Dom....

Dominic...my nephew, my godson.

Today, August 28, 2011... he's not here with us. Today, his birthday! He would be 23 today.

I have been anticipating this day for the last few weeks...knowing that it was going to be a sad day, for me, and everyone who loves him. Today is a reminder of him not being with us. We can't pick up the phone and call and say Hey Dom...Happy Birthday! We can't hear his voice on the other end of the phone...and its sad.

I woke up this morning sad...hey, its Dom's birthday! My first posting on facebook was wishing him happy birthday. As I was posting, I was listening to the playlist of the CD i made for his funeral. Sad songs...songs of loss. Songs that make me cry.

I posted one by Mariah Carey and Lil Wayne... a very sad song. I'm crying as i'm posting, of course. Then I thought...what the heck am I doing...I'm going to make everyone cry. I can't do this to Jess, to my son to my nieces, ...to my mom, my brother and sister, aunt and friends. So I thought what would I play for Dom if he had a facebook account...so I chose the party song! A song I sing to my family when its their birthday because I love acting silly...a song I probably sang to him on his last birthday.

Loss is hard...we've all experienced it. I honestly can't even imagine what Jess and my brother go through. I never want to experience the loss of a child...I don't think i'm strong enough. Just writing those last few words start the tears rolling. So what I write, is through an aunt's eyes. Not through a parents.

My mom and dad lost their son, my older brother when he was 5. I remember my mom was extremely strong. She was the rock, and still is. My dad, openly suffered. I remember the stories he would tell us, and we'd all end up crying. My mom, would cry where we couldn't see her. Although we did often. My dad got hurt on the anniversary of my brother's death...i sometimes wonder if his mind was on my brother, during his accident. Only God knows...

There's a song i listen to often. Its Alex Ubago, Instantes. There is a part that says por que la vida son instantes que se cruzan en el tiempo, la locura mas brillante puede estar ocurriendo por que dandole la vuelta al peor de los momentos abriremos nuevas puertas que nos llevan hasta el cielo... life is filled with instants that cross in time...the brightest madness may be happening if you turn the bad moments over they may open doors that take us to heaven. Its a little hard for me to translate exactly what the spanish version means to me. What I'll do is write what i feel, not word for word.

I believe that it says...when we have bad things that happen in our lives...we have to turn them over...we have to make the best of every situation. And by doing this, it may open doors that actually take us to heaven..and I mean heaven in the sense of the best place possible here on earth. So what we have to do when any bad thing happens, is turn it over, take the best out of it, and try to find peace so can find new things that bring us happiness.

Its up to us to make our lives better. With all respect to Jess and my family... we have to go on. We have to make our lives happy. We have all these little kids that are depending on us for their happiness. We have our moms that have an emptiness that can't be replaced because Dom is gone. But we have to be our best for each other... We were left behind...and we have to make the best of our lives...every day .. Dom wouldn't want it any other way.

Dom had a smile...contagious...and that laugh. If you know Jess, you know Dom's laugh. It made you laugh too. He had a good heart...he was kind. He was hyper, and inquisitive, and funny.

He was my first love. I loved him like he was my own. He was a special little boy, who I kind of forgot about when I had my son. Nothing intentional, just my energies were placed elsewhere. So...my regret is that. But, I know he knew I loved him. And I know he loved me. We used to have good talks when we'd see each other. The last one, was fun, we laughed, talked and even sad things, I gave advice like I always do...and one thing that he always told me was "Aunti Mo, you're too much!" and we'd both laugh.

I'll always miss him. We all will. He will live in our hearts and our memories....and because of that, he is with us always.

Today...i'm thinking of Jess, Baba, Brit, Alejandro, my mom, Rosalie, Angela, Michelangelo, Joseph, Tomas his aunties and all the little cousins that loved him and looked up to him...hey he was the big cousin.

What Dom would want...for all of us, is to be happy. We owe it to him. He made us happy when he was here...and his memory will always bring smiles...hey, how could they not when we remember his beautiful smile with those beautiful dimples.

Here's to you Dom... Aunti Mo loves you...

Why Miami, you ask?

Miami...

In just a few days, it will be 7 years in which we arrived in Miami. Since then, so many things have changed, in our lives and in my mind.

8 years ago, I met a man on the internet, while I was living in Denver. He was living in Miami. We got married a few months later, and I packed my bags, and brought my son here.

When we first arrived. I was excited, yet sad. I missed my family and the things I was used to. You don't realize the things you miss when you relocate across the country.

It was hot, so humid. I felt like I was walking into a sauna when I walked out the doors of my house. I couldn't handle what the humidity did to my hair. I hated it. And I was definitely not happy. You don't realize how bad a hairdo can mess up your life, especially when every day is a bad hair day.

I remember the first few weeks we were here, Hurricane Charley came through. I remember my mom, brothers and sister all calling to see if we were ok. I was so happy the hurricane had passed over...hey, it was fresh air that i was feeling. Wind in my hair, I loved it! When I told people in Miami this, they looked at me like I was nuts. But, I wasn't I was just missing the crisp air from back home.

