Love..without it....who are we...

A few days ago...

I shared something with a friend of mine,

my prior blog to a friend who changed my life.

She asked me...how can you have so much love in your heart...

I see it in your face.

It was hard to answer...

then she said, that she wished she had hope...that out there, she hoped she would find love to give her the feeling she saw in my face. She's a beautiful girl...my age...and has so much to offer. She's honest, hard working... Most men would love to be with her.

My advice to her...because it is what I did, when my soul was dying...my hope was no where to be found... I had to go back in my past and find the happiest moments I had lived, the time I felt best about myself.   I did... and it made me realize who I had been...who I had lost. Me...the me that only had one choice to live...a happy and fulfilled life. What I did was search...in my past for something that made me feel alive. I told her to do the same...

 Since then, my life again has expanded...and my happiness comes from inside. Not because I again found what brought all those feelings back...but because of me.

We have to take ....whatever positive influences that are placed before us...and we need to use them to flourish...we need to figure out how they fit us best...and use them to our advantage.

Every day...is a new day...

every day we're given a chance to be better than yesterday...

but you'll never do it...if you don't believe.

My divorce will be final in a few days. I think of myself a year ago...and how at this moment 12 months ago, I was still trying to re-find me. I needed to be the person who had died along the way...throughout those years of conformity. I think now ...how my life has changed...and not in how i live..but in how i feel about me... and how I look at all that has been placed around me with open eyes...

I have someone ...or a few people to thank for that.

I wonder though...have I built this love in my heart...because of someone else...or because of me. In a sense...it came from someone giving me strength...validating me...I needed it. And it's ok... I'm thankful for being blessed...by people who I've chosen to keep in my life. And with each and every one of those people...a part of me is filled ... and because of them, and how I choose to believe...i have become full.

Sure...some days...are easier than others. But I know in my heart...that i'm going to be ok. I know...that my life is getting better one day at a time...one moment at a time.

Back to my friend... at the end of our conversation, she said, she thought she was ok, not having fantasies about love...not being excited about love... my reaction was "noooooooooo!!!!" you can't stop dreaming...you can't stop feeling...because when the dreams stop...we die. Dreams give us hope...dreams give us vision...dreams become reality... So don't anyone stop believing... It will be your demise...

In my journey toward happiness...it brings bits and pieces and chunks of happiness on a daily basis... I may cry in 2 minutes...but i'll dry my tears up...look in the mirror and giggle, because my nose is red... but then i'll go on...knowing in my heart...and believing in my soul... that my dreams are becoming reality.

I will never ever ever ever ever....let anyone crush my dreams again. It's a bumpy road out there...but hey...i've prepared myself. And today...tomorrow...and forever...I choose to have love in my heart...that will spill out on pages of writings...and come out in words of hope...
and as of today...there is only one person...
who knows the many faces of Mona...
 but tomorrow that may change...

Hoping...dreaming...loving.... forever...and ever...and ever... I'm free!