Just thinking...

Talking with my friend the other day....he asked "how many married couples do you know that are truly happy". It took a while for me to answer. And honestly, there weren't many I could think of.

Being who I am...and how I think deeper than others may, it made me sad.

I then asked him the same question, and his answer was also very few, if any at all. So my next question was...why? He said it may be due to our expectations in life. I thought about it....

In thinking about this, i veered off and began to wonder why people cheat on their spouses.

I was once married to the biggest cheater of them all. So I know what it feels like to be cheated on. I've also been on the flip side... Nope, i'm not a saint! But I also know I'm not alone in this.

I was talking to a someone the other day, who has cheated. She told me she was happy in her life and couldn't do anything to jeopardize what she has for the person she fools around with. But, it made me wonder why she kept needing this other person, if she was truly happy. And what is more amazing, is she is the one who searches for her lover. I honestly don't think she is truly happy, I think she is trying to convince herself. I truly believe she is not the cheating type, if that makes any sense. I think she stays because of her obligations, but there is a part of her, that would love to be with the person who makes her crazy and thats why she can't let him go. He makes her happy, he makes her smile. Who knows, I haven't come to a conclusion on this one, yet.

I think there are two kinds of cheaters...the screw everything in their path cheaters. And the, accidentally knocked me off my feet cheaters.  Is there a difference? I think so.

The screw everything in their path cheaters...are constantly searching for the next best thing. I really don't think these kinds of cheaters will ever be fulfilled. I once had a friend who had a cheating husband, who at the time, compared him to my cheating husband.

She had a friend who was a psychologist, and she confided in him about seeing her husband at a club with another girl. The psychologist asked her to describe the girl, she did, and the girl was a typical bar drunk. The psychologist friend told her that most men will go for someone who is usually beneath or below what they believe their wife is, because its what they think they truly deserve. In her case, she knew it was true. And in all cases, but one, in my marriage, I also knew it was true. This was also confirmed by my husband. He told me the reason he did it, was because he knew that someday I would realize that I was better than him and I would leave him. Why couldn't he see me for who I really was....that had never even crossed my mind.

As far as the other type of cheater, who is true to their life and just happened to stumble across someone that rocked their world, I don't think they are typical. I think sometimes in our lives...we become bored. Then all of a sudden, someone shows up, that makes us feel special or desired or just makes us feel our point of view matters.... and, it provides something that we are no longer getting at home, if we ever did.

But this type who cheats may find someone who is all they've ever dreamed of.   All that they desire.   This is the type that is dangerous....because when you find someone like that it is so hard to let go, if you ever do.   Whether it lasts or whether it ends....that person will forever haunt your soul and have your heart.  

I knew someone once, who was married, and who's wife was extremely moody. She was insecure and not happy. Most of their time was spent mad or unhappy. The wife didn't smile much, not only with him, but with others. He was a happy type. Jokester. Eventually he cheated on her. When she finally left him, he found another girl, who was his same personality, happy, jokester. And he was happy. He never cheated on this girl. What I often wondered was... did he cheat because his wife was moody and not really like him personality wise...and the new girl was so much like him, and she made him laugh that he never cheated on her. I think what it comes down to is the "happiness factor". It sucks to be sad and to be with someone moody... ask my ex-husband. lol In the end I was extremely unhappy...and it was probably not very nice living with a grump!

I have another friend, who told me something that went round and round in my head. He said he once had a dog that every time he'd get home, the dog would be so happy it would pee. I grossed out when he told me, but later understood what he meant. He also told me that he would never get married again, until he found a woman like the dog. I'm thinking "a woman who pees when she sees him". But no, he didn't mean it literally. He meant that he would marry the next woman, that would provide him with the sense of knowing that she was the happiest person on this earth when she was with him. I can understand that 100%.

Its the desire in us all to feel needed and loved. When we feel loved, it makes us happy. That's what it was. When we feel those feelings, it makes us bigger. Is that the reason people cheat...to feel needed and desired? Just may be!

This again reminds me of my friend who says she's happy, but still needs her lover, or whatever you want to call him, after years. She says she sees how happy he is to be with her, and that makes her happy. Hmmm....happy? Is it that simple? So...if we're happy at home...then there's no reason to go elsewhere? hmmm... still thinking about it!

Heck, whether committed or single, when someone comes along and lights a fire in us. It makes us crazy. And its so easy to think about leaving everything behind.

But are those moments real...is what we are feeling, worth leaving everything behind for?