Later as the weeks went on, I started looking for things like stores, foods, restaurants, things that I had in Colorado. There were a few things I found, but there was a lot missing. I concentrated on what was missing.

I remember going down to Little Havana, where a lot of Cubans live, everyone talked to me in spanish. I felt like I was in another country, definitely not in mine. I felt out of place, because my spanish was no where near perfect.

The beginning was difficult. Mainly because of my attitude. I didn't embrace the different cultures and differences. I was stuck on stupid! I wanted what I had left behind.

Today, 7 years later, I know that it was the best decision I have ever made. I am so glad I brought my son here. He has been exposed to different cultures, different foods, a whole different world. He has friends from so many different countries, as well as our own.

The thing I love here, is I have never felt discriminated against. Back home, if you are latino looking, they think you're Mexican and yes, some do discriminate. Most of us do have some Mexican blood running through us. But we were born and raised here. Here, people have asked me if I'm Italian, Middle Eastern, Columbian, Argentinian, Spanish, even from Poland....I must look like someone they know from all those countries. Hey, I can blend in.

One thing that I have grown to appreciate here, is the spanish language. It's a beautiful language. It's a romantic language, and fairly easy to learn. Although, I still struggle with my verbs and the feminine and masculine forms of the words every day. In the beginning, I felt a little insecure about my spanish, but people are usually very easy going and will usually say I speak it well. I've learned a lot over the years. Writing and reading has helped me along the way. As well, as the spanish channels my ex-husband always had blaring.

Well, of course my parents and grandparents spoke it amongst themselves. I remember we were not allowed to speak it in school. So we never learned it. And, I had no desire to learn spanish. That is until I met someone from Uruguay and I knew I had to learn it, so I could communicate, good thing is he spoke english as well. I also realized how beautiful the language was just by listening to the music. Then, I met a few Spaniards, one who became a big part of my life, and who made me realize the differences of words spoken from one country to another. Now I know that there are words you shouldn't say, that I used on a regular basis back home. Words or expressions that can be construed as offensive. For instance, I won't say "estoy caliente", because I've learned that it means I'm hot, in a sexual sense. Haha...I learned very fast, that I should say "tengo calor". There are other words that the Spanish use that are used in South American that when used they have no where near the same meaning. So I've learned to be careful. I'm glad I've learned from people from different parts of the spanish speaking world. It's made the language a lot richer for me.

When in Colorado, when i left San Luis, I always tried to remain true to my roots. I never tried to erase my accent, or talk like someone I was not. I was never going to be the spanish, latina, whatever you want to call me, girl who acted like those weren't my roots. Today, because of my accent, I've been told that I speak like an American, I speak like a Canadian, I speak with Argentinian accent. Everyone has their opinion. My friend from Spain heard me talking on the phone to my ex-husband a few days ago, and said to me, "I like hearing you speak spanish on the phone," I suddenly asked, do I speak like an American, like a Mexican, someone said I spoke like an Argentinian? He said, no...you speak like you have a heart of gold. Hey, that's all I needed to hear, it made me smile.

One thing about Miami, is there are people from all over the world here. There are many people here, who are here alone. Their families are in their native countries, and they've lived here for many years. Everyone misses home, but after awhile, this becomes home. My friend played a song for me the other day, an old Neil Diamond song, I Am, I Said. What he's singing about is, he is somewhere that isn't home. He relocated, and wherever he is today, its home, but yet it isn't home. He basically feels he doesnt truly belong anywhere. My friend, relates to the song because he left Uruguay and moved to Australia for many years, and now he is back in his native country, but he misses the country that became home for so long. When I think of him and the song, it makes me sad. Sad for him...sad for me. Because in a sense, I feel the same. Miami is home, yet it isn't home. I will always miss the beautiful mountains, and my beautiful family and friends and our beautiful farm. But I am happy now, with the ocean, and the beautiful friends I've made here. I don't have my family here, but they are a plane ride away.

Today, I will embrace the positive, I will smile, and walk through Miami, enjoying one of the places on this earth that so many people flock to.

My Columbian friend and I were talking the other day, about the people in Miami, and she said something like... we choose who our friends are here. We didn't grow up with them, they aren't family, and they've only come into our lives in the past few years, but you choose who you want to have in your life. I've met wonderful people here, Argentinos, Columbianos, Uruguayos, Españoles, Venezolanos, Cubanos, Puerto Riqueños, Dominicanos, Haitianos, etc. etc. and they have all been welcoming. We are all away from home, but knowing each other makes our lives fuller!

Now a days, its still hot, its still humid. My hair is ok now, because I've learned how to handle it. I can deal with my imperfect spanish, I can deal with not finding a burrrito in Miami, and most of all, I've learned that its all a state of mind. Its how we open ourselves to differences and changes. If we keep our minds closed and don't appreciate or at least try to appreciate the differences we were not exposed to previously, then we miss out on so much. Life is full of differences, life is full of change...open your minds...open your hearts and let the good things in. Give people who don't speak your language a chance, accept people who's skin is a different color than yours...teach your children to do the same and they'll have a much fuller life. I've done it with my son, and its the best gift I could have given him...

7 years later... Miami...home for now with no intentions of leaving, yet! :)