GOODBYE...IN A LETTER.

(the letter he will never receive, because he already knows them in
the silent words of my absence)



Goodbye My Miguel, my dear, sweet, beautiful Miguel.

I said I was leaving what we have behind, on our first day I saw you last month.

And on the last day, when you held me in your arms,

I again said it.

I know, that so many times I said, I was going to go,

in the midst of our time together

I always said it and never could follow thru on what I promised.

Now... I'm different.

And although I don't know if you sense it yet, only because of how every trip

that we're together, we end it the same

Good-bye...I love you

and we try, and we try and we try

to stay away from each other.

We don't call... because of all the reasons,
we try to follow thru on what we've said.

ok.   but this time I'm different.

Different...because a part of me can't go on like this anymore

I've realized over the last year, just how alone I am

Yes, you may love me from the other side of the ocean,

but it's not enough. 

I told you many things, when we were together.

I told you of all that you brought to my life.

I told of you all that you helped me to realize I am, just because you loved me

And because I loved you

Loving you was like flying

I was free

to dance under the moon

I was free to create all the crazy things I did... for us.

But, I can't do this anymore

I'm tired.

And like you said to me... you knew I was tired.

I remember one day,  you said, you could do this forever.

But it wasn't right.

For all the reasons it wasn't right, it was beautiful for more.

I always say that for the reasons it was not right, 

they were also the reasons I loved you more.

I know you'll miss me 

when you see a falling star

when you see the full moon above you

and on those dark rainy days.

You'll think of me when you think of Ibiza and paella

and when you see the cute little Fiats driving past you

You'll think of me when you touch yourself,
in all the places only I can touch so perfectly

You'll miss me when your back hurts and
my magical fingers and hands that cure you are no where to be found

you'll miss my stories

you'll miss the life in me, and how it gave you the desire to live more

you'll miss the look in my eyes... when I see you look at me

you'll miss the face you loved... and all the expressions only you know

you'll miss me when you hear Enrique's songs
and all the songs I sang to you, out of tune

you'll miss my tenderness

and my playfulness

and the peace you felt in my arms

you'll miss my words, and all that I create
you'll miss my child-like ways, that brought the child out of you

but one thing you will always miss is the true unconditional love that I felt for you

and how I always made you feel appreciated

and desirable...

and me....... I'll miss you every waking hour of every day.

because I wake up and you're one of my first thoughts...

and before I fall asleep, you're one of the last.

but most of all I'll miss you in my dreams... my waking dreams...

where I constantly create our next beautiful moments...

and our forever...

I don't blame you... I don't blame me.

because all I've done I did with every ounce of my being

because I loved you with all of me

It's just time now.

I try to make sense of it.

But I've realized what happened, 

and all that didn't happen,

was meant to be this way.

It had to be...

Because I needed to get to where I am now, in so many ways

And if it hadn't happened, I would be a different person today.

And that is why I'm letting go with such determination

because I know that I need to accomplish so much

And I feel that this love was weighing me down

It had me trapped

I was saving the best parts of me, for you.

for only you

and I stopped living... because I lived for you

And now... I need to put all the energy I put into you and me...

into me and my dreams.

y como dice la cancion

"

He decidido escribirte, 

despues de tanto llorar, 

mis lagrimas son hoy estos versos que, 

tu ausencia nunca podra borrar, 

me voy como vine a tu vida, 

sin hacer ruido me despido me voy, 

pero me cuesta tanto olvidarte mi amor, 

me cuesta tanto decirte adios!

Hoy he vuelto a entender que, 

jamas volveran, aquellos paseos 

de vuelta al hotel, 

en que tu me enpujabas 

para no perder, un solo instante en hacer el amor....

(Adios Dulcinea - Mago de Oz)

*****

I used to ask for signs from God and the universe

whether I should stay or move on

and I always got the needed signs to stay

I made justifications for all the reasons we weren't together

and they still today make sense

but

I can't justify any more

I can't ask for signs, although they are all around me

What we have is beautiful

and something we will never get enough of

We will always have unfinished business

it's why for 14 years, we never said good-bye.

And as I go away.. a part of me says no more

And no...it's not no more of us

it's no more, of the little we have

I need more...so I must go.

I believe now is a good time to leave

because I always knew that I always had to leave you with the best of me

I had to leave  you craving me... 

I had to leave you thinking of me only in the most positive of ways

And that is why I must go.

Our love has not died

our love still lives...

so I must go.. and leave you with the best of me

Our last day together, was like one of our first days together, so long ago

Beautiful... free... adventurous...

and giving each other the best of us.

We were happy... and of course we were sad.

You looked at me with those tear filled eyes... 

knowing deep in your heart I had to go, but you'd see me again

And I looked at you with my tear filled eyes... knowing I didn't know when I'd be back

because I knew that I wasn't coming back for a long long time

And I knew... that I had to leave... with you loving me

like I loved you... so that someday... when life changes, and the time comes,

we could find each other...

because what we have left are our beautiful memories

of you... of me... of the us that we became ...

together.

and in a sense.... I have to be the girl who got away

when you think back.

I have to be the one you think of always...wondering where I am

wondering what I'm doing

wondering who has my heart

and all the magic I bring to life

you'll miss my magic...

you'll miss my touch

and all I caused you to feel

you'll miss all that you caused me to be

all that you pulled from the hollows of my soul
and you will feel empty without all that I brought to your world
all the beautiful stories and dreams we created
and fantasies of being together

and maybe someday... like I told you

you will come for me

you will find me

you will show up at my door

and like you said, you'd come one day early

to watch me in my world

to see what i do without me knowing

and maybe on that day, when you are finally in front of me

in my world

I can be yours again...

the woman you called Mia...

So now... 

our love story ends...

and maybe it's not the end

but a new beginning

You will live in my heart...as I know I will live in yours

And maybe someday... I won't be the girl who got away

but the girl... who when it was time,

became yours...

Good-bye my sweet love...

My Miguel.... 

from your Mia... 

always!