Hmmm... pretty deep huh? Well, because of my state of mind, and state of heart at the time I started reading it. It was just what I needed.
The plan is, set a goal date of when you want to be married. List alllllll the things you want in your soulmate. So, my date was going to be June, 2012. I thought it would be good, after my son graduates. Also, my family would all be here for the graduation. Two birds with one stone...yes! Hey, I was pulling at straws.
I wrote down alllllll those things that I want in a soulmate. Tall, pretty eyes, successful, creative, etc. etc. etc. Dang, I had a long list...and kept adding to it. Hmmm...superman you say? Maybe! But I knew in my heart I would find all that in one person! So I was ready...I was hitting the streets...I was shopping the internet, and even looking toward the past for something...someone! Sounds like desperation huh?
Well split ups and life changes sometimes make us go bonkers. That's what I was...bonkers!
I thought about that plan for about 2 days, maybe 4. Then I forgot about it. As my mind and body were strengthened, I didn't need that book anymore. So back it went...to its corner of my book shelf. In fact, I couldn't find it now that I had to refer to its title. That goes to show just how important it was.
So, after a few months, marriage doesn't seem so important anymore. Talking with my friend the other day, the subject of marriage came up. Of course I said, "I would like to be married again someday." Hey you know what they say "the third time's a charm!" Well, that's what I want to believe anyway. He asked or said something like "why, if you're in love, does there have to be marriage." I thought about it...but it made me feel a little sad, because for an instant I thought, and what if i fall in love with him, he would never marry me! Then I thought, Geez Louise! Was I willing to let this special person, someone who could be the best thing that ever happened to me, slip through my fingers, based on my marriage beliefs or desires!
I grew up in a home, where my parents were married until my dad died. My grandparents, on both sides, were married till my grandfathers died. I always thought of marriage as "till death do we part". That was my intention for my first marriage. But today, its still a belief I hold on to. I really have to wonder, is that just a part of my fairy tale description of what life and love should be?
I always thought that marriage is the ultimate commitment two people can make to each other. But do you really want to know what I dream of? I dream of walking down the isle in a beautiful white dress. Yeah... that's what I think of. My first marriage, I was wearing a black mini skirt...black top and black heels, black stockings and a big black hairdo, Oh, and pink lipstick!! Wow! A far way off from that white dress I so wanted to wear! Second marriage... pink skirt, pink top, pink lipstick...same difference, except I didn't have pink hair!!
Well, I can't say that the only thing that mattered to me was a white dress...I always wanted to be married by the Catholic church. My church! Because it's what I've believed all my life and a part of me would like that some day! Hey, I was a little girl dreaming of walking down the isle with her daddy at her side, walking towards her prince charming... in my beautiful white dress... then having kids...and living happily ever after. You know how the story goes...Yup, just like Cinderella! That's so cute, but at this point in my life isn't it a bit unrealistic...especially at my age! Well, not really, I truly believe that everything is possible, to a certain extent...but what is it that I really want? hmm...
But wait......then I really start thinking about it. Does there have to be marriage to love someone? Does there have to be marriage to commit to someone? Does not being married to someone make it easier to go on to the next best thing when you get bored? What? What's the depth of commitment when there isn't marriage? What is the depth of commitment where there IS marriage? I guess that takes me back...to love! Love Love Love...here we go again!
Ufff...this one is a hard one! Because I have mixed feelings...the me that grew up where I grew up, plays heavy on my mind and heart. The me, that I've come to know and the reality of life that I've accepted or learned to live has opened my mind to other possibilities.
I'm searching for a conclusion to this topic! I'm not sure I have one.
I guess the only conclusion I have at this point in time, is when we commit to someone, and its truly what we want. Then give all you have......not just 50%...give 100%. Hey, its the love of your life. When you're both giving 100%....then you'll have no regrets. So if you're in love...and married or not, do what's important. I think your heart will lead you. Take each day with patience, communicate, and know what each expects...and I think everything will be ok. Have fun being in love....
And just maybe, the next time I fall in love.....that white dress just might be my dress of love that I wear walking alongside that special man, on the shores of the Atlantic Ocean......with or without marriage! *I'm smiling*
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