In some instances, yes it is. In others, no it isn't. What a person has to do is realize just where you are in your life. Is all you worked for worth giving up for something you are not sure of? Or is it worth leaving all the mundane moments...mundane life behind, to find true happiness. Hmmm. That's a hard one, because how do you know what you feel today is what you will tomorrow? It may be all fireworks today...and bombs tomorrow!

What I think is...when we are in a relationship, we have to take care of each other. We have to make the other feel special. But it has to be both ways. Sometimes one is giving, giving, giving and the other taking, taking, taking. We can't be selfish, we have to make each other feel special and smile. Its so simple, really. I believe we have to show each other we are appreciated. That we're desired. And go the extra mile, to do it. Cuz you never know...when you aren't tending to the chickens, someone else might jump in the chicken coup and ruffle those feathers. Then where will you be...with a puffed out chicken or no chicken at all.

Ok....I'm being silly. But it's the truth. If you don't take care of what's yours, someone else will come along and do it for you. When a person is feeling unappreciated, and worn out by giving so much, and someone comes along and makes you feel gorgeous, or has some kind words to say or even just making you feel understood and that your point of view matters...its that easy. You're hooked! Sad but true.

One of my favorite songs "Treat Her Like a Lady" by Joe...says just that. My favorite part of the song is "now if this dont apply to you, keep doing what you do...and if the shoe fits you well, take a minute to ask yourself, how long will it take before she starts running in the streets" "now see whats old to you, is just like new to the next man, what you don't do for her, she'll find somebody who can, if you don't want to lose out on the best thing you ever had..."

Cheating is not right. I have always said, if you need someone else, then you should have the decency to leave the person you're with to find their true happiness.

I won't judge, and I won't make excuses. And you shouldn't either. Because until you walk in those shoes, you have no idea what it's about. And also, you never know when someone you love will be the victim or the villain, and it could very well be you, if it hasn't been already. And, when we judge, we never know what destiny will place on our doorstep, and it just may be the thing you judged so heavily the day before.

All I know is, life isn't easy. Relationships are hard. But, the thing we have to do is sit ourselves down, and take care of what we have, or let it fly. Two choices...hard as heck, choices. But, it needs to be done

Think with your head, not with your heart. Or...should it be the other way around. Our heart may sometimes lead us to complete happiness. What we can't do is leave our responsibilities unattended to.

So if you are debating on what to do....then take time, analyze your situation. Realize what is really important. Then make a move or stay put.

So back to where I started...are you in a happy relationship? And if not, what can you do to make it better. Is it worth fighting for. If not, is your happiness worth more? Think about it...and do what you have to, to make your life better!

Life staring me in the face...

Ok... I went to the Doctor a couple weeks ago, because I want to be placed back on some meds I took awhile back for a condition I've had since I was 19 that caused me to get cysts on my ovaries. I never go to the Doctor...because I never get sick, and when i do get a little something, I let it go away...

I don't like meds, and it amazes me how some people want meds for everything. Maybe I'm lucky I don't have any ailments, or maybe its I just don't make a big deal of my aches and pains. I've always been strong...I remember my first surgery at 19, my mom wanted me to stay in bed, and she was so upset with me, when she went from my grandmother's restaurant to the bar, which was closed. I had the jukebox playing and was dancing with my little brother.

The nurses were also amazed after I had my ceserean and was sitting with my legs crossed (indian style) on the hospital bed, sitting straight as could be, they said that most women are lying on their backs...I guess I'm just strong and don't think about it much. I do what i have to do. I'm really not a whiner.

Anyway...so the doctor said my check up went well. But my cholesterol was high, as well as the other I thing I went for. So he's sending me to an endocrinologist to work the other thing out. But what remained in my mind more was the cholesterol issue.

I first started asking questions, about what causes it, all he pointed out was red meat. Then i got wonderful information from friends as I asked the question on facebook.

Ok, so what is playing most heavy on my mind. Life and Death!

I don't want to die...I have too much to live for. So many things I need to accomplish before I can say, I'm ready! Is that how we all feel? I think its how we should feel.

I think that we should have an outlook on life that there is so much more out there to live for, to experience, to be happy for.

Yesterday my friend told me a story. He has such interesting stories. He said that The government is now giving out $86,400 a day putting it in our accounts and we have to spend it. We have to spend it on ourselves, our family, our work, etc. Whatever is left over will be taken away. So i'm thinking, how would I spend this much money all in a day???? Then he goes on to say that the government can stop this payment at any time they see fit.

Then he says...each day we are given 84,600 seconds of life. And we have to use them on us, our family, our friends, etc. etc. What we don't use, is lost. So its up to us, to use every second we are given to breath happier breaths. To live to the fullest.

