The saddest day of my life...

Three years ago, today, was a regular day. I worked, then got ready to go with Anthony to the school open house. We were in our last class, anxious to get out of there.

Then i got the phone call. Dom had been shot. It's funny, but I didn't take it very serious. I thought everything would be ok, just like things always turned out.

We went home...and about an hour or so later...the phone call that changed our lives came in. I answered, and could hear the most horrible sounds at the other end of the line. It was my family crying in horror. I couldn't finish talking to them.... he was dead!

I started screaming to Anthony, Dom's dead, Dom's dead! To see the pain, in my son's face and to feel the crumbling of my heart...my body weakened. I felt a pain I never thought possible. I ran to my room, and I threw myself on my bed and screamed into my pillow...i fell to the floor crying the deepest cry, tearing into my pillow, searching for relief... I couldn't hear Anthony's cries or him punching the refrigerator in anger...

the only thing I heard was me.

The world I knew, had ended. I screamed and cried into my pillow for what seemed like hours...i felt the screams coming from the pit of my stomach...something i had never felt before.

We had lost Dom...but due to how it happened..it made it a million times worse. How could this happen.. I was crying for the loss of my nephew but crying for my brother too. How could this horrible thing have happened.

I was screaming to God...why? Why? Later, I lay in my bed in the dark room...looking at the ceiling, weakened from crying. Yet wishing I was home with the people I love most. I then got some strength and knew what i had to do. I had to be home, so I booked our flight to leave the next day.

When I got home. I knew life would never be the same for my family. One of our babies was gone and our brother was also not there, but in a different way. I gathered my strength from trying to help my son cope, as well as the other kids.

Being home...i felt an emptiness. I had experienced death in our family numerous times, including the experience of my dad being in a coma for almost 6 years...and then dying, was like losing him twice. But the pain, and emptiness that we felt because of Dom...was unlike any other.

What I noticed when we were there, was how people treated us. It was like the entire family had done this to Dom. My only consolation in how we were treated, during this time, was knowing that Dom knew who loved him.

One thing that happened while I was there.  I was talking to one of my best guy friends, since I was 16.   He comes from a family of all boys.   He told me that what had happened to our family was something not uncommon.  Then he went on to tell me of a story that had happened in his family.   He told me of 2 of his brothers who had been fighting horribly.   The dad was so angry that he got his gun and went after one of his sons.   He said his father didn't find the son, and said to me.   That if his father had found the son who was provoking everything, it may have ended differently because he had a gun.   He told me if his dad had found his brother, that it would have been his family there, and not mine.    

I also spoke to someone who told me about her anger and spur of the moment actions that could have ended in disaster because she was so angry with her son and she was in her car and her temper for a second could have caused her to react differently.    

These two conversations made me think about how life, and anger, and spur of the moment reactions can end in disaster.     

I play a song for Dom, one he never heard before. Its a song in spanish, Esta Pasando Noviembre, by Eros Ramazzotti and Amaia Montero...its a beautiful song. It talks about a person who will be 20 always...Dom was 20 when he died. It talks about the person feeling ignored in his life. The person says she wished she would have helped in his life. It says they're hoping that he finds what he is searching for now in another world. It talks about him playing in the sky following a shooting star while he takes a stroll through space ...

I sing this song from the bottom of my heart...and when I do...i look to heaven...to the skies, because I find peace in knowing in my heart that Dom is playing in the skies and he is in a better place, and he will never suffer again.

At the end it says this world is just more lonely without him.

This song touches me deeply because of the lyrics... and just like the person singing, I wish I could have done more for him... That is my only regret!

I know Dom was looking for something in this life...i knew he had a good heart, he had a smile that could charm anyone. The last time I saw him, he had been introduced to some distant cousins at my mom's restaurant, and he was so polite and conversed with them. It made me smile. I was proud of him.

Three years have gone by...and we'll never be the same.

Three years have gone by and the world is a lonelier place without Dom.

My thoughts and prayers for strength are with Jessica and my brother, Brittany and Alejandro, my mom, Rose, my brothers and sister, Tom, Richard, all Dom's cousins, and everyone that loved him!

Dom...here's to you. Again, Auntie Mo talking... and i know what would come out of your mouth...as I so often remind myself of some of your last words you said to me "Aunti Mo, you're too much! I smile now, because you always had that smile when you spoke those words.

Thank you for your smiles...for your laughter, for your silliness and jokester ways. Thank you for the love and respect you showed me always.

I love you hito...always....and this world is so much more lonely without you!