Monalisa...: And, In Forever... She Believed

Maybe I should start at the beginning. The beginning of my Forever...

And maybe you've read or heard my story and how it all began.

Once upon a time, a woman fell in love with a man

on the other side of the ocean...

thousands of miles away.

He called them Vampires (Vampiros, as he only spoke spanish)

because of the hours they had to be awake to see each other

from the other side of the world.

He fell in love with her the first time he saw her, is what he says.

he said she put a spell on him the very instant

he laid eyes on her

She did not fall in love till many months later

But when she fell in love...

she knew there had been no other

there could be no other love like what she felt for him

and she had not even touched the most beautiful being she had laid eyes on

but who a few months earlier was not someone she would have been attracted to

It would not have been him she picked

but it was she, who he saw who changed the reality he was living and had chosen

She was a romantic, and he brought this out even more as

They dreamed of being together

He made her promise that the first chance they got they would be together

she would be there

She promised.

Her mind was wild

her heart was on fire

and she craved the moment that she looked into his eyes

and felt him near

And then she began to create

A story came to her

a story because of the love she felt for him

and knew he felt for her

She called it Forever...

and she began to write.

and many years later her work of love was completed.

~~~~~~~

So that's the story... of my Forever...

Because loving him, I knew that our love would last forever.

So today... when I woke up, I had to finish a letter to him of all the things I needed to say

things I needed to share

responses to what he said the last time we talked

and to thank him again...for the things that I appreciate.

but to also let him know that things are changing in me

although they remain the same

Things can't remain the same

because I no longer am the same.
And if he doesn't do what we both want
then he will eventually lose me forever...

twisted words... that only can be twisted

because i can't say exactly what I wrote

they were words that may be like daggers to him

but they are the reality of my now

As I wrote that I realized, once again that he is also changing
And yes, in the way I am happy with
Hey, I said last year - if I don't change, nothing will change
And so I changed, and things are better

Anyway...

I read something this morning.

"Forever is composed of nows"

Emily Dickinson

Oh...and it made me think.

Because I truly believe in forever love.

If you nurture it, if you are kind and patient and creative

with the one you love,
it will last forever...

But forever composed of nows...

really made me think.

I have written something about Happily Ever After...

that we construct our road to happily ever after

as it consists of all that we live...

that in living we create our happily ever after

it's not only happy in the end.

One of my friends has posted a lot lately

about living the moment.

We live in the past, we live in the future. Mainly because of what our brains are thinking

And as I think of it

I rarely live the moment

maybe because a lot of my moments seem empty

empty, because I feel alone at times

empty because I'm inside my home

dreaming of being somewhere else.

and I realize that empty moments
cause us to dream of the past and of the future

That's a real sad world.

If we can't enjoy our nows
if we think they're so empty
that we have to dream of another time.

Hey, but wait a minute.
as I begin to analyze this living in the moment stuff,
our current reality is based on what we've lived
and also what we dream of living.

Because if we never had dreamt of the future
we would not be where we are today.
We would not have created our current reality
So it's ok to dream of the future
and take from the past the lessons we learned
and all that we have experienced

I guess the answer to this is
Live in the now, with the best of the past and beautiful dreams of the future
Just don't get stuck there,
that we miss out on the beauty we are currently surrounded by

I'm a loner in a sense...

or maybe not in a sense... I am a loner

I love my friends and family

but I do not live like I should be living

A few days ago, I was a little sad

because I felt I had no purpose at this time

my mind has been crazy, trying to create

trying to accomplish what I've set out to

yet feeling stuck because of fear and

a few things that I lack

But this morning as I showered.

I began to think of the powerful words I read

"forever is composed of nows"

And I thought of my friend who just lost her husband

I wrote to her and told her something like

live and do what they dreamt of doing together

and he will be there with her always.

We waste our lives dreaming

or at least I do

I've in a sense wasted parts of my life waiting

as well

And I have to do something... anything to stop what I've done

and stop wasting my life

stop wasting my moments

stop wasting my nows

I need to live

I was given a second chance after cancer

to live

and I feel like I've been in limbo the last year and a half

honestly...

i felt like something needed to be completed in order to begin

And maybe, after my final surgery in November, I will begin to live

nothing pending

free to live... and do what I dream of

It's funny how we put ourselves in a cage

only by what we believe.

What we perceive to be true, will always be true.

And like my favorite song says,

"perception is reality"

And so I know that I am the only one limiting me

And as I finished my shower this morning... I thought

Do the things you dream of doing with him, even if if he is not there.

And as I've said too many times...

"do what you love and the person who loves you, will be waiting there"

hey, if we don't live these precious moments

we are given

they are lost...

lost in Forever...

****Again... my mind is everywhere
It's how I work
one thought sparks a realization that sparks another thought
that causes me to analyze
looking for the best in what causes me to think***

time to work on the important stuff lol

See you in Forever...