About 4 years ago, I was really in a rut. Not happy in my life, I was fat, I was married to someone I knew I didnt love and it could end at any moment. I was alone, in a city with no family, no friends. Feeling, hopeless at times. Feeling alone. Yet living for my son. Working my rear off. Just living with no real direction.

Then I woke up one day. I knew what I had to do. I needed to find a reason to feel alive. Years before that I met someone who made me feel more alive than I had in many years. He made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. So I looked for him again. It wasnt hard to find him, because he really had never gone very far away. He had tried to keep in contact with me, searched for me, but I pushed him away.

I couldnt let him see who I had become. I never wanted him to see me as a fat, unhappy person. When I say fat, in no way is it in the negative to anyone other than to me. I had gained 45 pounds since I was with him. No way did I want him to see me. Over those years when we would cross paths, I would not let him see me, I would make excuses. One time I let him see me with reading glasses and no make up. I was pushing him away. I remember thinking, look at me now...i'm not who you fell in with. Now, I ask myself why I did it. But I realize I did it because I didnt love myself and how could one of my greatest loves....love the person I had become. I only wanted him to remember the woman he thought was the most beautiful in the world.

Ok, I'm a romantic. That may be the part of me that wanted to preserve his memory of me. But wait...how could that be. Life wasn't over...I knew i could still be attractive. I just had to work on me. So I found him...and I thought, I would use what he did to me, and how he made me feel, to make me strong again. It worked! Little by little, my mind, was getting stronger. I lost about 10 pounds then, but it worked. I was feeling desirable again. I was finding the real me again.

Since that happened a few years ago, I never lost touch with him. Although I do tend to push him away at times. I feel I can't be without his presence, in whatever aspect it may be, as we are on two different continents.

Today, 30 lbs lighter, and with a way to go. I'm happy. He told me the other day, that I'm the person he met many years ago. He told me that he loves to see me happy. He also talked about the few years that I wouldnt talk to him much and how I had changed. I finally confessed, and I told him why. I cried when I told him. But he knows me well enough, that this isn't the first time he sees me cry.

His reaction was one I should have expected from him. He told me that those things didn't matter.

I realize now, that I'm not getting any younger...but I am getting better. My wrinkles are coming out, as well as more white hair. But heck... We are all getting older. What we have to do is stop comparing ourselves to 20 year old models...and to the 25 year old neighbor. I see my friend now, and I see his wrinkles more clearly, I see his body has changed. But what I see most clearly is the sparkle in his eye when he's talking to me and seeing what he brings out in me. He truly makes my eyes sparkle and that is why he never lost my heart. I also know, that what he sees in me is my sparkle that comes from my heart, he tells me I am beautiful, and when he does, my insecurities come tumbling out...and i start pointing at my wrinkles and trying to point out my white hair, but he doesnt care. He still makes me feel beautiful, and I'm realizing he's seeing beyond the wrinkles and changes that age has painted on my face and body. He sees me from the inside out...

So, when i think about life. There are things that I know I have to do before my time is up. Those things are take care of me...the best I can, now and not tomorrow. And look for all the beauty in life. Try not to get too stressed on what I can not control. But try to find happy seconds in all those 86,400 that I'm so blessed with every day. And also, work at making all those things on my bucket list a reality...

We have to be our best at this point in time...so that in a month's time, a year's time or 10 years down the road, we are not regretting the waste of the precious moments we are blessed with.

As one of my favorite song says.... "It's up to you, It's your choice, You only get one shot in life" and if you lose it, it's gonna hurt real bad" The song refers to one shot at love....but I think it holds true for one shot at life. I realized this many years ago, when learning how to raise a child. If you don't do it right...you'll only grow old and have regrets. But that's another story....

The saddest day of my life...

Three years ago, today, was a regular day. I worked, then got ready to go with Anthony to the school open house. We were in our last class, anxious to get out of there.

Then i got the phone call. Dom had been shot. It's funny, but I didn't take it very serious. I thought everything would be ok, just like things always turned out.

We went home...and about an hour or so later...the phone call that changed our lives came in. I answered, and could hear the most horrible sounds at the other end of the line. It was my family crying in horror. I couldn't finish talking to them.... he was dead!

I started screaming to Anthony, Dom's dead, Dom's dead! To see the pain, in my son's face and to feel the crumbling of my heart...my body weakened. I felt a pain I never thought possible. I ran to my room, and I threw myself on my bed and screamed into my pillow...i fell to the floor crying the deepest cry, tearing into my pillow, searching for relief... I couldn't hear Anthony's cries or him punching the refrigerator in anger...

the only thing I heard was me.

