I don't like meds, and it amazes me how some people want meds for everything. Maybe I'm lucky I don't have any ailments, or maybe its I just don't make a big deal of my aches and pains. I've always been strong...I remember my first surgery at 19, my mom wanted me to stay in bed, and she was so upset with me, when she went from my grandmother's restaurant to the bar, which was closed. I had the jukebox playing and was dancing with my little brother.
The nurses were also amazed after I had my ceserean and was sitting with my legs crossed (indian style) on the hospital bed, sitting straight as could be, they said that most women are lying on their backs...I guess I'm just strong and don't think about it much. I do what i have to do. I'm really not a whiner.
Anyway...so the doctor said my check up went well. But my cholesterol was high, as well as the other I thing I went for. So he's sending me to an endocrinologist to work the other thing out. But what remained in my mind more was the cholesterol issue.
I first started asking questions, about what causes it, all he pointed out was red meat. Then i got wonderful information from friends as I asked the question on facebook.
Ok, so what is playing most heavy on my mind. Life and Death!
I don't want to die...I have too much to live for. So many things I need to accomplish before I can say, I'm ready! Is that how we all feel? I think its how we should feel.
I think that we should have an outlook on life that there is so much more out there to live for, to experience, to be happy for.
Yesterday my friend told me a story. He has such interesting stories. He said that The government is now giving out $86,400 a day putting it in our accounts and we have to spend it. We have to spend it on ourselves, our family, our work, etc. Whatever is left over will be taken away. So i'm thinking, how would I spend this much money all in a day???? Then he goes on to say that the government can stop this payment at any time they see fit.
Then he says...each day we are given 84,600 seconds of life. And we have to use them on us, our family, our friends, etc. etc. What we don't use, is lost. So its up to us, to use every second we are given to breath happier breaths. To live to the fullest.
About 4 years ago, I was really in a rut. Not happy in my life, I was fat, I was married to someone I knew I didnt love and it could end at any moment. I was alone, in a city with no family, no friends. Feeling, hopeless at times. Feeling alone. Yet living for my son. Working my rear off. Just living with no real direction.
Then I woke up one day. I knew what I had to do. I needed to find a reason to feel alive. Years before that I met someone who made me feel more alive than I had in many years. He made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. So I looked for him again. It wasnt hard to find him, because he really had never gone very far away. He had tried to keep in contact with me, searched for me, but I pushed him away.
I couldnt let him see who I had become. I never wanted him to see me as a fat, unhappy person. When I say fat, in no way is it in the negative to anyone other than to me. I had gained 45 pounds since I was with him. No way did I want him to see me. Over those years when we would cross paths, I would not let him see me, I would make excuses. One time I let him see me with reading glasses and no make up. I was pushing him away. I remember thinking, look at me now...i'm not who you fell in with. Now, I ask myself why I did it. But I realize I did it because I didnt love myself and how could one of my greatest loves....love the person I had become. I only wanted him to remember the woman he thought was the most beautiful in the world.
Ok, I'm a romantic. That may be the part of me that wanted to preserve his memory of me. But wait...how could that be. Life wasn't over...I knew i could still be attractive. I just had to work on me. So I found him...and I thought, I would use what he did to me, and how he made me feel, to make me strong again. It worked! Little by little, my mind, was getting stronger. I lost about 10 pounds then, but it worked. I was feeling desirable again. I was finding the real me again.
Since that happened a few years ago, I never lost touch with him. Although I do tend to push him away at times. I feel I can't be without his presence, in whatever aspect it may be, as we are on two different continents.
Today, 30 lbs lighter, and with a way to go. I'm happy. He told me the other day, that I'm the person he met many years ago. He told me that he loves to see me happy. He also talked about the few years that I wouldnt talk to him much and how I had changed. I finally confessed, and I told him why. I cried when I told him. But he knows me well enough, that this isn't the first time he sees me cry.
His reaction was one I should have expected from him. He told me that those things didn't matter.
I realize now, that I'm not getting any younger...but I am getting better. My wrinkles are coming out, as well as more white hair. But heck... We are all getting older. What we have to do is stop comparing ourselves to 20 year old models...and to the 25 year old neighbor. I see my friend now, and I see his wrinkles more clearly, I see his body has changed. But what I see most clearly is the sparkle in his eye when he's talking to me and seeing what he brings out in me. He truly makes my eyes sparkle and that is why he never lost my heart. I also know, that what he sees in me is my sparkle that comes from my heart, he tells me I am beautiful, and when he does, my insecurities come tumbling out...and i start pointing at my wrinkles and trying to point out my white hair, but he doesnt care. He still makes me feel beautiful, and I'm realizing he's seeing beyond the wrinkles and changes that age has painted on my face and body. He sees me from the inside out...
So, when i think about life. There are things that I know I have to do before my time is up. Those things are take care of me...the best I can, now and not tomorrow. And look for all the beauty in life. Try not to get too stressed on what I can not control. But try to find happy seconds in all those 86,400 that I'm so blessed with every day. And also, work at making all those things on my bucket list a reality...
We have to be our best at this point in time...so that in a month's time, a year's time or 10 years down the road, we are not regretting the waste of the precious moments we are blessed with.
As one of my favorite song says.... "It's up to you, It's your choice, You only get one shot in life" and if you lose it, it's gonna hurt real bad" The song refers to one shot at love....but I think it holds true for one shot at life. I realized this many years ago, when learning how to raise a child. If you don't do it right...you'll only grow old and have regrets. But that's another story....
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