Alone...

Alone... what does that mean? Physically alone...alone emotionally? Hmmm. The question of the day!

In March, I found myself alone. My husband of 7 years had moved out! Although, I knew it was coming, and as prepared as I thought I was....I was not prepared at all.

The first days were lonely and quiet. I felt like someone had died. I felt like I lost my best friend. I was mourning the loss of what little existed between us. The days passed...I cried...I wondered...I planned...but I kept walking on my treadmill. Yes, the tears fell on the treadmill belt and to my toes, just like my perspiration did. But I kept walking...each day crying less.

In my heart, I knew that what had happened was for the best and I was glad he had the nerve to make the break, because I sure didn't even though I knew there was nothing there. But, i talked it out with everyone that would lend an ear. I had to make sense of it, although I already knew the truth, I had to express what I felt. Poor Anthony, poor Carol, my poor sister, mom and cousin Charlotte...they all had to listen to me. They all told me what they thought...but funny thing is, everything they said. I already knew.

Its funny, but during the days I felt so lost and alone, I talked to a couple of girl friends here in Miami, and they told me about 2 singles sites. So here I go again...making up a profile. Hmmm, what picture should I post... The funny thing is, the internet is where I found my husband, and I swore I would never do it again. But, here I was, looking at the single guys, reading their profiles and getting messages from some, the majority in their 20's..my usual response was "I'm probably as old as your mother, why on earth would you write to me?" haha.

I eventually talked to about 5 on the phone, you might think I'm awfully brave to give my phone number, I thought so too. Anyway, they were nice guys, but I really did not want a blind date. And that's what dating sites are all about, blind dates. Yeah, you may see their pictures...but pictures can be deceiving. I knew it, because of course I wasn't going to put up pics of me as I got out of bed with my hair a mess and no make up.... and definitely not even one of those pics where you can see my imperfections!

So here I was, searching where I shouldn't be. The only good thing about this is talking on the phone first, it gives you a sense of who they are. One guy asked me if I liked to touch all day, hugging kissing...I was like, if you love someone, maybe... ok, for awhile, but then get away! So I ran for the hills or should I say towards the ocean, from that one. I so love my space and didn't want to be stuck to someone especially in hot and humid Miami! That was the only time I talked to that guy! I actually met 2 guys... both Cuban, the first didn't like me and I didn't like him lol The second...was nice and wanted to see me again, but i just wasn't into him, a little too young for me and he was more like 30-something!. So ...that was the last.

The days went by, and I felt stronger. Because I was stronger, in my self esteem...heck i had lost 20 lbs. I kept walking, watching what i was eating and I started making a plan, a plan of how I should live my life. A plan which included improvements of past mistakes. I knew I had to be strong in myself, if I would ever meet someone that would complement me! Someone that was worth loving.

I read books, break up books, positive thinking books...I searched the internet for answers. Answers, not to why it happened. I already knew why it did. Answers to reinventing me.

I had been in a relationship which included my husband, my son and my work from home! Who was I? What the heck did I know about Miami. Very little. Sure I knew the mall and the movies and my favorite restaurants and of course the grocery stores... but there was a whole world out there and I was in the middle of it. What the heck was I going to do in Miami...no friends, no family except for Anthony. What?

Well I won't deny...the weight loss was what literally pushed me out that door. I took off to Miami Beach, ate at my favorite Argentinian " Buenos Aires Bakery"... cafe con leche with media lunas....and sandwiches de miga, my favorites and just what this girl needed! Then I put my headphones on, kicked off my sandals and headed for the beach!

I wasn't on the beach to tan, or to be a bathing beauty. I was there to walk. To look at the beautiful buildings that painted the edge of the vast ocean. I was there to feel the waves hit my feet. I was there to find black sea shells. And my music filled my ears. I was happy!

I was alone...and I was happy! Today, three months later. I'm alone....and I'm still happy! I have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful son...I have me! And I can't forget the wonderful family and friends that keep me laughing and smiling...sometimes crying, as I read their facebook posts. Thanks everyone for the smiles! You all rock!