The world I knew, had ended. I screamed and cried into my pillow for what seemed like hours...i felt the screams coming from the pit of my stomach...something i had never felt before.

We had lost Dom...but due to how it happened..it made it a million times worse. How could this happen.. I was crying for the loss of my nephew but crying for my brother too. How could this horrible thing have happened.

I was screaming to God...why? Why? Later, I lay in my bed in the dark room...looking at the ceiling, weakened from crying. Yet wishing I was home with the people I love most. I then got some strength and knew what i had to do. I had to be home, so I booked our flight to leave the next day.

When I got home. I knew life would never be the same for my family. One of our babies was gone and our brother was also not there, but in a different way. I gathered my strength from trying to help my son cope, as well as the other kids.

Being home...i felt an emptiness. I had experienced death in our family numerous times, including the experience of my dad being in a coma for almost 6 years...and then dying, was like losing him twice. But the pain, and emptiness that we felt because of Dom...was unlike any other.

What I noticed when we were there, was how people treated us. It was like the entire family had done this to Dom. My only consolation in how we were treated, during this time, was knowing that Dom knew who loved him.

One thing that happened while I was there.  I was talking to one of my best guy friends, since I was 16.   He comes from a family of all boys.   He told me that what had happened to our family was something not uncommon.  Then he went on to tell me of a story that had happened in his family.   He told me of 2 of his brothers who had been fighting horribly.   The dad was so angry that he got his gun and went after one of his sons.   He said his father didn't find the son, and said to me.   That if his father had found the son who was provoking everything, it may have ended differently because he had a gun.   He told me if his dad had found his brother, that it would have been his family there, and not mine.    

I also spoke to someone who told me about her anger and spur of the moment actions that could have ended in disaster because she was so angry with her son and she was in her car and her temper for a second could have caused her to react differently.    

These two conversations made me think about how life, and anger, and spur of the moment reactions can end in disaster.     

I play a song for Dom, one he never heard before. Its a song in spanish, Esta Pasando Noviembre, by Eros Ramazzotti and Amaia Montero...its a beautiful song. It talks about a person who will be 20 always...Dom was 20 when he died. It talks about the person feeling ignored in his life. The person says she wished she would have helped in his life. It says they're hoping that he finds what he is searching for now in another world. It talks about him playing in the sky following a shooting star while he takes a stroll through space ...

I sing this song from the bottom of my heart...and when I do...i look to heaven...to the skies, because I find peace in knowing in my heart that Dom is playing in the skies and he is in a better place, and he will never suffer again.

At the end it says this world is just more lonely without him.

This song touches me deeply because of the lyrics... and just like the person singing, I wish I could have done more for him... That is my only regret!

I know Dom was looking for something in this life...i knew he had a good heart, he had a smile that could charm anyone. The last time I saw him, he had been introduced to some distant cousins at my mom's restaurant, and he was so polite and conversed with them. It made me smile. I was proud of him.

Three years have gone by...and we'll never be the same.

Three years have gone by and the world is a lonelier place without Dom.

My thoughts and prayers for strength are with Jessica and my brother, Brittany and Alejandro, my mom, Rose, my brothers and sister, Tom, Richard, all Dom's cousins, and everyone that loved him!

Dom...here's to you. Again, Auntie Mo talking... and i know what would come out of your mouth...as I so often remind myself of some of your last words you said to me "Aunti Mo, you're too much! I smile now, because you always had that smile when you spoke those words.

Thank you for your smiles...for your laughter, for your silliness and jokester ways. Thank you for the love and respect you showed me always.

I love you hito...always....and this world is so much more lonely without you!

A dream...

