UNFINISHED BUSINESS...

So... I just wrote a facebook post...

and I said,

we'll always have unfinished business...

and it made me think of the words in the movie

The Notebook

"it wasn't over... it still isn't over"

And yes, it's what I know

and am certain of.

but... my mind and heart

are no longer weak

where I thrive on those thoughts

and am no longer needy of him

Although I miss him, just like I told him.

I miss him lots...

but I'm ok.

I read last night... an article that said

if it was the  right person, it wouldn't be the wrong time.

It really made me think.

In fact it put me in my place.

A place I needed to be

Another place of deep realization

because i'm always trying to find meaning

I have to find meaning in us

the article I read... expanded on what I had already realized

about us.

You know...

so many times we fight for love..

we love people desperately

and they don't love us in the way we need to be loved at that moment

the way we're loving them

and it causes us so much pain.

and the part of me... that realizes why everything happened the way it

was so that I could grow and be a better person

and discover more

and help others more

and just have a fuller life

it all needed to happen to bring us all to where we are today

but the part of me that fantasizes

and knows that we will be together one day

was slapped into thinking something differently last night

After reading that article

I realized, that maybe he isn't the right person

because he would do everything to never lose me

I think that's what I want now

is proof that he loves me

i want to see what he would do to never lose me

it's what I wanted last  year when i was going thru the whole cancer thing

I just needed to know I was loved.

And honestly... I didn't feel it where I needed to feel it most.

And not because i was loved less,

but I realized how little I actually was receiving before that

and i just wanted and needed more

and it's why i'm going away, in a sense

not because I don't love him

not because i'm tired of him

Only because I want to be loved

the way I want to be loved

the way I deserve to be loved

and also...

I want to be loved, the way I love.

bits and pieces no longer suffice

and cancer, yes taught me to do with or without it

even though I love with everything that embodies my heart, soul, body....

every thing.

I won't settle anymore.

first and foremost, for anyone less than he is

and secondly... for bits and pieces of him

I need to feel loved.

and the way he loves me hasn't changed.

I changed.

And all I realize now, is if we are the right person for each other

we will eventually make it the right time

But... time will pass...

And someday... everything will fall into place

with him or without him

I talked about my dreams today

and he asked... will there be a position for me?

I said, "you'll be the supervisor

because what I do, I dream of doing for us.   Me, You, my child, your child."

It's how I think.

He asked about my procedures
and I told him the plans
but I told him he couldn't see me until he did something
to see me, to take me to another place in Spain
to come to Miami.
I blocked him from all my pictures on social media
except my profile photos
because I won't allow him to see me anymore
No... No.
and I told him so

And so I spoke... freely, no limitations, nothing holding me back.

It's who he fell in love with.

but...again we dreamt together,

He said he'd be here at 5.

I said I'd have his clothes ironed for the wedding tonight

He asked what we would do

I told him

I'd wear my pretty black polka dot skirt I bought in Murcia

the one he saw

and we'd dance

and we'd laugh

and talk 

and laugh

and just have fun, like we know how

and then we'd run away from the crowd

and run to the beach and walk and talk and dream and laugh

and then we'd find our way to a place where we are at peace..

alone... in each other's arms.

yeah... these silly dreams

are a part of the reality we can't live right now

and haven't lived, except for moments at a time

but they are dreams we know that someday will come true.

but nothing will happen...

until it is the right time.

because I know and I know he knows

we are the right person

we met at the right time

to grow

to learn

to teach

to feel love and to love

to become our best

All I can say is it's hard to say good-bye

or stop being who we are

but... again i will say

if we don't change...nothing changes!

now to see what life has unfolding before me

I'm excited at all the beauty that is coming to me

yes... easily and effortlessly

and our paths will cross, when they're meant to cross...

we both know it.

but the part of this whole realization i made

is I'm no longer putting my life on hold

just like I told him I had to catch up when he is running,

he'll catch up to me in life.

more to come...