing I saw on my facebook feed this morning, as her aunt had shared it. I believe it was the first thing I saw because it was something I needed to hear, because in hearing this, I was inspired and again it caused me to awaken a bit more. Her words were the medicine I needed and kinda like a song I had to hear.
Over the last several months, I have changed so much. I feel like a part of me died. The best part of me. Only because of realizations I made, for some of the things or people I held most dear in my heart.
But yesterday, I called My Miguel. Something I had chosen not to do for a few weeks. I decided if I didn't change... nothing would ever change. So I stopped looking for him, and realized if he wanted me in his life, he would look for me.
But yesterday, I couldn't fight the urge. And yes, I picked up the phone and called him. He answered with that happy voice I know so well.. He knew it was me of course...seeing my number on his screen before he answered.
But he told me he was walking to the hotel, where we have spent so much time together. He had to go there for a work event, but he thought it was funny that I'd call him as he walked there. I agreed it was funny to me too. I of course, in my silly ways, asked him if he could see me at the window waiting for him to arrive, and if he was coming up to the room. He of course said yes with that happy laugh, and I laughed too. Both knowing it was just another one of our fantasies because we remain oceans apart.
Then my friend posted a photo on my feed for the comment I left about it, that said "She loved him and he loved her, but it wasn't that simple" Then she said, that it reminded her of me and who knows... might not be the same if we were actually together.
First, I realized what an appropriate photo for us... then I commented that I had thought that many times throughout the years, but what he did to me, when I was with him, when I looked into his eyes or when I heard the smile in his voice, he made me feel alive.
After I wrote that I went to shower, I had just done 3 miles on the treadmill and had to get ready for my day. But I remembered something so long ago, that he told me when we were living out our wildest dreams of finally being together.
"This is just a vacation, this is not real life"
I never forgot those words. But as I think of them now... I am sad for him but happy that I'm learning in such few words, the realization of how life should really be.
Why do we take vacations, yes to get away, yes to experience different things. But why do we let the novelty fade as we get back to "our realities". Why do we not feed off all the beautiful we experienced, to make our lives better to appreciate the good in our lives, to continue creating and to work harder to always be on vacation, even if we're not.
Because in all reality......it's only our perception. And what he perceives in those few words "this is just a vacation, this is not real life" is that he can have fun, but then get back to the mundane, living with dreams of the vacations filled with love and life. The moments that we shared to take him forward and maybe help to deal with what ever reality he choses to live in.
Wow... my writing, my topic, my thoughts are all over the place. It's kind of how I've been the last few months, not able to concentrate on one thing. Jumping from one thing to another. My brain has been fogged, my thinking inconsistent. Why? I could blame it on the radiation, I could blame it on cancer, I could blame it on fear, and all the other things that could easily blamed for my reality. Yes, the reality that sometimes only my thoughts create.
And although they may have a role in what i'm going through now and what i've been going through... I can't allow them to control me anymore. I need to let go.
It's funny I say, "let go". But it's what I've been doing with so much of what was the most important to me before this journey began.
I think in letting go, we find peace. We are not trying to manipulate or control situations or people. Because in manipulating and controlling, we, many times, are left empty and then anger and sadness results.
In the end... I go back to what I realized this morning. And from the words of a broken hearted daughter because she no longer has her dad near her, I realized again, that during the most difficult time of our lives we have to take control. Control of ourselves, our happiness, and push ourselves to move forward, pull ourselves up from the sadness that envelopes us. It's a must... a have to... or we will wither.
We need to survive and push forward, as hard as it may seem, even when we want to lay down and die, relieving ourselves from all the pain we are experiencing, we have to do it. Yes, for us... but sometimes, we may not seem enough, so then we must look toward the people who truly love us... and then, turn it back on ourselves and know that we are worthy of all the beauty that life once gave us, and will continue to give us if we fight for it.
I know that when we lose someone, or something, even ourselves... we will forever search to find bits and peace of what we lost. It's our way of bringing these things back, it's our way of reliving what we so truly miss.
Is it wrong?... no. If it were, we wouldn't have memories. And what we live and what we carry forward are what make us who we are today.
We will go through ups and downs... happy times, sad times. But we have to know that we will come out stronger than ever before. It's what whoever, or whatever, we lost, even the best us... would want for us.
So, we can't lose the hope. We have to know with every ounce of our being, that it may not get easier, but we will become stronger to get through those moments of total despair and sadness. And this includes reliving the good that we once lived.
So for me... it's time that I find those rose colored glasses, and put them on, with super glue, so they stay on permanently... so I can get back to me...the best me... and become an even better me, as I take the best from the worst... and become what I'm meant to be, and find what is meant for me.
No other choice... right? No other choice!!! And honestly...who would want to settle for anything less. Because in all the shades of gray that we are forced upon or that we
allow to enter our lives, there are colorful linings... beautiful reds, and blues, and yellows and greens and all the colors that we allow to paint our lives colorful.
Time to stretch, and let the sun shine in!
<3 <3 <3 <3
*4 hearts*