9 years ago together with someone, we dreamed up a story I have been writing for as many years...one I need to finish...a story of love, desire, sadness...and a pain filled forever. This very special person helped me discover who I truly am, and again, has revived the person I will be until the day I die...the me, who had been lost in a world of hopelessness...but today only sees a hopeful today...a hopeful tomorrow...a hopeful forever...

~~~~~

In my dream...we live as one...

I wonder how, sometimes. I wonder how one person can have such an affect on our lives, that we sometimes do next to impossible to feel. To experience. To know.

What is it that holds that power over us...I speak in the "us" sense, as it is a way of avoiding saying "me"...

But "me" is who I am talking about.

How do we allow people to affect our lives so much, in which we at times lose all control. Sometimes we do it for a rush...for a feeling of fullness...for being desired...for feeling something we have been searching for all our lives.

Allowing to be controlled, when losing control..is it good? In my case...all control was lost, yet holding on to bits and pieces of the reality that was ours. A reality, only the selfish could have left behind... A reality that was stronger than the beautiful stolen moments in a life filled with sadness.

Moments, that only could come from a fairy tale...moments that could only have been written from an experience only two souls. who were so much alike, could have written.

Was the desire...the passion...the happiness and the love not strong enough to build a forever....were the tears that were shared a way of cleansing our sins...or were the pools of tears we watched meld together...only intertwining our souls more...

Like a pretty marionette all dressed up, waiting for the strings to be pulled... to be brought to life, and to be made dance...its what i longed for...this was also an intoxicating desire for the puppet master a universe away...which could only result in disastrous consequences if the strings were not pulled in sequence..and as planned.

A time now past....a today filled with hope...and an unattainable tomorrow...which may be what we think at this instance in time...yet step away ..and those thoughts of a tomorrow without us...is unfathomable... So what? What next?

how do you cleanse yourself from the strongest, most forbidden, power you've ever felt....a power that is like me...doubled, two that are so much alike...in thought, in desires, in movements, yes the stars are what have made us ...a power that is stronger than every strength we have...until we find reality!

Is it only a dream...a life filled dream from which you know you must awaken, but would give most anything to sleep forever, to relive the dream and never awaken to the reality from which you can not escape.

Our forever...will come...from the unspoken words...something only we could have written...something only we, two, have lived.

Dressing up...preparing the scene for a beautiful tomorrow...painting the landscape to relive what was brought to life in such an uncertain world. Yet, the uncertainty, is what made it more desirable. Empty...yet filled...with endless hopes for forever...

~~~~~~

next step...finish book!

Letting go...of emptiness

Have you ever had something...and it never was really yours? Do you wait...do you hope...do you fantasize for the day it belongs to you?

What is it that keeps us attached to things...is it the desire to make it ours, that keeps us hanging on?

There are realizations we must make. Is what we are holding on to, worth holding on to? Do they fulfill us at every moment. Are the small tastes of what we desire enough? Or are the unfulfilled moments what keep us dangling?

The realization of the impossible may tear us away from that desire for awhile...which may seem like moments in the end. But, when something awakens the feelings...when the memories come rushing back...there we are again. Reliving...desiring...what we want, what we had....if only for a moment.

Are bits and pieces of what we desire sufficient to keep us nourished...do those bits and pieces remain to help us go forward until we are again fed in small amounts. The desire...the temptation... of what we crave with every cell of our bodies. from the tips of our fingers and toes to the tips of our hair......a desire so strong, that when we are finally given another taste of what we so strongly ache for, it helps us to go on... if only for a moment.

Although we may try to control these urges...urges that sometimes guide our every step, our every thought, our every breath..it may be impossible. How are ties cut...who is so strong? I, for one, am not. Cutting the ties means the end. I hold on. I capture what can be captured. If only for a moment.

When the experience you had was something beautiful...how can it be so easy to end, how can it be so easy to go on...leaving it in the past? Although, there may have been moments of pain, the beautiful plays on your mind. And reliving those moments is the strongest desire you may have. I am guilty!

I hold on to things..can't let them go. There are moments when I would love to let them fly with the wind. But the majority of moments I want to hold them close and never let them go. Is it an obsession... I do not know. Is it inevitable... to want to cause pain and in the end know you will feel it as well.

Why is it superior to all your strengths...this is something I so often ask myself.

Because of the empty spaces how will it ever fill you. How can you ever be complete if it leaves you feeling so empty. Is empty enough?

Is it something you'd give your very soul for...is it something you would do next to the impossible to hold it dear...in your heart...and for the moment?

Is it my addiction...because I may now know what a drug is to an addict, a drink is to an alcoholic... just a taste, and I can go on until reality slaps me in the face and drops me on the floor......pain filled, knowing it was not enough...and again aching for the next fix.

Just like an addict...I know what should be left in the past should remain there.

Just like an addict...the desire is greater than every strength I thought I had.

Is an almost yours good enough? Or will this leave you almost empty...forever!

Your world...my world...a place where we coincide in space! We fulfill each other's desires for seconds in time...and go on with a pain filled life....waiting till we meet again! Talking in riddles...talking in rhymes of a world only two will know and understand.

Today...just like yesterday...will pave the way for tomorrow. Hopeful....hopeless...in a world filled with pleasure and which always ends in pain!

♥m♥p♥g♥p♥m♥